Ten

I got tired of waiting, wondering if you were ever coming around
My faith in you was fading when I met you on the outskirts of town, and I said,

"Romeo, save me I've been feeling so alone, I keep waiting for you but you never come; is this in my head? I don't know what to think"
He knelt to the ground and pulled out a ring

And said, "marry me Juliet, You'll never have to be alone
I love you and that's all I really know,
I talked to your dad, go pick out a white dress
It's a love story baby just say yes..."

'Cause we were both young when I first saw you...

-- "Love Story", Taylor Swift

Constant Cravings

I went to college in Texas. There are some AMAZING things about Texas: the weather, the people, and THE FOOD. My God, the food. Steak? Check. Best Chinese food ever? Check. (Chinatown Cafe.) Cajun? You betcha. (Razzoo's!) BBQ? Oh, yeah.

And then there's the TexMex. Lord, but do I know why mis amigas hispanas y latinas used to go home on the weekend, and come back with shopping bags laden with Tupperware full of arroz con garbanzos, enchiladas de pollo, chiles rellenos fresh salsa, and of course, homemade guacamole and tortillas. Around the holidays, there was no shortage of tamales, and no holiday party was complete without a big Crock-Pot of queso dip and tortilla chips. Yes, I developed a discerning palate for authentic Tex-Mex food, and it lasts even to this day. Alas, my poor Northern brethren are lacking in true Tex-Mex restaurants. We have a few that come close, but man... when all you want is a sopaipilla the size of your fist, steaming hot from the fryer, sprinkled with cinnamon and sugar, and ready to be slathered in melted butter and honey...

Nothing comes close to the original.

Sweet Baby James

Because I did it for her sister yesterday, and because she's always on my mind. This one's for sweet baby Elle. I'm a big believer in singing "real" songs to kids, not just lullabies and kid music. It has its place, for certain, but in the car and on the stereo at home, we listen to Mom's Music. And that is not just John Mayer, but 10,000 Maniacs, Pearl Jam, Dixie Chicks, the Cities Sampler, Sara Barielles, and yes, James Taylor. The song was written as a lullaby for JT's nephew and namesake, and it has always been a favorite of mine. When Elle responded to it, it became special on a completely different level.

This vid is nice because you get to hear the story of JT's nephew, the original "ornery little varmint" named baby James.



There is a young cowboy, he lives on the range.
His horse and his cattle are his only companions;
He works in the saddle and he sleeps in the canyons,
Waiting for summer, his pastures to change

And as the moon rises, he sits by his fire,
Thinking about women and glasses of beer;
And closing his eyes as the dogies retire,
He sings out a song which is soft but it's clear, as if maybe someone could hear.

Goodnight, you moonlight ladies; rockabye sweet baby James...
Deep greens and blues are the colors I choose;
Won't you let me go down in my dreams?
And rockabye sweet baby James.

Now the first of December was covered with snow,
And so was the turnpike from Stockbridge to Boston.
Lord, the Berkshires seemed dreamlike on account of that frosting,
With ten miles behind me and ten thousand more to go...

There's a song that they sing when they take to the highway,
A song that they sing when they take to the sea,
A song that they sing of their home in the sky—
Maybe you can believe it if it helps you to sleep,
But singing works just fine for me...

So, goodnight, you moonlight ladies; and rockabye sweet baby James
Deep greens and blues are the colors I choose;
Won't you let me go down in my dreams?
And rockabye sweet baby James.

Blossom

Because I am thinking about my big girl Bea, and this song always reminds me of her.



Blossom, smile some sunshine down my way
Lately, Ive been lonesome
Blossom, its been much too long a day
Seems my dreams have frozen
Melt my cares away

Send the sunshine down my way whenever you call my name
I know what you mean to say to me, girl, its all the same

Blossom, theres an empty road behind
Sit you down beside me
Blossom, theres a sweet dream on my mind
Theres a song inside me
Take these chains away

Now, send the sunshine down my way whenever you call my name
I know what you mean to say to me, girl, its all the same

Blossom, smile some sunshine down my way
Lately, Ive been lonesome
Blossom, its been much too long a day
Seems my dreams have frozen
Melt my cares away

In The Pain, There is Healing

I was all set to write a fun little entry about my girls; about their general adorablenesses and proclivities, a little compare and contrast of two little people who share parents and blue eyes but not much else. Even a couple of months in, I can already tell: they are two distinctly different people. They look nothing alike, they have two different temperaments, two totally different personalities. They are both feisty in their own ways: Bea is gregarious and outspoken, unapologetic and demonstrative. Elle, on the other hand, is quieter and more laid back. I remember Bea being a very shy toddler; she's grown into her extroversion. I wonder if Elle will do the same, but it wouldn't surprise me if her temperament won't sway to the "strong but quiet" side of the spectrum.

But that's not what's on my mind this morning.

I'm thinking about the fact that we're supposed to have upwards of six inches of snow on the ground starting any minute now.

Bea starts her Level 2 swimming lessons tonight; hoping the weather won't cancel them. Also thinking about the fact that I need to run to the store, and should probably do that before the snow gets bad.

And what I'm procrastinating writing about is the fact that I got an email from my dad yesterday, asking if he could come visit over spring break. He is one of the things I don't write about much. I'm sure anyone who has read my blog long enough or knows me and has talked to me for any length of time realizes what a source of conflict and hurt he's been in my life. I've been working with a counselor in the last year or so to get my head straight, and in doing that I've gained a lot of perspective on my life and capabilities. I've learned to be strong and honest, because if I am anything less, I am hurting myself, and my family in the process.

I wrote this to him (excerpted):

As for visiting... I understand that you miss us, but I need to be honest with you here: I'm not sure about it. The fact is that right now I'm not very confident in our relationship -- such as it is. As I've told you before, I've gotten through a lot of anger and resentment toward you and your actions. I don't know if you know exactly how badly your actions hurt all of us, and it's not as simple as saying "sorry, guys" and picking right back up. This is a big piece of the fallout resulting from your choices, and it is something you are going to have to live with for awhile...

I don't know if you've figured out that it's been over a year since we even talked on the phone, and June will be two years since we've seen each other. I am not sure that a visit is in my deck of cards just yet. If there's something you can tell me to change my mind, the floor's open. I've been open and honest with you regarding my feelings - brutally so, because it's the only way I can function. I need you to return that honesty, without pulling punches or using semantics or worrying about being proper or tactful. I want to find some way of having a meaningful relationship with you, but I can't do it unless I know your side of the story.

I'm listening.

Ash Wednesday 2009

In the sweat of thy face shalt thou eat bread till thou return unto the ground, for out of it wast thou taken; for dust thou art, and unto dust shalt thou return.

Genesis 3:19

So. Usually for Lent, if one observes it, one must give up something enjoyable for the 40 days of the season. It is a time of reflection and sacrifice, and the idea is to remember what Christ did for us in sacrificing his life for our salvation. It is a recognition of blessings, and a denial of self. A mechanism in humility.

Now, Holy Mother Church doesn't run my life, but I once heard a priest say that he thought Lent was more about self improvement than it was about self-sacrifice. Rather than hurting and feeling pain, he said, a better way to celebrate Lent is to pick an area of your life to improve, and work diligently at it for those 40 straight days.

I like that idea.

Since I've neglected this blog since Elle's birth, I have decided that I will write every single day during Lent. It might be a blurb, it might be a song lyric, it might be nothing at all. But I will write. Blogging means so much to me and it really does help me stay grounded, and I've let that get away in the last few months. It also gets me going; part of my routine last semester was to try and blog or write down some thoughts before I studied. It helped me focus and clear my mind, and that's something that needs to happen more often, especially with the unpredictability of having an infant in the house.

Naming Names

For the last couple of years, I've referred to my firstborn daughter on this blog as "The Girl." Easy enough, right? My husband is "The Boy", and that's also easy enough to distinguish. I do this to maintain privacy -- my name is out there, and if you know me, you know them, and that's fine. However, my husband's business is such that he does not want a social online presence, and I am a lioness when it comes to my kids. Therefore, it's in everyone's best interests to remain nameless.

However.

We now have a second child, who is also a girl. This complicates things. (See, even at birth, women are complicated. L2Deal, men...) How would I distinguish the two? I didn't want to call her "the baby" because she won't be one for very long, and I didn't want to give her a name and not give her sister a name, or vice-versa. So I thought about it (for about ten seconds) and came up with the following.

I have a Big Girl.
I have a Little Girl.

B.G. and L.G.

B and L.

Bea and Elle!!

Therefore! Henceforth, the Girl will be known as Bea, and the baby will be known as Elle. Both are pseudonyms, but easy, namey sort-of things, which are cute in their own girly way. I could send these names to school and the teacher wouldn't look at me in a weird way.

So. There you have it. Hope it's not too confusing for anyone.

32 Days of Ketchup

Okay wow! I just broke my own non-blogging record, and in a big, big way. Of course, I have a tremendous excuse for doing so, since I did the following:

1. Gave birth (and liveblogged it, which I will likely import over here when/if time permits);

2. Recovered from said birth (and still doing so for another ten days; post-partum is officially 42 days long according to the doc);

3. Started back to school;

4. Got the Girl started back to school;

5. Survived the usual January blast of Minnesota arctic chill; and

6. Watched the Steelers win the Super Bowl!


So I've had a busy month!

The birth itself went about as well as I could have expected, considering I had a repeat c-section. I liveblogged it and will probably eventually take that blog down and import everything over here so it can be properly archived.

School (so far) is going well. There are ups and downs to my current schedule. The major plus is that I only have ONE (yes one!) written final this term, for Evidence. I am told it's a major pain, so I will likely take as much time as I need to study for it and then take it when I'm ready. Another major plus: two of my classes are done either shortly before Easter or shortly after it, and these are the classes that meet on the weekend days this term. Score! I can handle two classes on Friday if that's the only day of the week I have to sit in class.

Downside? TWO major writing projects (a motion brief and a paper) and a mock trial to run for Trial Advocacy. I suppose it could be worse -- but it just means that each week I will have a LOT of prep work, rather than pacing through 14 weeks of reading and outlining, then 3 weeks of final crunch.

And then I'm HALFWAY done with law school! How'd that happen, y'all??

I'm sure there's more... like how the baby likes it when I sing Paul Simon and James Taylor ("Me and Julio Down By The Schoolyard" is a favorite) and how geeked I am that things are looking up in terms of a new JM album this year. I still wish I could have gone on MCC2, but I'll deal. After all, if there is a tour coming up this fall, then Santa will know what to leave in my stocking. And I STILL need to get my autographed copy of Continuum framed and hung in the baby's room.

Until then, it's me doing my thing: studying when the baby sleeps, typing one-handed when she doesn't, looking forward to longer, warmer days and enjoying the sunshine when we get it.

I must say -- I am jealous of my cousin's husband. He got to GO to the Superbowl this year and saw the boys bring home #6 in person. At the very least, he had the decency to take his dad with him to the big game, and he mentioned that it was a childhood fantasy come true. (After that 4th quarter comeback, I hope it was worth it!) I jest in my purported jealousy; it couldn't have happened to a nicer guy in all honesty.

And now I must return to my regularly scheduled day of baby-wrangling, kitchen-cleaning, laundry-folding and general de-cluttering. BBQ crockpot ribs for dinner tonight. Woo!

2008 Wrap-Up

(Okay, I'm cheating. It's really February 3rd right now, but I wanted to post this. So I backlogged it. I suppose I could have posted it whilst in the hospital over New Years' but you know... baby and stuff.)

1. What did you do in 2008 that you’d never done before?

Did a stint as a stay-at-home mom. Very interesting.

2. Did you keep your new year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year?

I don't remember making any, but I did resolve this year to be kinder and gentler to people in thought, word and deed. So far it's been a good mindset to remember.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
Yes! Jen and I both gave birth to beautiful baby girls, and we are waiting on Finn and Baby M (both of unknown gender) to make their appearances this spring. Sharing pregnancy with a girlfriend is an amazing and wonderful thing.

4. Did anyone close to you die?
No, I don't think so. It was a good year in that respect.

5. What countries did you visit?
Unfortunately, no international travel this year. Mom and Sis went to Ireland, though!

6. What would you like to have in 2009 that you lacked in 2008?
A really awesome triathlon season. Boy did I ever miss training and competing -- more than I ever thought I would.

7. What dates from 2008 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?

January: girls' weekend in Chicago w/Kate & Sooz, saw Buddy Guy in concert

Mother's Day: found out I was pregnant

July 2nd: met John Mayer in person (Milwaukee Summerfest show)
July 3rd: St. Louis JM show
July 17-21st: Girls' weekend in Chicago w/the JM girls; JM Chicago show on the 18th.
August 30-31: Final two JM shows in Florida, road-tripping with Jen

September 8: The Girl's first day of school!

December 17: took a big fall on the ice on my way to school. (I'll tell this story later.)

December 29-30: induction and birth of Baby Bean.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Honestly? 2008 was a real year of transition for me. I think I had a lot of achievements, from massive improvement of my grades, to coming to terms with my parents' divorce and my relationship with my father, to finally getting the family on a budget so we could live without my part time job.

I also feel like my second birth experience vindicated my first, even though it turned out nothing like I thought it would.

9. What was your biggest failure?

Keeping the house decluttered. Honestly...I have laundry and general cleaning down pat. Clutter...just keeps growing like kudzu around here.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
Pregnancy is not an illness...but I did have my fair share of ups and downs with this one, including dizzy flashes and serious exhaustion. I took a fall about two weeks before the Bean was born and I don't think I've ever experienced that much consistent pain in my life.

11. What was the best thing you bought?
Plane tickets and concert tickets for five (FIVE!) JM summer tour shows.

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?

The MN voter recount committee. They are doing a hell of a job in deciding the Senate race between Coleman and Franken. Here's to the process at work!

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?

Sadly, the same as last year: the Bush administration. Thank GOD they are gone and we can get back to the real work of America.

14. Where did most of your money go?
Target! (No really... Target, summer tour travel and probably hospital bills, once they start rolling in.)

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?

Meeting John Mayer and traveling/meeting new friends. My friends are easily the best benefit of being a JM fan.

16. What song will always remind you of 2008?

"Gravity" by Sara Barielles. For many, many reasons.

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
a) happier or sadder? Much happier.
b) thinner or fatter? About the same, which is miraculous considering I was pregnant. Be gone, baby weight!
c) richer or poorer? About the same. Probably slightly richer, although that's more likely due to gas prices returning to normal than anything else...

18. What do you wish you’d done more of? Things with the Girl during the summertime. We're going to have to make a concerted effort to get out of the house more when school is out, even with the baby.

19. What do you wish you’d done less of?
Complain, argue and feel sorry for myself. Life's too short.

20. How did you spend Christmas? On the couch, almost immobile and recovering from finals. Also preparing for the baby's arrival.

21. Did you fall in love in 2008?

Absolutely and without question.

22. What was your favorite TV program?

Weeds! We Netflix'ed the first 3 seasons and hello! Awesome!

23. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year?

Hate is a strong word. I don't hate anyone. I did lose a friend this year, to a stupid and petty argument. I want to make amends, but need to figure out how.

24. What was the best book you read?

Hmmm... didn't get to read much this year, but I'll bite and say "Shadow Cities." Any book that mentions flying toilets gets a big thumbs up!


25. What was your greatest musical discovery?

Matt Nathanson! (Thanks, Jen!) Possibly re-discovering Jim Croce. Pandora overall rocks pretty hard. And Keri Noble is amazing.

26. What did you want and get?

A healthy baby, a lot of John Mayer, and a new car. (Heinrich!)

27. What did you want and not get?
To do a triathlon and get more in shape.

28. What was your favorite film of this year?

I don't know if I had one! I saw a lot of movies -- mostly of the kid variety, though.


29. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?

Went to Red Robin and had a bowling party!! (I was 31.)

30. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?

Dean's List and a scholarship.

31. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2008?
Clearance rack at Motherhood Maternity!

32. What kept you sane?

My counselor, and having a Summer of Awesome. I needed the time and the perspective, and it made everything so, so much better.


33. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?

A-duh. And I got to meet him this year too!!

34. What political issue stirred you the most?
Equality in marriage. For everyone.

35. Who did you miss?
Jordana.

36. Who was the best new person you met? Can I have more than one? The JM Chicago girls! (Jen, Allison, Geneva, Linda, Amanda and Monica), and Cait and Mara. 2008 was fantastic for friend-making.

37. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2008.

It's NEVER too late to let go and start over. And you never know what form or shape that will take.

38. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year.

Joey, baby - don't get crazy
Detours, fences, I get defensive
I know you've heard it all before, so I don't say it anymore
I just stand by and watch you fight your secret war.
Although I used to wonder why, I used to cry 'til I was dry.
Still sometimes I get a strange pain inside,
Oh, Joey, if you're hurting so am I.

Joey, honey - I got some money.
All is forgiven; listen, listen...
And if I seem to be confused, I didn't mean to be with you.
And when you said I scared you, well I guess you scared me too.
But we got lucky once before, and I don't wanna close the door;
And if you're somewhere out there passed out on the floor,
Oh Joey, I'm not angry anymore.

And if I seem to be confused, I didn't mean to be with you.
And when you said I scared you, well I guess you scared me too.
But if it's love you're looking for, then I can give a little more
And if you're somewhere drunk and passed out on the floor,
Oh, Joey I'm not angry anymore...angry anymore...

Hospital #1: Oh For...

I have a serious dislike of hospitals.

Always have. Damnit, I'm not sick, I'm having a baby.

Arrived fine, in a decent mood. My husband is doing an admirable job of keeping me laughing. We had a bite at the BK across the street from the hospital parking ramp, and talked about all the things we felt differently about -- mostly that we're a bit older, a bit wiser, and generally more relaxed about this child than we were about our first. We're definitely less on edge about birth, and we're probably better equipped to handle some of the stress of a new baby. Does this make me less susceptible to PPD or any of the other crap that is the afterbirth? Probably not. Just more aware.

So now, I'm in a room in the hospital and I've been here for about 30 minutes...and I've already encountered about some of the reasons why I hate hospitals.

Nurse #1 puts us in the room. Husband makes himself comfortable on the Husband Chair and she gives me the standard "everything off, put this (hospital gown) on, blah blah blah. Cue reason #1: hospital gowns. Not only are they oh so flattering, but they remind me that I am no longer a person, I am a nameless Patient. I know it's probably stupid and overly personal, but I honestly feel dehumanized.

So I ask Nurse #1 "hey, I brought my own night shirt, do you mind?" She says "sure" with a confused look upon her face (as if this is the first time she's ever been questioned on this point) and I just explain that I'm much more comfortable that way.

Commence getting ready, then cue reason #2: pushy damned nurses. Charge Nurse walks in and goes "oh, I thought you'd be dressed." I reply "Oh, I just need to put the belly band on and I'm fine."

"Oh. Well, we're doing an IV tonight so you'll have to put a gown on..."

"Nurse #1 said this would be fine."

"She probably didn't know we were doing an IV tonight, so yeah, we do need you in a gown..."

Oh, for...

I suppose it's because they can get a gown off me with an IV in rather than having to wrestle my clothes off...despite the fact that the nightshirt I brought with me is a $15 special from Target which I could take, leave, shred or whatever. Not that I can think of a reason I'd need to be completely stripped in this situation, but whatev... Anyway.

*eyeroll*

So I'm in, and I'm hooked up to the monitor, and I've got the hospital wifi happening, which is awesome, except for the fact that Facebook is blocked. GAH! Seriously? It wasn't when I was here before, so yeah.

~~30 minutes later~~

Just spent the last bit of time getting my health history (re)taken and getting my cervix checked. Oh that's joyful! (Somehow, my doc never hurts...but all three nurses that have checked me in the last week have managed to give me a case of the serious OUCH.

And that's enough of that. IV to be inserted soon, then we're off for the Big Wait.

Comments

Hahaha! I can feel your pain...or at least remember it. Hang in there :) -- Carroll

Pre-Hospital Entry #2: Medical Bureaucracy

Imported from the birth blog.

Call #1 to hospital (4:10pm): Hello, I'm a patient of Dr. R.'s. What time should I come in for my pre-induction?

Nurse: I'm not sure, the charge nurse is in a meeting. We'll call you back in about 10 minutes.

Me: No problem, here's my number.


Call #2 (4:55pm): Hello, I'm a patient of Dr. R.'s. Tried calling about 45 minutes ago and got no call back, was just following up on when I should come in?

Nurse: Charge nurse is stuck in a delivery, but if nobody calls you back in 15 minutes, call us back again. Sorry about that!

Me: No problem, here's my number, and the phone is right by my side.

At least my insurance and pre-registry info is already verified...grrrr. Part of me understands that all babies want to get borned and they don't generally inform us of their timelines, but the other part of me (the impatient one that's been grousing the last 3 weeks) is all DAMNIT. L2MULTITASK, CHARGE NURSE! WHAT, YOU CAN'T TALK ON THE PHONE AND CATCH A BABY AT THE SAME TIME??

(I know, I know. I'm off to finish packing the last of my hospital crap.)

Update: 5:01pm Charge nurse calls back. Come in around 7pm. Whee!

Comments

Thank goodness they called you back! With my second, they told me to call at 5 a.m., then they said "Sorry, no room in the inn. Call back tomorrow." I called back the next day and they said, "Still no room. We'll call you when there's room. They called two days later and said, "Can you be here in 30 minutes?" -- Carroll

This is sounding eerily familiar. But I just know that you'll be faster than I was... I mean, it's like riding a bike right? -- Bho's Mom

Just Another American Mom/Pre-Hospital Entry #1

Imported from my birth blog.

On my second time around the bend. This is a one-shot blog for all my friends and family, as I attempt a liveblogging experiment for the birth of my second child.

And now...the pre-hospital entry.

I feel much better today than I have in a very long time. I slept relatively well last night and the weather was beautiful -- in the 20's with lots of sunshine. I spent some time with my six year old firstborn today, and she is very excited to become a big sister.

We went out this afternoon to get some air and replenish her crayon and marker supply at Target, then grabbed a bit of lunch at her favorite spot (and frankly, it was fine with me, I want to make sure she's okay with me leaving for a few nights).



I swore I wouldn't do it, but at the request of a friend, here is the official Last Pregnant Picture. No really, that's all me. No basketballs or anything. Just one big ready-to-be-born Bean:



Comments

You look beautiful! I hope it all goes well. I'm rootin' for ya. -- Lindasue714

Awesome!!! Thanks for posting the pic! I love prebirth pictures. The female body is so amazing. You are definitely ready to give birth! GOOD LUCK!!! -- Carroll

Oh man, shortly that baby is gonna be expatriated! -- nekomimi

I come with no lame-o advice and nothing but love for you and the little bean - kudos to you for taking that picture! Down the line you'll be glad to have it. -- Cait

Birth Blogging

In a fit of geekdom and 21st century insanity, I have decided to liveblog the birth of the Bean.

As much as I can, I plan to update on progress, perhaps post a few pictures, and keep everyone updated on the arrival. If things go quiet for awhile, you can probably guess I'm either actively birthing or sleeping.

So far, the game plan goes as follows:

4pm: Call hospital; confirm arrival time.
5-7pm: Arrive at hospital, check-in, begin pre-induction treatment (likely low-dosage of Pitocin, for reasons to be explained later.)

7p-7a: Pre-induction.

7a-??: The Main Event!

Things to keep in mind:

1. This is my second child.
2. This is a planned induction.
3. I'm birthing in a hospital.
4. I'm attempting an unmedicated VBAC.
5. I may end up with a second c-section.
6. I'm not looking for advice.
7. I'm okay with everything in my plan so far, and I'm doing this for family and friends alike.

I love comments, but I will not be moderating anything, nor will I defend any decisions I've made. Explanations down the line, perhaps, but I won't change treatment decisions based upon random commentary. Please leave messages of support, and if I know who you are and we have a comfort level, then feel free to leave additional info. If this is the first time you've read my blog, I appreciate the sentiment but please limit yourself to positive vibes...as that is what I most desperately need during this endeavor.

I am fairly camera shy -- at my last birth, I declined the "moments after birth" photo and I plan to do the same here. It's just not my taste. There will be pix of the babe, tho.

Wish me luck! (And if the whole thing goes to hell and the next you hear from me is an update on New Year's with birth stats, so be it.)