Saturday, October 6, 2007

Suppose I Said You're My Saving Grace

Thinking about lots of things...

Joined Phi Alpha Delta this past Thursday...seems like a great opportunity, and lots of good people. Good friends joined as well. I love that I "went Greek" with my friends, as opposed to undergrad, where you "go Greek" to make friends.

SO far behind on schoolwork. Rethinking my decision to take a part time job.

Family meeting tonight. Not sure what we're going to discuss, but I am going to need to bring up the need for study time and reducing distractions.

I've been out of sorts for the past week. Not sure what's up with that. More later.

JM has a new girlfriend- much better than the last time, from what I can see. Watched Friday Night Lights last night, and I am amazed that I missed this show last season. Story lines need to be fleshed out more, but the acting is good and I really like the idea of the show. Thanks, JM, for introducing your girlfriend to me, and her show to me by proxy.

Going to do a three-day flush and then try Alli. I'm not comfortable at my current weight, I need to work on my health, and if I want any shot at a decent tri season (or a longer race next season) I've got to do it. Also have to work on my therapy again- the pain in my hip is returning, and that's never good news. More on this later.

Latest JM musing: I have been returning to Room For Squares recently- I don't know why, but I'm finding new challenges in the music. Even then, JM had a tone of secrecy- there's more to that album than just a guy with an acoustic. Even though it's got "Wonderland" on it (and honestly, I still like the song, I just can't listen to it all the time- it got very overplayed), Room For Squares still seems like it's got something to give- and I am hoping the same is true 10-15 years from now (or more). Case in point: "Not Myself." On first blush, it's a throwaway- easy little tune, nice lyrics, made a movie soundtrack. Listen to the end of the last chorus off the bridge. John sings about a saving grace...and his voice is prayer, praise and plaintive wail all at once. Perhaps my upbringing is rearing its ugly head, but when someone speaks of "grace" I wonder if they know what it really means.

Grace. Dancers are graceful. Socialites and doyennes of style are often termed "gracious." Grace is a virtue. Grace is a old-fashioned name, now returned to newfound popularity for little girls nationwide. Grace was taught in Sunday school- a gift from God, the ability to accept a gift, accept knowledge, accept what God gives you, accept others as they are. Grace gets thrown around a lot- it's more than a song or a Sunday school lesson.

John talks about being out of sorts, loving someone unconditionally, no matter their state in life, whether they are halt or hale, knowing their very core. Is unconditional love a grace? Is it a grace to give or receive or both? Would you love me when I'm not myself? Wait it out while I am someone else?

And I, in time, come around...I always do for you.
If you are a person's saving grace, does it mean you have a command of their life? Do they in turn pull you out of your deepest funk and back to an even keel? On another you make an extra effort if this person attempts to grace you, in order to make it work?

The thing is- grace can't be taught. It has to be given, earned, learned. It has to be discovered. When it is discovered, it grows and you can't deny it. The trick is knowing what it is when you see it or find it within yourself. It's hard to look back on grace and say "Oh! Is THAT what that was?" It's a momentary thing- and you have a choice to accept or to turn away.

Moments of grace. I think John had one with that song- and I've been listening to it on repeat, for that three seconds of guitar chord and slightly uneven, gravelly tenor vocal.

I'm on the lookout for moments of grace in my life.

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