I typed in the address of one of my old (failed) blogs - and lo and behold, it's still there! I perused the entries a bit, remembering that it helped the last time I wanted to lose weight. I think I will delete it, but I wanted to preserve a few of the old entries.
It's interesting to see what I thought of myself a few years ago. I remember that girl - the one who was starting a new job and taking a full year to train for her first triathlon. I also weigh 40 pounds more than that girl did when she stopped blogging, and a lot has happened since then. I'd like to remember a lot about who that girl was, and why she looked so great and felt so good about herself.
I am still active and working out, and food is still my drug. I need to get over the stress and anxiety (lo, that I had an attitude like Sooz - girl lets it all roll off her like water off a duck's back.) and get to doing.
Summer of Awesome = Summer of Awesome Me.
From the old blog:
June 7, 2005
Let me say this: I love McDonald's.
Seriously. I have a massive addition to anything with the golden arches on its packaging. I love nothing better for breakfast than a Bacon, Egg and Cheese biscuit sandwich with a lovely golden brown hash brown. The drink can vary- if I'm feeling healthy (or guilty) it is usually a bottle of water or an orange juice. If I don't care, it's a small diet coke.
My standard order otherwise is a 10-piece chicken nugget value meal with a diet coke, and a double cheeseburger with ketchup only.
This is only part of the reason why I now weigh 253 pounds at this point in my life.
Yesterday, I read the "I have made a decision" essay over at Oprah.com, and while I can't say that Oprah's voice came down from the heavens, imbuing my soul with the will to change, all heavenly light beaming down and weight-loss cherubim harmonizing, it did make me think.
I feel like shit.
Previously, I'd lost about 25 pounds- I was about 229 or so and feeling pretty good. Then: new job, new stress, inability to keep working out on my prior schedule, holidays, the ever-present lure of Mickey D's, and a free employee cafeteria at lunch (Lord have mercy...the DESSERTS)...and here I am.
I've never been thin- the closest I can figure I was to a healthy weight was probably when I was working out in college (yes, true) and I lost 15 pounds in a semester that I took a weight-training and aerobics course for credit. I think I was about 195 at that point. Still in all, I was pretty healthy, and I gleaned from that course that I probably could be smaller if I worked at it.
Life got in the way.
Now, I have to get in the way of my life. College is long past and I've got a daughter to think about. My dad was just diagnosed with adult-onset diabetes, and my grandmother has had it for over 25 years. So we have some genetics going on here. I am also having digestive issues, a-plenty... but we won't get into the particulars of my biohazardous waste. Promise.
So...here I am, one of thousands out there with a diet blog. Maybe it will help to write down my thoughts, maybe not. I will probably try to write down what I eat, because in the past, it has helped...I just hate carrying around those little journal thingies they give you at Weight Watchers.
Speaking of the almighty WW: here's my first goal. We have an at-work program at my job. Next session starts June 26. It's 15 weeks long. I have to do the bridesmaid thing at a wedding in October. That's about the same time frame. Mo over at Mopie.com has set a WW goal for herself: 25 pounds in 12 weeks (averaging about a 2 pound loss).
I'm going to do the same: 30 pounds in 15 weeks.
God help me, I'm going to do this, once and for all. French fries be damned.
June 8, 2005
There are Oreos afoot in my office...double stuf Oreos and Golden Oreos and they are in the cube next to me and God help me I've resisited for over 2 hours.... and now it's 11AM and I'm hungry for lunch and I need to eat the chicken breast and not the pepperoni pizza...and I should go walking but I don't want to go and get all schvitzy in the 88 degree heat but I really should...
And it's somebody's birthday here in office land, and he's bringing treats very very soon...and I will resist. I will resist.
I have decided to resist. (Oh, shit. Now it's about Oprah again.)
June 9, 2005
...it's so hard for me to keep control in social situations, but it's a weakness I need to get professional help with. Also: I had Reasoning on my side- I had a beer, I needed food to soak it up, and there were no healthy alternatives. Also? It was 5pm and I was hungry. And it counted as dinner.
July 12, 2005
As of yesterday on the WW scale, I'm now 251.2. That would be 10.6 pounds in 3 1/2 weeks. I've been to the gym no less than 3 times each week (and usually it's 4-5). I've discovered the absolute serenity and joy of a morning workout (joy in a 5am wakeup call? Who knew??)
The fitness center also overlooks a very benign piece of land- it's probably 40 x 50 of lawn surface that borders the building on one side, and the path around the lake on the other. Boring, right? Not if you see what I see.
I see the finish line for the Danskin Women's Triathlon 2006. I see cheering family members, a big sign that says "RUN FINISH", volunteers wearing red t-shirts, and a swarm of women competitors running in to the sound of victory. It is the actual finish area for the Danskin- not just a visualization.
When something chocolate screams my name, I say "triathlon" to myself. Turn. Walk away. Will I celebrate when an occasion presents itself? Of course. Just not to excess.
And I will compete in, and finish, the 2006 Chicagoland Danskin Women's Triathlon.
More old entries later - I'm having a good time rereading them. And thinking a lot about how I can recapture some of that momentum.