What's the matter Mary Jane, you had a hard day
As you place the don't disturb sign on the door
You lost your place in line again, what a pity
You never seem to want to dance anymore
It's a long way down on this roller coaster
The last chance streetcar went off the track
And you're on it
I hear you're counting sheep again Mary Jane
What's the point of trying to dream anymore?
I hear you're losing weight again Mary Jane
Do you ever wonder who you're losing it for?
Well it's full speed baby, in the wrong direction
There's a few more bruises if that's the way you insist on heading
Please be honest Mary Jane - are you happy?
Please don't censor your tears
You're the sweet crusader and you're on your way
You're the last great innocent, and that's why I love you
So take this moment Mary Jane and be selfish
Worry not about the cars that go by
All that matters Mary Jane is your freedom
Keep warm my dear, keep dry
Mary Jane-Alanis Morrissette
I've been thinking a lot about hurt.
Hurt and pain come in many forms - we have physical pain, emotional pain, physiological pain in response to psychological pain.
Sharp pain, dull pain, intermittent pain, persistent pain.
There's a pain scale - you've seen it in your doctor's office - "Rate your pain on a scale of 1-10" with a crying sad face on one end and a happy, smiley face on the other.
Hurt causes pain.
It can be anything from a paper cut to the most excruciating torture imaginable.
We cauterize pain - we do what we can to avoid it, we take pills to quell it, we run from it. We even say "I don't want to hurt you" just as we get ready to issue words that, once said, will inflict it. We make up stories to save face, we are not honest in our dealings with others. We let people down easy, we take the high road, we avoid conflict. Anything at all not to feel pain. Or hurt.
As humans, though, we are meant to hurt. The sensations of pain are what remind us that we are alive, just as much as the sensations of happiness and love and positivity. We're taught from a young age that pain is bad and love is good, and the less pain in your life, the better.
Exhiliration/excruciation. The highest highs come with the lowest lows, and without one you cannot achieve the other.
It follows then, that if you're not used to dealing with pain, you don't know what to do with it when it comes. When it's inevitable, unavoidable, perhaps even necessary.
For so long I have buffered and cauterized my wounds, and as such they have never healed properly. I've done what I must to make the pain go away. The pain I now feel is the kind of hurt that doesn't go away with a pill or a bandage. It lay dormant, sleeping, until one day it attacked, and I shut into myself, pleading and begging it to just leave me the fuck alone, already, I have enough to deal with without you making things worse
This is quite possibly the scariest thing I've ever done...letting myself lay bare and feel...let myself bleed and suffer and face my scars head-on. Is it so wrong to want to hurt? I'm not talking about self infliction, or cutting, or anything damaging...but really, to face what the world gives you head on? Is that so bad? Finding out that you thought you were doing just that, when in reality you were just watching the movie...is overwhelming.
Sometimes the attempt at mitigating your pain causes even more pain.
Sometimes you hurt so much you can't feel anymore - you become numb to the sensations. That's when you have to pull back and regain perspective.
Sometimes the most toxic, addictive things in your life are the things that you can't easily rid from yourself. Sometimes they are the things that make you you - to unwind them and separate them would be to unravel yourself at the threads and seams...and the thought of being left with a pile of string and no idea how to weave it back together into something usable is scarier than taking out the bad stuff. And moreso - even if you knew how to rework your pieces...how would you know that the end result was somehow better than what you had before?
Breaking down to build back up is tricky business.