In The Pain, There is Healing

I was all set to write a fun little entry about my girls; about their general adorablenesses and proclivities, a little compare and contrast of two little people who share parents and blue eyes but not much else. Even a couple of months in, I can already tell: they are two distinctly different people. They look nothing alike, they have two different temperaments, two totally different personalities. They are both feisty in their own ways: Bea is gregarious and outspoken, unapologetic and demonstrative. Elle, on the other hand, is quieter and more laid back. I remember Bea being a very shy toddler; she's grown into her extroversion. I wonder if Elle will do the same, but it wouldn't surprise me if her temperament won't sway to the "strong but quiet" side of the spectrum.

But that's not what's on my mind this morning.

I'm thinking about the fact that we're supposed to have upwards of six inches of snow on the ground starting any minute now.

Bea starts her Level 2 swimming lessons tonight; hoping the weather won't cancel them. Also thinking about the fact that I need to run to the store, and should probably do that before the snow gets bad.

And what I'm procrastinating writing about is the fact that I got an email from my dad yesterday, asking if he could come visit over spring break. He is one of the things I don't write about much. I'm sure anyone who has read my blog long enough or knows me and has talked to me for any length of time realizes what a source of conflict and hurt he's been in my life. I've been working with a counselor in the last year or so to get my head straight, and in doing that I've gained a lot of perspective on my life and capabilities. I've learned to be strong and honest, because if I am anything less, I am hurting myself, and my family in the process.

I wrote this to him (excerpted):

As for visiting... I understand that you miss us, but I need to be honest with you here: I'm not sure about it. The fact is that right now I'm not very confident in our relationship -- such as it is. As I've told you before, I've gotten through a lot of anger and resentment toward you and your actions. I don't know if you know exactly how badly your actions hurt all of us, and it's not as simple as saying "sorry, guys" and picking right back up. This is a big piece of the fallout resulting from your choices, and it is something you are going to have to live with for awhile...

I don't know if you've figured out that it's been over a year since we even talked on the phone, and June will be two years since we've seen each other. I am not sure that a visit is in my deck of cards just yet. If there's something you can tell me to change my mind, the floor's open. I've been open and honest with you regarding my feelings - brutally so, because it's the only way I can function. I need you to return that honesty, without pulling punches or using semantics or worrying about being proper or tactful. I want to find some way of having a meaningful relationship with you, but I can't do it unless I know your side of the story.

I'm listening.