Third Time's A Charm

A Tribute To Nashville

2010-05-07T21:44:00.002-05:00

Will the circle be unbroken, by and by Lord, by and by?
There’s a better home a-waitin’ in the sky, Lord, in the sky…

They don’t call Nashville “Music City USA” for nothing. Music is the lifeblood of this beautiful jewel of the Smoky Mountains, the one that sits astride the mighty Cumberland River. It’s never silent in Nashville, because even the wind through the trees is musical. The music never stops.

It’s not just country music either. Nashville is absolutely the undisputed country music capital of the world, but all are welcome. Nashville has a fantastic classical music scene, and they play both bluegrass and the blues down in The District.

The mighty Cumberland overran its banks last week, and so did Old Hickory Lake. The flood was the worst the area has seen since the Civil War. People died. Homes were destroyed. This was a true act of nature; there were no faulty levees or the Army Corps of Engineers to blame, simply a freak act of God, wrought upon a musical city in the mountains. It seems incomprehensible that the music could be silenced, but for a brief moment, it looked possible.

The waters are receding, and the people are picking themselves up by their quiet pride and their bootstraps, as Tennesseans tend to do. The heartache will not fade for a long time. The music is quieter than normal right now, but the city’s heart still beats, like a timpani struck ever so gently.

Symphony Hall itself was spared. But it took 18 feet of water into its basement, destroying rehearsal space, the console for its organ, and two hand-built, hand-selected Steinway grand concert pianos, along with countless other instruments. The amount of structural damage is unknown as yet.

The Country Music Hall of Fame took on water in its basement, losing hardwood floors and ceiling tiles, and its theatre flooded over the stage and up to the third row. The main rotunda and the artifacts were guarded during the flood by a dedicated team of curators, who managed to save just about everything.

The Grand Ole Opry House, home of the Grand Ole Opry, was flooded through the backstage and loading areas, and the auditorium filled with water. The entire performance/stage area, along with about 3/4 of the main floor was underwater. The Opry House sits at the edge of the Cumberland, next to the Opryland Hotel and Opry Mills Mall, both of which sustained severe damage and high water flooding. All three facilities are closed until further notice.

BB King’s is closed. Many businesses are unsure of their re-opening strategy. Fear of mold and loss of housing are real threats to the livelihood of Nashvillians, musical or not.

Those who did not experience loss have opened their doors and hearts to the displaced. The Station Inn survived unscathed, and its website exhorts folks to “pitch in and help if and when you can.” The Bluebird Cafe, a haven for up and coming songwriters, closed for two days but is now re-opened, and the music plays.

The orchestra is playing a concert tonight for free, outside Nashville’s City Hall. The music will play on.

The Hall of Fame is drying out, and plans to reopen soon. The music will play on.

The Ryman Auditorium, 119 years old, stands strong and dry on Fifth Avenue. The Opry will move back to the Mother Church of Country Music, its historic home, until further notice. The Opry will be broadcast as usual this weekend (tonight and Saturday) on WSM 650 AM. The music will play on.

And this Sunday, in churches across Davidson, and Williamson, and Sumner, and Robertson, and Cheatham and Rutherford Counties, choirs will sing and prayers will raise that the damage wasn’t worse, and that Nashville will survive. The music will be heard.

In the face of chaos, there are moments of optimism in Nashville. Of all places, when the country has bigger fish to fry and a failed terrorist bomb in Times Square is a far sexier story, Nashville is taking care of its own. Somehow, I would expect nothing less. Let the music play on, and be heard.

In Defense of Girl Scout Cookies

2010-03-21T18:40:00.004-05:00

Who knew these time-honored traditional Lent-busters were so controversial?

Honestly...I never thought twice about this. Who wouldn't want to support the Girl Scouts? Cookie sales are the organization's most lucrative and well-known fundraiser, and in a time when philanthropy and non-profit community organizations are floundering, it's more important than ever to support the causes we need the most.

Bea is in her first year of Girl Scouts. Like her mother, grandmother, and great-grandmother before her, she is learning the Law and Promise, earning badges and yes, selling cookies. Some things have changed since my Gram was a Depression-era Scout: the uniforms and levels have been changed to be more compatible with today's girls, camping and badges are secondary to leadership skill development (but are still an integral part of Scouting) and troops are no longer massive (my Junior troop once boasted 38 girls and one leader. Bea's troop is 11 girls and 3 leaders.)

Some things haven't changed, though. Scouts places an emphasis on honesty and self-reliance, the motto is still Be Prepared. The girls still salute with three fingers and end each meeting in a friendship circle, singing "Make New Friends." Some of my fondest memories involve my Brownie and Junior troops. I never went to Scout camp, but my First Aid badge came in handy the first summer at church camp, when I was called upon to hold a bandage in place while a friend ran to get a counselor after an unfortunate incident involving an Exact-o knife in the arts & crafts hut.

When Bea asked to become a Girl Scout, my heart leaped for joy. Not only would we have a fourth-generation Scout in our family, it meant an automatic hookup for the world's best treat: Girl Scout cookies! The Boy actually told me recently that when I was pregnant with Bea, the first thing he thought of when he saw the ultrasound and heard the tech's pronouncement of "a little girl" was Girl Scout Cookies.

My girl rolled 350 boxes this sale, and I did a turn as the Cookie Mom. Yes, we bought 22 boxes of cookies just for our family. The Boy and I put in separate orders. We don't share. He believes in immediate consumption, I believe in freezing them and making them last as long as possible. We have common ground (Tagalongs), and divergence (Thin Mints are my favorite, Samoas are entirely his province).

This was my first year as a Cookie Mom, and while the process has evolved from a large worksheet and manual EVERYTHING into Excel spreadsheets and an online tracking tool, it means that for the past 4 months or so, I have been running a business that yielded almost $5,000 in sales. Not bad for 11 first graders, eh?

The girls earned roughly %650 this year from cookie sales for their troop. With that money, our little first graders are going to plant flowers in the school garden, organize a clean-up for the fields and a neighborhood rec center, go to the children's museum, and have a day at the water park. They will also buy some of their Brownie supplies for next year and participate in an all-school bridging ceremony. And they chose those activities themselves. They came up with the ideas, they made the goals.

The Scouts have recently been criticized for selling cookies. I've heard it all: the national Movement takes most of the profits and leaves little for the troops, the girls are exploited, the cookies are horrible for you, they are falsely advertising "zero trans fat", and in a day and age where Jamie Oliver is crusading against the pitiful excuse for food we serve to our kids through the national school lunch program, we are putting our daughters on the street to pimp, of all things, sugary chocolate treats, laden with sodium, sugar and fat.

Let me address these concerns:

1. Cookies cost about $3.50 a box. Of this, about $0.55 goes directly to the troop that sells the cookies.

2. About $2.00 goes to support the work of the local Council. This may sound like bureaucracy, but the Council is what makes so many of the Scout programs available, and cookie money keeps our camps up, running, maintained and staffed. It pays for safety and leader training, and funds scholarships for girls who can't afford the annual membership fee of $12.

3. About $0.11 per box pays for the girls' sale incentives. Badges, cookie credits, stuffed animals, and other swag.

3. The bakers get about $0.84 per box to cover the cost of the cookies.

This info comes directly from my cookie manager guide book. You'll notice that no money goes to the national movement. They get their own grants from places like the United Way. They do high-end fundraising. Why? Because they sponsor research and develop leadership programs. The national movement maintains relationships with international scouting organizations, advises on policy positions, and upholds the legacy of Juliette Gordon Lowe, the founder of American Girl Scouting. They do great work, but the girls aren't pushing cookies to support them. Likewise, cookie sales are voluntary. Troops and girls decide whether or not to participate.

As for the other claims, well, I honestly can't say. "Zero trans fat" is a claim that can be made when there is less than a certain amount of trans fat per serving. It probably is a misnomer. I can't say, I didn't do the science in figuring out that claim. Likewise, I agree that it seems incongruous to have our kids pedaling treats when we're fighting an obesity epidemic. But here's my answer to that: let's use this opportunity not only to teach leadership, goal-setting and entrepreneurship, but also moderation. I see no problem with showing the girls what a serving of Samoas is (three cookies, if you must know), and saying hey - eat healthy, and treat yourself in moderation. A few cookies here and there, well balanced with healthy whole foods (and hopefully a glass of fat-free milk or ice water) can be a great treat. Perhaps that's the model they should learn, not "eat a whole box in one sitting." (Admit it. You've done it. We all have.)

Look, I'm as guilty as the next American when it comes to overindulging. It's a battle I have fought my entire life. I'm working on it. I want to learn to garden, and I want to reduce my family's dependence not only on processed food, but on corporate groceries overall. I want to source local fresh foods, grow some of our own, and really examine what goes on our plates and where it comes from. I also want to look at how far our food has to travel. Why are we getting grapes from Chile in December? Why are my strawberries coming from California, when I know they are in season in Minnesota?

I'm also realistic enough to know that a big sea change within my family still leaves parts of the shore intact: we will inevitably have occasion to grab fast food; we will certainly have temptations to overcome. But part of being healthy is balancing those things out. Nobody's perfect, not even Jamie Oliver.

But we can all sure as hell do our best.

The Girl Scout Law
I will do my best to be
honest and fair,
friendly and helpful,
considerate and caring,
courageous and strong, and
responsible for what I say and do;
and to
respect myself and others,
respect authority,
use resources wisely,
make the world a better place,
and be a sister to every Girl Scout.

Guitar Heroes, Redux

2010-03-19T09:40:00.002-05:00

Concerts I Must See Live Before I Die:

1. Clapton
2. Springsteen
3. Santana The Ex, April 21, 2008
4. John Mayer (at a small club)
5. John Mayer Trio The Joint at Hard Rock Hotel, Las Vegas, December 31, 2009
6. Derek Trucks Band The Ex, April 21, 2008
7. Buddy Guy Legends, January 12, 2008
8. Bon Jovi
9. BB King
10. U2

Update: there WILL be a Crossroads in Chicago this year...since I missed London last summer, there's probably no better chance to see Clapton and BB King, as well as JM and Buddy Guy again.

U2 is coming to the Twin Cities this summer, and Bon Jovi has a concert scheduled for next month at the Ex. However, U2 sold out in like 2 minutes and I haven't heard great things about the Jove this time out. We'll see. Seems like I could probably go to the Ex and get a ticket if I felt the need.

As for Mayer at a small club? Fingers crossed for next month in Chicago...that maybe he pops up someplace and plays a few chords.

In other news, David Ryan Harris had to cancel his show at Schuba's earlier this week, so that leaves my Friday night in Chicago open next month. I was recently informed that my high school classmate Matt is in a play with John Mahoney and they have a show that Friday night, so that's a possibility. Either way, a good time will be had, because it's Chicago, and that's just the way Chicago is.

Working Girl

2010-03-13T09:54:00.002-06:00

I knew this time would come, eventually.

I have an interview (my first real, professional job interview in over five years) on Tuesday. I'm very excited, actually...while I have reservations about going back to work while still finishing up school, it's time to start beefing up the resume and the house fund.

We're incredibly lucky; I'm incredibly lucky to have been able to be a mom and student the last three years. I didn't have to work during school, or my pregnancy, and I've been home with Elle since she was born. My husband works for a fantastic company who treats its employees well, and he has been noted by his supervisors as someone with a great deal of potential for advancement. The distinction there is that he's actually taken advancing steps; it's not just talk. His job, combined with my school & degree are huge reasons for us to stay in the Cities after I graduate.

I've been thinking a LOT about going back to work. There are lots of reasons to go back, and a lot of other reasons that tell me to be cautious when selecting which jobs for which to apply. One of the advantages to having professional experience and an advanced degree is that I can be relatively picky. I'm not a new grad in the "22 and a liberal arts bachelor's degree" sense; while I'll be a new lawyer, it's still not the absolute ground floor of an adult career. I'm also eternally grateful to have that experience (life and job) on my side; I can't imagine that my decisions are the same as a coltish, single 25 year old law grad. (I'm also thinking my foray into the law will last longer than it takes to pay off my loans, realize my bliss and open a cupcake bakery. Which, really? Sounds pretty damn good at times.)

I'm also a LOT older than I was when I graduated from college, and along with my experience, I have a family to think about.

In preparation for my interview, I've jotted down a few of the things I'm looking for in a job.

1. Enough money. This may sound like a no-brainer, but if the cost of day-care for Elle and before/after care for Bea, plus the cost of commuting, parking, dry-cleaning & the other requirements of a job aren't at least covered by my wage, I can't take that job. While my husband makes wonderful money, the fact is that we're on a budget and it's an unnecessary strain on the family for me to spend money on a job.

2. Flexible hours. This is a pipe dream, but ideally I want to start back slow: around 20-25 hours a week. Ideally lumped as 2-3 solid days per week. Getting used to a commute and a morning routine is going to be tough enough, plus I am still in school. I still need time to study and prep for class. I'd love to work "mom" hours so that I can still put Bea on the bus in the morning and then be home for her in the afternoon. (This would also avoid before-after care costs.)

3. Geographically convenient. I'd like to work on my side of the Metro area. Elle's current babysitter is close to downtown, and we both adore her. She's agreed to take Elle on for than her current 1-2 days a week if I go back to work, and I really want to avoid putting Elle in a day-care center just yet.

I'll probably write more on this later...but for now, if you are reading this, take a moment and send a few good thoughts my way on Tuesday. Most especially that I don't kill myself in my new Calvin Klein heels. (Haven't worn heels this high in a VERY long time. Will be practicing in the house this weekend.)

Jumping on the Blog Train

2010-03-10T09:50:00.002-06:00

Two very good friends have recently picked up their blogs again, both of which you should go and read immediately here and here. I'll wait.

Sigh.

I don't want to blog about not blogging, so I won't. I'm taking these two friends' blogs as a sign that I should probably commit more to the written word than I have in recent memory. Suffice to say the last six months or so have been INSANE on so many fronts. (I'm certain these stories will come out in more detail as I write more.)

Family-wise, Bea joined Girl Scouts, and I am currently serving as an assistant leader/cookie mom. She continues with her swimming lessons,and has been taking music classes on Saturdays at a private music school here in the Cities. She now wants to pick up violin and piano, and knows big words like diatonic and pentatonic.

We spent Christmas in the hometown with my mom, sister, her fiance, my sister-in-law, my in-laws and a mess of friends. We were home for a solid week, dodging snowstorms and doing our best to not buy into holiday insanity. However, we were staying at my mother's house. Insanity is inherent under that particular roof.

The girls had their birthdays - Bea turned seven (and I did write her a letter - I may back-post it later) and little Miss Elle (aka "The Jedi Baby") turned a YEAR old. I wrote her a letter too - if I post Bea's, I'll post Elle's.

We landed at home for a day and a half before I jetted off to Vegas with Mara & Abbie to meet up with Cait for the most amazing New Year's Eve of my life. Bar none. I have seriously not had that much fun with a group of girls in AGES. Chicago in 2008 was fun, but this? Ridiculous. Utterly amazing. I don't know whether it was the setting, or whether it was the company (probably both), but that trip changed my life. I found the other three of my four... Mara, Abbie & Cait are my compass points, North, South and West to my East. I am thankful to the Universe for having Mara local to me - I would have wept the entire plane ride home if I'd had to do it alone.

Of course, John Mayer was involved, because the whole point of that trip was to see the Trio at the Hard Rock on NYE. A while back, I made a list of concerts I had to see before I died...JM3 was on that list - and...check. I was probably 15 feet away from the stage, maybe 3 people back in a GA crowd that was damn near suffocating. The concert itself should be a separate blog entry. The trip...indescribable.

So now, here I sit...the baby is napping and I have law homework to do, and the daily grind is once again upon me. I'm over at Twitter quite a bit - you can see my twitfeed in the left column, but as many have said before me, 140 characters aren't always enough. Trying to remember that.

Sick

2009-09-20T16:21:00.004-05:00

Holy BALLS do I hate it when people in my family get sick.

The kids, I can deal with. Seriously. Bea puts on the usual six year old drama and gets some palliative care (ice packs, Tylenol, fluids, naps, extra Disney Channel) and she's fine. She also gets contact sick -- whenever anyone else is sick, so is she. I have very little tolerance for the princess routine regardless of her place on the homeostatic scale, and getting sick is usually no more than an excuse for getting extra attention and spoilage.

Little Elle on the other hand, hasn't had so much as a sniffle in the past six months. Seriously. Aside from a little cold and some teething pain/fever, she's been healthy as a horse since she was born.

I am not allowed to get sick. I get something that knocks me on my ass about once every 3-4 years. I take my Advil/Benadryl/Robitussin, take a hot shower and drink some tea, go to bed and die for about 12 hours, get up and I'm fine. I don't abide getting sick. I get pissy when people in my house are sick.

And then there's The Boy.

My normally lovely, wonderful husband is horrible to be around when he's sick. He won't take anything, and he won't do anything. He just sits, waiting to get better. He'll take baths, he'll take naps, but he won't do anything to actively cure himself. It's up to me to force fluids, to buy the home remedies, to make him take them, and to get him better.

The worst is when Bea and the Boy are sick at the same time. As is the case right now. Holy crap, but do they feed off each other! Drama, thy name is Thompson. Would you like some cheese with your whine?

I came home to find everyone still in their pajamas, everyone on the couch, the baby in yesterday's outfit, lazy and lethargic, and nothing done. I don't know what it is about this combination that makes me fly into high gear, but I do. Without fail. Every. Single. Time. I turned off the tee vee, took everyone's temperature, determined that my husband was warm (probably from laying around in his bathrobe all day, Bea was slightly warmer (99.3, probably the same, but a gentle diet and some Pedialyte and extra fluids for good measure) and Elle was clearly on the mend (100.5, but happy and playing, an improvement over 101.7 and lethargic last night).

I don't know what it is in the maternal DNA that doesn't abide rest and laziness when sick. Perhaps it's jealousy: the world doesn't stop when I'm sick, so why should it stop for them? Perhaps it's also a lack of understanding: I don't get sick, ever, so I can't relate to what it's like. I don't know what it's like to have allergies or have to take more than a multi-vitamin each day to live normally.

I am grateful and thankful that everyone seems to just have a touch of whatever's going around, that it's not worse, and that they are all on the mend. I'm also thankful that my girls seemed to have inherited my constitution, as neither of them have ever gotten more sick than a 48 hour virus or an ear infection.

But dammit, it still bothers me.

In other news: I either threw my best 800 since 2007 in the pool yesterday, or I shorted myself a lap. I think I shorted myself, but I was still happy with the result. I added a timed lap on the end, and still came out just a hair under 20 minutes. This was a huge improvement over Thursday, and I swam continuously, where on Thursday I had to take breaks. Holla!

In further news, we got this lovely little treat via Twitter earlier this week. All I have to say is... droooool...

Just The Way You Are

2009-09-14T07:05:00.001-05:00

I got a comment on an old entry a few days ago, from an anonymous reader. They wrote: "...every time I hear about love like the one that you have, I can do nothing but wish that I could have the same...one day."

It's true. I'm crazy in love with my husband, and even though there are times we've faltered and failed each other, there are just as many times we've redeemed and uplifted each other. We've made babies together, we've made a life together. With any luck and huge effort, we'll grow gray and wrinkled together too. We have lived with, through, and for each other for almost half our lives. His smile is my comfort, his arms are my home.

Thank you, dear reader, for your kind words.

It's not our anniversary. It's not his birthday, or my birthday, or whatever. This song is for my Boy, just because I am so in love with him, it's not even funny.

Don't go changing, to try and please me
You never let me down before
Don't imagine you're too familiar
And I don't see you anymore
I wouldn't leave you in times of trouble
We never could have come this far
I took the good times, I'll take the bad times
I'll take you just the way you are

Don't go trying some new fashion
Don't change the color of your hair
You always have my unspoken passion
Although I might not seem to care

I don't want clever conversation
I never want to work that hard
I just want someone that I can talk to
I want you just the way you are.

I need to know that you will always be
The same old someone that I knew
What will it take till you believe in me
The way that I believe in you.

I said I love you and that's forever
And this I promise from the heart
I could not love you any better
I love you just the way you are.

Celebration Anxiety

2009-09-13T08:48:00.004-05:00

This past week was amazing and anxiety-inducing all at the same time. How on Earth was I going to start watching what I eat right before a holiday weekend, with my sister visiting, a wedding, a couple of lunch meetings, sending Bea off to school, and any number of other factors and issues?

By just doing it, that's how.

Life happens. There will ALWAYS be weddings and funerals and birthdays and celebrations and life events, and using them as an excuse to start "next week" or have a "bad day" is lame. Here is where I draw inspiration from Sooz: the girl drinks and socializes to her heart's content. She eats (essentially) whatever she wants, within reason. She balances her socializing with training like a mad woman and also being careful about her eating: if she has a sushi dinner date planned, she will eat gently the rest of the day to accommodate. If she wants a crazy insane cheeseburger, she works out to cancel out the intake. She's never minced words about that. If our law school tribe asks her to go out to lunch and we're going somewhere incompatible with her plan for that day, she simply declines. We all know it's not personal with Sooz...while we love her company, and she ours, we just get it. It's not personal to us; it's personal to her, and we all have priorities. I think law school has desensitized us to taking things personally; I am far more likely to take a "no" at face value and move on than ever before.

And so, thinking about Sooz, I approached last week by eating gently whenever nothing was planned, and trying not to worry too much about situations like Jon & Julia's wedding last Saturday, or the State Fair, or whatever. I hate denying myself when I'm out! What's the point of going to a wedding if you're going to feel guilty about eating wedding cake and boozing up the groom? (For the record, I probably need to temper this attitude a *little*. Fuzzy navels all night and three(!) pieces of wedding cake might be considered a little excessive, but I only did one tequila shot with the groom. Only one! And I do love myself the tequila. PATRON, baby!) I also did a little mitigation by choosing the vegetarian plated dinner, which turned out to be a delicious butternut squash ravioli with leeks and a very light cream sauce. NOM.

As for the State Fair, well... let's be frank: there was no temperance there. None can be had, I'm convinced. The choice then, is to go once a year and get it out of your system, and give yourself the day to enjoy, or to not go at all.

My goal for last week was to eat breakfast every day, and I'm proud to say I did it. I hauled the blender out, and when I didn't have breakfast plans, I made a 5-Factor Smoothie for myself, following Harley Pasternak's recipe (below). I plan to continue this, as it really worked for me. Smoothies are quick, portable and tasty, and have enough natural sugar in the fruit to sate my sweet tooth.

Mara had to work late last Thursday, so we put off our weigh-in until Saturday evening (last night), before we went out for her birthday(which...awesome! Donny Dirk's Zombie Den gets two thumbs up, and Psycho Suzi's lives up to its reputation.)

The Results
Last week's weight: 288.0
This week's weight: 285.6
Weekly change: -2.4
Net change: -2.4

Not bad for a busy, social week!
This week's goals: continue with the smoothies/breakfast, and exercise a total of 180 minutes. That's 3x an hour-long workout, or 6x 30 mins, or most likely, 2 hour-long sessions and 2 30 minute sessions. I'm going to make it a point to get baby Elle in the stroller and go for a nice long walk a couple times this week, and we have found a new babysitter, and the school pool opens this week for fall hours, so SWIMMING!

Virtual 5K

2009-09-11T11:45:00.001-05:00

I challenged a bunch of Facebook friends to do Couch to 5k with me and do a 5K over the Labor Day weekend. Due to aches, pains, and a general lack of (enough) training, I put off my 5K until today.

I am pleased to report that I survived with no pain, no sore feet, no sore hips, no sore back, and finished in a time of 51:05.

My personal best came in 2006 at the height of my training, and it was a 40:16. I have never broken 40 minutes. A 51 is really slow and I walked except about 5 minutes of it, but I did it, without hurt, and with a negative split (the second half was faster than the first.)

I plan to go for another 5K this week and see if I can't break 50. I'm starting to feel my training come back to me, and it's an amazing feeling.

Today was also eight years since That Day. Unlike years past, I didn't dwell on the details. I remembered what happened, and decided my best tribute to the fallen (on all sides) was to say a silent prayer, enjoy the blessings of my day, revel in the September sun, and give thanks for new leadership and the hope of change.

Although we are healing and moving on as a country from the horrific acts of that day, I will never forget.

First Day of First Grade

2009-09-08T11:54:00.003-05:00

So the school bus came and picked Bea up this morning, and I am officially the mother of a first grader. Child, weren't you born about a month ago?

My sister visited this past weekend and brought her new guy with her. He's very nice, polite, good sense of humor and is absolutely head over heels for her. He's good people, and after all she's been through, a Nice Guy is absolutely what she deserves. We had a wild and crazy 48 hours, including boating on the St. Croix with Kate and a trip to the State Fair.

Oh my, the State Fair. Where food on sticks reigns supreme. I think I consumed enough fat for a month. My only saving grace is all the walking around we did, which probably burned up about half the calories we ate. Seriously: french fries, fried cheese on a stick, cheese curds, hot dogs, hamburgers, cheesecake on a stick, footlong corndogs on a stick, Sweet Martha's Cookies (a bucket full!), lemonade, cotton candy, funnel cake... you name it. We didn't get to try the pot roast sundae or the Nacho Mama, and we saved the hotdish on a stick for next year. But oh my God... I am going to spend the next two days in detox. Fortunately, I think I reigned myself in well enough the rest of the week.

Jon & Julia also got married this weekend, and I ate 3 pieces (yes, three, seriously) of wedding cake (and it was delicious!) and got delightfully drunk at the reception. Oh, alcohol...you are so tasty and intoxicating going down, and so caloric two days afterward...big props to Kate for bringing me home, as I was not in any shape to drive. Needless to say, the wedding feast will be a factor on Thursday as well.

All in all, it was a really wonderful weekend, spent with friends and family, enjoying life and living out loud. I love our life in Minnesota; we have more friends and are more social, our kids are thriving, and I'm beginning to see beyond what brought us here (law school) and what will keep us here. It's starting to feel like home, and though I'll always remember my hometown fondly, and will visit often (as I have friends and memories there as well), I'm starting to picture my girls growing up here, and imagining what that might look like.

I like what I'm starting to see.

Starting Over (Again)

2009-09-04T09:17:00.003-05:00

As I mentioned in my last post, I'm restarting my efforts to lose weight. The fact is that I've been fat my entire adult life, and not much has changed that. However, I've never been this fat before, and it has really hit home with me. I can't train the way I want to, I hurt in places I shouldn't, and I'm far too young to be this disenchanted. I should love the way my body looks, feels and moves, and to be brutally honest, I never have. I don't know what it feels like.

But I want to find out.

I can't afford to go back to Weight W@tchers, and I wasn't thrilled with the leader I found here. She always emphasized "size" and "clothes" and yes, those things are important, but for someone like me, emphasis on health and good habits are far more motivating.

We're constantly bombarded with information on diet, and yet we're all still fat. I've come to the conclusion that it all comes down to the basics: portion control, exercise, eating whole foods and practicing everything in moderation, including moderation. In other words, yes, you must cheat in order to succeed. But then, it's not cheating, is it?

This may sound overly complicated, but I'm planning to do a combination of Biggest Loser, WW, Five-Factor and Insulin Resistance, taking the best of each of those programs and making it work for my situation. And I'm going to blog it, because I do well when I am accountable, and writing is my release. I don't want to turn this into a weight loss blog, any more than I wanted to turn it into a pregnancy blog or a law school blog or a triathlon blog or a "whatever" blog. It is meta, but that's okay, because it's me, and this is what I happen to be doing right now.

My dear friend and fellow fangirl Mara and I are doing this together. We are meeting on Thursday nights and she started a notebook for us with goals and weight. Each week, we'll walk two miles or so, and weigh in on her scale (hers is better than mine). I will post my weight and goal, for all the world and Internet to see, because it's embarrassing and public, and what I need to do.

So then. It begins.

The Program and Mission Statement:

I will(loosely) follow the P0ints program to measure food intake. I will watch calories, but I will also listen to my body and eat deliberately, stopping when full and fueling when hungry. I will balance my meals in order to track carbs. I will eat my fruits and veggies and drink my water. I will rest, and I will train.

I will turn to my friends and my blog in times of trouble. I will revel in my successes, and find resolve in my failures. There will be both. I will use the joy of cooking to learn how to fuel my body.

WEEK ONE
Weight: 288.0
Goal: Eat breakfast every day this week, without fail. This is a hard thing for me, as I've never been a breakfast eater. However, I have adopted Harley Pasternak's 5-Factor Smoothie as my breakfast of choice, and it is both tasty and quick.

Need To Do This

2009-09-01T13:10:00.004-05:00

More later, I'm on my way to take the girls to the indoor waterpark. School started 3 weeks ago for me, next week for Bea. My sister is visiting this weekend with her (GASP) fiance (oh yeah, I've been away for a loooooooooong time), Dad came and visited a few weeks ago (!!!)

Yes, Internet. We're long overdue for a nice, long chat. Bring the booze.

In the mean time, I did a false start with WW in May/June, but I managed to keep off 10 of 15 pounds lost. Time to get back on the wagon, without the $20 per week group therapy. More on this too.

Food Diary for Today:

Breakfast
5-Factor Fuze Smoothie (Fage plain yogurt, 1 medium orange, 1/2 Fuze Mango)
5 pts/55 carbs/15g protein

Lunch
Amy's Tamale Verde frozen dinner
7 pts/55 carbs/ 7g protein

Snacks
1/2 fuze 2 pts
1 banana 2 pts
Cheese curds 3 pts

Dinner
No Name Salmon Filet 7pts
1 cup organic uncooked spinach 0 pts

For now, I'm going to follow a combination of the point system to calculate volume, the 5-Factor plan and insulin resistance guidelines to decide what to eat, and in general, limiting the amount of white bread, HFCS, and overall empty calories. I will probably also experiment with a "cheat day" - but I know myself fairly well, and I might start with a "cheat meal" once a week, rather than a full-on cheat day. Believe me when I tell you that one cheat day can be justified and extended into a full-on three day "weekend" of cheating.

I'm also going to be blogging about it. With any luck this will work and I can take a few pounds off before the holidays. Okay, more than a few. Okay, as much as I can. I'm hoping that's in the 25-35 pound range.

Answer

2009-08-16T17:06:00.003-05:00

I see so much pain in the eyes of so many. I wonder sometimes what I will do with this big fancy education I'm working on. I worry that sometimes my pursuit is futile, because sometimes you can only help people who want help. Sometimes the people who need it most don't know it.

All I can do is be there. I don't know if I can give any answers, but I can be there.

I will help, if only they ask.

I will be the answer
At the end of the line
I will be there for you
While you take the time
In the burning of uncertainty
I will be your solid ground
I will hold the balance
If you can't look down

If it takes my whole life
I won't break, I won't bend
It will all be worth it
Worth it in the end
Cause I can only tell you what I know
That I need you in my life
When the stars have all gone out
You'll still be burning so bright

Cast me gently
Into morning
For the night has been unkind
Take me to a
Place so holy
That I can wash this from my mind
The memory of choosing not to fight

If it takes my whole life
I won't break, I won't bend
It will all be worth it
Worth it in the end
'Cause I can only tell you what I know
That I need you in my life
When the stars have all burned out
You'll still be burning so bright

Cast me gently
Into morning
For the night has been unkind

-Sarah McLachlan, "Answer"

Ten

2009-05-22T13:15:00.000-05:00

I got tired of waiting, wondering if you were ever coming around
My faith in you was fading when I met you on the outskirts of town, and I said,

"Romeo, save me I've been feeling so alone, I keep waiting for you but you never come; is this in my head? I don't know what to think"
He knelt to the ground and pulled out a ring

And said, "marry me Juliet, You'll never have to be alone
I love you and that's all I really know,
I talked to your dad, go pick out a white dress
It's a love story baby just say yes..."

'Cause we were both young when I first saw you...

-- "Love Story", Taylor Swift

Constant Cravings

2009-03-01T22:04:00.002-06:00

I went to college in Texas. There are some AMAZING things about Texas: the weather, the people, and THE FOOD. My God, the food. Steak? Check. Best Chinese food ever? Check. (Chinatown Cafe.) Cajun? You betcha. (Razzoo's!) BBQ? Oh, yeah.

And then there's the TexMex. Lord, but do I know why mis amigas hispanas y latinas used to go home on the weekend, and come back with shopping bags laden with Tupperware full of arroz con garbanzos, enchiladas de pollo, chiles rellenos fresh salsa, and of course, homemade guacamole and tortillas. Around the holidays, there was no shortage of tamales, and no holiday party was complete without a big Crock-Pot of queso dip and tortilla chips. Yes, I developed a discerning palate for authentic Tex-Mex food, and it lasts even to this day. Alas, my poor Northern brethren are lacking in true Tex-Mex restaurants. We have a few that come close, but man... when all you want is a sopaipilla the size of your fist, steaming hot from the fryer, sprinkled with cinnamon and sugar, and ready to be slathered in melted butter and honey...

Nothing comes close to the original.

Sweet Baby James

2009-02-28T20:48:00.002-06:00

Because I did it for her sister yesterday, and because she's always on my mind. This one's for sweet baby Elle. I'm a big believer in singing "real" songs to kids, not just lullabies and kid music. It has its place, for certain, but in the car and on the stereo at home, we listen to Mom's Music. And that is not just John Mayer, but 10,000 Maniacs, Pearl Jam, Dixie Chicks, the Cities Sampler, Sara Barielles, and yes, James Taylor. The song was written as a lullaby for JT's nephew and namesake, and it has always been a favorite of mine. When Elle responded to it, it became special on a completely different level.

This vid is nice because you get to hear the story of JT's nephew, the original "ornery little varmint" named baby James.

There is a young cowboy, he lives on the range.
His horse and his cattle are his only companions;
He works in the saddle and he sleeps in the canyons,
Waiting for summer, his pastures to change

And as the moon rises, he sits by his fire,
Thinking about women and glasses of beer;
And closing his eyes as the dogies retire,
He sings out a song which is soft but it's clear, as if maybe someone could hear.

Goodnight, you moonlight ladies; rockabye sweet baby James...
Deep greens and blues are the colors I choose;
Won't you let me go down in my dreams?
And rockabye sweet baby James.

Now the first of December was covered with snow,
And so was the turnpike from Stockbridge to Boston.
Lord, the Berkshires seemed dreamlike on account of that frosting,
With ten miles behind me and ten thousand more to go...

There's a song that they sing when they take to the highway,
A song that they sing when they take to the sea,
A song that they sing of their home in the sky—
Maybe you can believe it if it helps you to sleep,
But singing works just fine for me...

So, goodnight, you moonlight ladies; and rockabye sweet baby James
Deep greens and blues are the colors I choose;
Won't you let me go down in my dreams?
And rockabye sweet baby James.

Blossom

2009-02-27T14:51:00.001-06:00

Because I am thinking about my big girl Bea, and this song always reminds me of her.

Blossom, smile some sunshine down my way
Lately, Ive been lonesome
Blossom, its been much too long a day
Seems my dreams have frozen
Melt my cares away

Send the sunshine down my way whenever you call my name
I know what you mean to say to me, girl, its all the same

Blossom, theres an empty road behind
Sit you down beside me
Blossom, theres a sweet dream on my mind
Theres a song inside me
Take these chains away

Now, send the sunshine down my way whenever you call my name
I know what you mean to say to me, girl, its all the same

Blossom, smile some sunshine down my way
Lately, Ive been lonesome
Blossom, its been much too long a day
Seems my dreams have frozen
Melt my cares away

In The Pain, There is Healing

2009-02-26T10:20:00.002-06:00

I was all set to write a fun little entry about my girls; about their general adorablenesses and proclivities, a little compare and contrast of two little people who share parents and blue eyes but not much else. Even a couple of months in, I can already tell: they are two distinctly different people. They look nothing alike, they have two different temperaments, two totally different personalities. They are both feisty in their own ways: Bea is gregarious and outspoken, unapologetic and demonstrative. Elle, on the other hand, is quieter and more laid back. I remember Bea being a very shy toddler; she's grown into her extroversion. I wonder if Elle will do the same, but it wouldn't surprise me if her temperament won't sway to the "strong but quiet" side of the spectrum.

But that's not what's on my mind this morning.

I'm thinking about the fact that we're supposed to have upwards of six inches of snow on the ground starting any minute now.

Bea starts her Level 2 swimming lessons tonight; hoping the weather won't cancel them. Also thinking about the fact that I need to run to the store, and should probably do that before the snow gets bad.

And what I'm procrastinating writing about is the fact that I got an email from my dad yesterday, asking if he could come visit over spring break. He is one of the things I don't write about much. I'm sure anyone who has read my blog long enough or knows me and has talked to me for any length of time realizes what a source of conflict and hurt he's been in my life. I've been working with a counselor in the last year or so to get my head straight, and in doing that I've gained a lot of perspective on my life and capabilities. I've learned to be strong and honest, because if I am anything less, I am hurting myself, and my family in the process.

I wrote this to him (excerpted):

As for visiting... I understand that you miss us, but I need to be honest with you here: I'm not sure about it. The fact is that right now I'm not very confident in our relationship -- such as it is. As I've told you before, I've gotten through a lot of anger and resentment toward you and your actions. I don't know if you know exactly how badly your actions hurt all of us, and it's not as simple as saying "sorry, guys" and picking right back up. This is a big piece of the fallout resulting from your choices, and it is something you are going to have to live with for awhile...

I don't know if you've figured out that it's been over a year since we even talked on the phone, and June will be two years since we've seen each other. I am not sure that a visit is in my deck of cards just yet. If there's something you can tell me to change my mind, the floor's open. I've been open and honest with you regarding my feelings - brutally so, because it's the only way I can function. I need you to return that honesty, without pulling punches or using semantics or worrying about being proper or tactful. I want to find some way of having a meaningful relationship with you, but I can't do it unless I know your side of the story.

I'm listening.

Ash Wednesday 2009

2009-02-25T09:34:00.002-06:00

In the sweat of thy face shalt thou eat bread till thou return unto the ground, for out of it wast thou taken; for dust thou art, and unto dust shalt thou return.

Genesis 3:19

So. Usually for Lent, if one observes it, one must give up something enjoyable for the 40 days of the season. It is a time of reflection and sacrifice, and the idea is to remember what Christ did for us in sacrificing his life for our salvation. It is a recognition of blessings, and a denial of self. A mechanism in humility.

Now, Holy Mother Church doesn't run my life, but I once heard a priest say that he thought Lent was more about self improvement than it was about self-sacrifice. Rather than hurting and feeling pain, he said, a better way to celebrate Lent is to pick an area of your life to improve, and work diligently at it for those 40 straight days.

I like that idea.

Since I've neglected this blog since Elle's birth, I have decided that I will write every single day during Lent. It might be a blurb, it might be a song lyric, it might be nothing at all. But I will write. Blogging means so much to me and it really does help me stay grounded, and I've let that get away in the last few months. It also gets me going; part of my routine last semester was to try and blog or write down some thoughts before I studied. It helped me focus and clear my mind, and that's something that needs to happen more often, especially with the unpredictability of having an infant in the house.

Naming Names

2009-02-03T00:30:00.000-06:00

For the last couple of years, I've referred to my firstborn daughter on this blog as "The Girl." Easy enough, right? My husband is "The Boy", and that's also easy enough to distinguish. I do this to maintain privacy -- my name is out there, and if you know me, you know them, and that's fine. However, my husband's business is such that he does not want a social online presence, and I am a lioness when it comes to my kids. Therefore, it's in everyone's best interests to remain nameless.

However.

We now have a second child, who is also a girl. This complicates things. (See, even at birth, women are complicated. L2Deal, men...) How would I distinguish the two? I didn't want to call her "the baby" because she won't be one for very long, and I didn't want to give her a name and not give her sister a name, or vice-versa. So I thought about it (for about ten seconds) and came up with the following.

I have a Big Girl.
I have a Little Girl.

B.G. and L.G.

B and L.

Bea and Elle!!

Therefore! Henceforth, the Girl will be known as Bea, and the baby will be known as Elle. Both are pseudonyms, but easy, namey sort-of things, which are cute in their own girly way. I could send these names to school and the teacher wouldn't look at me in a weird way.

So. There you have it. Hope it's not too confusing for anyone.

32 Days of Ketchup

2009-02-02T13:06:00.005-06:00

Okay wow! I just broke my own non-blogging record, and in a big, big way. Of course, I have a tremendous excuse for doing so, since I did the following:

1. Gave birth (and liveblogged it, which I will likely import over here when/if time permits);

2. Recovered from said birth (and still doing so for another ten days; post-partum is officially 42 days long according to the doc);

3. Started back to school;

4. Got the Girl started back to school;

5. Survived the usual January blast of Minnesota arctic chill; and

6. Watched the Steelers win the Super Bowl!

So I've had a busy month!

The birth itself went about as well as I could have expected, considering I had a repeat c-section. I liveblogged it and will probably eventually take that blog down and import everything over here so it can be properly archived.

School (so far) is going well. There are ups and downs to my current schedule. The major plus is that I only have ONE (yes one!) written final this term, for Evidence. I am told it's a major pain, so I will likely take as much time as I need to study for it and then take it when I'm ready. Another major plus: two of my classes are done either shortly before Easter or shortly after it, and these are the classes that meet on the weekend days this term. Score! I can handle two classes on Friday if that's the only day of the week I have to sit in class.

Downside? TWO major writing projects (a motion brief and a paper) and a mock trial to run for Trial Advocacy. I suppose it could be worse -- but it just means that each week I will have a LOT of prep work, rather than pacing through 14 weeks of reading and outlining, then 3 weeks of final crunch.

And then I'm HALFWAY done with law school! How'd that happen, y'all??

I'm sure there's more... like how the baby likes it when I sing Paul Simon and James Taylor ("Me and Julio Down By The Schoolyard" is a favorite) and how geeked I am that things are looking up in terms of a new JM album this year. I still wish I could have gone on MCC2, but I'll deal. After all, if there is a tour coming up this fall, then Santa will know what to leave in my stocking. And I STILL need to get my autographed copy of Continuum framed and hung in the baby's room.

Until then, it's me doing my thing: studying when the baby sleeps, typing one-handed when she doesn't, looking forward to longer, warmer days and enjoying the sunshine when we get it.

I must say -- I am jealous of my cousin's husband. He got to GO to the Superbowl this year and saw the boys bring home #6 in person. At the very least, he had the decency to take his dad with him to the big game, and he mentioned that it was a childhood fantasy come true. (After that 4th quarter comeback, I hope it was worth it!) I jest in my purported jealousy; it couldn't have happened to a nicer guy in all honesty.

And now I must return to my regularly scheduled day of baby-wrangling, kitchen-cleaning, laundry-folding and general de-cluttering. BBQ crockpot ribs for dinner tonight. Woo!

Hospital #10: Cleared for Re-Entry

2009-01-01T22:45:00.000-06:00

Got the official word from on high: Bean and I are headed home tomorrow morning, after the docs give us each a last look-see and we get our discharge papers. The unit coordinator was nice enough to come over and get the birth certificate and social security paperwork out of the way, so all we need is our last checks and we're outta here!

The good news is that we're establishing something of a breastfeeding pattern, but the bad news is that she still lost some weight (not uncommon after birth), but she lost a little more than they like to see, so we're supplementing with some formula, and I'm going to be pumping in order to increase my own milk supply. The LC said mixing in an ounce of formula with 2-3 oz of breastmilk will be fine, so it's a true supplement - just enough to help fill her tummy until I can catch up to her. I think my milk should be coming in fairly soon, and the other nice benefit is that I get a spare set of parts for my personal breastpump.

The bags are packed, the Bean is still down (and isn't due for another feeding for about 3 hours or so, and I'm tired, so I think I'm going to try and get some sleep. Next entry will probably be from home (thank God!) I will have my husband bring the camera back so we can post a few going-home shots, and even though it's the end of the birth journey, it's the start of a life journey for us and our new addition.

I'm so glad you are all along for the ride.

Hospital #9: Recovering

2009-01-01T09:24:00.000-06:00

It's hard to believe that Baby Bean is barely 40 hours old. I think that the maternal amnesia is setting in: when you have a baby you immediately forget what life was like "before."

Last night the baby and I were on our own, as my in-laws needed to begin their travels home (a drive of about 900 miles), and we wanted to give them flexibility to leave because the weather here is unpredictable at best in January. Also, he'd been with me the last two nights, and our daughter was lonesome for her Daddy. Understandable. Besides, I have a fleet of nurses and staff at my disposal, at a call button's length away. It's all good, even if it means I have to forego my new year's kiss until this morning. (The baby got hers, though. :) )

I am slowly but surely recovering. Hospital time is slow...very very slow. Yesterday I felt great throughout the day, but the night was a bit of a trial, as I was balancing the baby's needs with my own capabilities in terms of getting in and out of bed. I still hurt and am tender in my abdomen, but once I'm up and going I'm fine and generally pain free. However, if I've been laying down for awhile it takes a fair effort to sit up, and it hurts.

Bean so far is good -- they did her newborn screening yesterday and she passed her hearing test. Her bilirubin came back slightly high, so right now we're just working on breastfeeding so she can get rid of as much of it as possible in the natural way. (Pooping. Babies are very good at that.) I'm not worried about jaundice at this point, because she's been doing well with the breastfeeding, and I think it's just going to take some effort to get things moving and shaking. Besides, we've both had a very busy week.

She's very content -- her social smiles are starting to come through and she's generally laid back. I have a feeling she'll get feisty soon enough, but she sleeps a lot, so much so that I have to violate my cardinal rule of parenting a newborn and wake her up to feed her. At least she doesn't have her days and nights mixed up...at least as far as I can tell.

All signs are pointing to discharge tomorrow, probably in the evening. I hope so...as much as it's nice to be pampered, it will also be nice to be home.

And...I'm being beckoned by Princess Bean over there, busily chewing her fist. Time for second breakfast, I suspect.

Happy New Year, y'all!

Big Sis, Little Sis

2008-12-31T18:02:00.000-06:00

Pretty much says it all, doesn't it?

2008 Wrap-Up

2008-12-31T13:53:00.000-06:00

(Okay, I'm cheating. It's really February 3rd right now, but I wanted to post this. So I backlogged it. I suppose I could have posted it whilst in the hospital over New Years' but you know... baby and stuff.)

1. What did you do in 2008 that you’d never done before?

Did a stint as a stay-at-home mom. Very interesting.

2. Did you keep your new year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year?

I don't remember making any, but I did resolve this year to be kinder and gentler to people in thought, word and deed. So far it's been a good mindset to remember.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
Yes! Jen and I both gave birth to beautiful baby girls, and we are waiting on Finn and Baby M (both of unknown gender) to make their appearances this spring. Sharing pregnancy with a girlfriend is an amazing and wonderful thing.

4. Did anyone close to you die?
No, I don't think so. It was a good year in that respect.

5. What countries did you visit?
Unfortunately, no international travel this year. Mom and Sis went to Ireland, though!

6. What would you like to have in 2009 that you lacked in 2008?
A really awesome triathlon season. Boy did I ever miss training and competing -- more than I ever thought I would.

7. What dates from 2008 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?

January: girls' weekend in Chicago w/Kate & Sooz, saw Buddy Guy in concert

Mother's Day: found out I was pregnant

July 2nd: met John Mayer in person (Milwaukee Summerfest show)
July 3rd: St. Louis JM show
July 17-21st: Girls' weekend in Chicago w/the JM girls; JM Chicago show on the 18th.
August 30-31: Final two JM shows in Florida, road-tripping with Jen

September 8: The Girl's first day of school!

December 17: took a big fall on the ice on my way to school. (I'll tell this story later.)

December 29-30: induction and birth of Baby Bean.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Honestly? 2008 was a real year of transition for me. I think I had a lot of achievements, from massive improvement of my grades, to coming to terms with my parents' divorce and my relationship with my father, to finally getting the family on a budget so we could live without my part time job.

I also feel like my second birth experience vindicated my first, even though it turned out nothing like I thought it would.

9. What was your biggest failure?

Keeping the house decluttered. Honestly...I have laundry and general cleaning down pat. Clutter...just keeps growing like kudzu around here.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
Pregnancy is not an illness...but I did have my fair share of ups and downs with this one, including dizzy flashes and serious exhaustion. I took a fall about two weeks before the Bean was born and I don't think I've ever experienced that much consistent pain in my life.

11. What was the best thing you bought?
Plane tickets and concert tickets for five (FIVE!) JM summer tour shows.

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?

The MN voter recount committee. They are doing a hell of a job in deciding the Senate race between Coleman and Franken. Here's to the process at work!

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?

Sadly, the same as last year: the Bush administration. Thank GOD they are gone and we can get back to the real work of America.

14. Where did most of your money go?
Target! (No really... Target, summer tour travel and probably hospital bills, once they start rolling in.)

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?

Meeting John Mayer and traveling/meeting new friends. My friends are easily the best benefit of being a JM fan.

16. What song will always remind you of 2008?

"Gravity" by Sara Barielles. For many, many reasons.

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
a) happier or sadder? Much happier.
b) thinner or fatter? About the same, which is miraculous considering I was pregnant. Be gone, baby weight!
c) richer or poorer? About the same. Probably slightly richer, although that's more likely due to gas prices returning to normal than anything else...

18. What do you wish you’d done more of? Things with the Girl during the summertime. We're going to have to make a concerted effort to get out of the house more when school is out, even with the baby.

19. What do you wish you’d done less of?
Complain, argue and feel sorry for myself. Life's too short.

20. How did you spend Christmas? On the couch, almost immobile and recovering from finals. Also preparing for the baby's arrival.

21. Did you fall in love in 2008?

Absolutely and without question.

22. What was your favorite TV program?

Weeds! We Netflix'ed the first 3 seasons and hello! Awesome!

23. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year?

Hate is a strong word. I don't hate anyone. I did lose a friend this year, to a stupid and petty argument. I want to make amends, but need to figure out how.

24. What was the best book you read?

Hmmm... didn't get to read much this year, but I'll bite and say "Shadow Cities." Any book that mentions flying toilets gets a big thumbs up!

25. What was your greatest musical discovery?

Matt Nathanson! (Thanks, Jen!) Possibly re-discovering Jim Croce. Pandora overall rocks pretty hard. And Keri Noble is amazing.

26. What did you want and get?

A healthy baby, a lot of John Mayer, and a new car. (Heinrich!)

27. What did you want and not get?
To do a triathlon and get more in shape.

28. What was your favorite film of this year?

I don't know if I had one! I saw a lot of movies -- mostly of the kid variety, though.

29. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?

Went to Red Robin and had a bowling party!! (I was 31.)

30. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?

Dean's List and a scholarship.

31. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2008?
Clearance rack at Motherhood Maternity!

32. What kept you sane?

My counselor, and having a Summer of Awesome. I needed the time and the perspective, and it made everything so, so much better.

33. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?

A-duh. And I got to meet him this year too!!

34. What political issue stirred you the most?
Equality in marriage. For everyone.

35. Who did you miss?
Jordana.

36. Who was the best new person you met? Can I have more than one? The JM Chicago girls! (Jen, Allison, Geneva, Linda, Amanda and Monica), and Cait and Mara. 2008 was fantastic for friend-making.

37. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2008.

It's NEVER too late to let go and start over. And you never know what form or shape that will take.

38. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year.

Joey, baby - don't get crazy
Detours, fences, I get defensive
I know you've heard it all before, so I don't say it anymore
I just stand by and watch you fight your secret war.
Although I used to wonder why, I used to cry 'til I was dry.
Still sometimes I get a strange pain inside,
Oh, Joey, if you're hurting so am I.

Joey, honey - I got some money.
All is forgiven; listen, listen...
And if I seem to be confused, I didn't mean to be with you.
And when you said I scared you, well I guess you scared me too.
But we got lucky once before, and I don't wanna close the door;
And if you're somewhere out there passed out on the floor,
Oh Joey, I'm not angry anymore.

And if I seem to be confused, I didn't mean to be with you.
And when you said I scared you, well I guess you scared me too.
But if it's love you're looking for, then I can give a little more
And if you're somewhere drunk and passed out on the floor,
Oh, Joey I'm not angry anymore...angry anymore...

Hospital #8: Afterbirth

2008-12-31T09:50:00.000-06:00

I know I said I was going to try and get the final info up last night, but you know. The last thing my husband was going to let me do was get online -- and quite frankly, we needed a little time to ourselves. We had a good evening, I'm off the IV and the catheter, and for the first time in about 24 hours, I'm feeling vaguely human again.

My husband has gone home for a few hours to shower, change clothes, catch a nap and begin to recover his own humanity. It looks like a beautiful day outside -- lots of sun and warmth, despite the cold.

Oh, speaking of beautiful things...

World, meet The Bean.

By the numbers:

December 30, 2008
5:38PM
10 lb, 4 oz
20.5 inches long
APGAR scores: 8 and 9

Brown hair, blue eyes, and the absolute spitting image of her paternal grandfather and great-grandmother (who greatly favored each other). I have no idea where she got the full head of brown hair -- her older sister favored my family in that respect -- we were all baldies with no more than towheaded peachfuzz until age 2.

She has a number of things in common with her older sister: they are both Capricorns, they both seem feisty and are champion breastfeeders. They share the same long, thin piano fingers and the same freaky monkey toes. They have differences too; where her older sister had an altimeter at birth and preferred to be walked and swayed, this baby seems to like a swaddle and a close cuddle.

I'll write the full recap of the birth in a little while, I think. Right now, I need to go down to the nursery and meet with the on-call pediatrician for the daily check. So far, her numbers are perfect and she's in the best of health.

And I'm in love.

Can't you tell?

Hospital #7: Decision

2008-12-30T14:52:00.000-06:00

Apparently, I have a very stubborn cervix.

I'm tired.

And I want to meet our daughter.

Bottom line: it's going to be a repeat c-section. I'm okay with it. We're both okay and we have the time to go in without rushing. I've done this before. It's not my ideal, but in the end, it's what needs to be done.

Do I feel like a failure? I don't think so. I got the chance to try, and I stuck with what I knew I wanted. In the end, it's all about what's right for the two of us. The doc was very frank with me, as having had a previous c-section definitely limits my time allotment, in terms of how long they will let me labor on the Pitocin, as opposed to someone who hasn't had a prior C.

Okay, maybe I'm not completely okay with it, but I will be. I feel like this time around I at least gave myself a chance, and that's all I can really ask of myself. I think it comes down to this: I was fine and handling the contractions well, and all of a sudden I felt...not myself. A bit disoriented, a bit sick, definitely tired. I took a 30 minute nap and it helped, but the fact that there is an end in sight makes me feel better than any nap or medicine or words. Part of what makes me feel better about this choice is that I don't feel backed into a corner, and I know what I'm about to do. The other nice thing is that my doc is the one who will be able to do the birth -- that's a tremendous source of comfort to me, rather than having an unknown on-call doctor digging around my insides.

Doc says we'll likely go in around 4-4:30, and my hope is to have some pix and an update up here later this evening. So I'll tell all of you what I told my husband: go get something to eat, relax, and check back in later.

Thanks again, one and all, for your kind words and unfailing support. See you on the flip side...

Hospital #6: Quick Update

2008-12-30T12:28:00.000-06:00

Pit's up to 18 now and so far, seems as if there's no change in contractions. Honestly? I think I'm immune to it or something.

It's 12:30. Nurse said if Dr. R. wasn't here within 30 mins she was going to check me herself. At this point, I would really REALLY like to see some progress on the cervix. If I have it, they can possibly break my water and that would definitely get the show on the road. Seems as if the bean is floating along in her little home, oblivious to everything we're trying.

More later...still waiting on the doc.

Hospital #5: All We Need Is Just A Little Patience...

2008-12-30T10:13:00.000-06:00

So...we've been at this for about 15 hours, on the Pit for around 12. I'm now at level 8 and for whatever reason the contractions slowed down for awhile, then just decided to pick back up a bit -- they are coming on stronger, at about 4-5 minutes apart. I'm hoping things remain steady.

I forgot to say last night, but my cervix was around a 1 last night, still high and moderately thin. The nurse checked me around an hour ago and roughly no change. She's got a call in to my doc to see what's what in terms of our options.

This is a big crossroads for me. I don't want to think about the words failed induction just yet...I feel like I've made progress in terms of my contractions, but the point is that if my cervix isn't ready, ain't nothin' happenin' no matter what, and it's off to the OR I go if we're serious about having this baby (and we are). I think I'm just bracing myself for whatever news comes down the pike.

OK -- nurse just came in and said Dr. R. is coming down to check on me -- she's at the other hospital and needs to do some administrative stuff. I'm hoping she's here in a couple hours, and those couple hours will show some progress.

*sigh*

The good news is that the contractions are tolerable and mostly evenly spaced, and I feel pretty good physically. I'm wrapping my head around the thought of a repeat C-section, and I think I'm mostly okay with it. I just don't want to resign myself to it...just yet.

Thanks for all the good vibes, y'all...appreciated more than you could ever know.

Oh, by the way? If you ever get a chance to catch a show on USA Network called Burn Notice, check it out. We're on our second episode right now and so far it's pretty good. Plus? Bruce Campbell. Bonus points right there!

Hospital #4: Off to the Races

2008-12-30T06:14:00.000-06:00

Not as much rest as I originally intended, but what I got will suffice. Hospital beds are uncomfortable, y'all! Give me my king-size pillowtop anyday.

Time moved slower than molasses in winter, so I broke out some music to make time go faster, and it did. Also turns out I had a change of staff overnight, and my new nurse decided to see what would happen if she turned the Pit up a notch.

It kept me up, is what happened. Apparently my contractions started to pile up, so they turned it back to 4 and there it remains. However, I can definitely feel the intensity picking up, despite the meds remaining at the same level from last night.

My husband is asleep right now...poor guy probably barely got any rest. I take it in stride...I don't think I worry as much about my energy level as his. I know I'll be exhausted after all is said and done...I want him to go home and get some real rest tonight, I think. Our daughter needs to see him, and I won't mind being alone with the baby for a little while. Once the baby is home I'll rest.

Another fun tidbit -- we had 2 nurses in here over the last 15-20 minutes trying to find the bean on the monitor. Apparently she loves to play hide and seek with the monitors, and anytime I so much as twitch, they lose her on the monitor and come rushing in here trying to make sure she's not in distress. All they really have to do is look... she's kicking like a mofo and is still very active, so I am guessing things are a-ok down there.

More contractions soon, I'd suspect. I'm also guessing I'm due for another internal check here in a bit. Oh joy...pray for dilation, y'all...

Hospital #3: Rest and Respite

2008-12-30T00:34:00.000-06:00

Last post for the evening. It's 12:40 and a little past my normal bedtime.

I'm up to 4 on the Pitocin (I started at 1) and I'm feeling good -- tolerating things well, and my pattern is good per the monitor. I'm told I'm in a holding pattern now -- unless things change of their own accord in the next 4-6 hours, they won't up the dosage. I can handle that.

So far, besides the indignity of a hospital gown and the stupidity of the hospital wifi blocking Facebook (and Pandora! Geez!) all is well. The nurses seem very nice, nobody has been in my face about much of anything (with the notable exception of Charge Nurse at the start) and I'm hoping for a quiet night. Time to break out the ambient mix and get comfy.

Plan for now? Rest, try and relax a bit, and look forward to the main event tomorrow. We got a fan in the room, so it's far less stuffy, and the white noise should help mask the machines that go *ping!*

Please continue sending your good vibes and good thoughts/prayers our way. I must be honest, this liveblog is not just a good diversion for me, it's really been a way to think through the entire process, and it has given me a good way to let out some steam. Writing is therapy for me, and reading everyone's good wishes and comments brings a smile to my face -- keeps me reminded of how blessed I am to have friends and family who care enough to keep up even in the wee hours.

More in the morning...

Hospital #2: The Big Wait Begins

2008-12-29T22:26:00.000-06:00

This:

only took two nurses, two arms, three tries, at packs on both arms, and 15 minutes of pressing and prodding to accomplish. Definitely worthy of a photo.

So the IV is in, and the big wait begins. It is 10:30 and I'm thinking I might try and get some rest, but it's pretty well impossible considering there is noise outside, I'm not really tired, and I have a feeling as soon as I fall asleep, I'll be woken up by my current nurse, who will have to take my blood pressure, as they constantly monitor you and the kiddo when you are on Pitocin.

I suppose now is as good a time as any to explain the course of treatment. Fair Warning: Medical Stuff Ahead...

Normally, when labor is induced, the docs will start with Cervadil or Cytotec, which are drugs that are placed inside the vagina in order to "ripen" the cervix, or get it ready to dilate and birth. Unfortunately for Yours Truly, these ripening agents are contra-indicated in VBAC.

(Oh -- more med term: VBAC = Vaginal Birth After Caesarian. Which is what I'm attempting to do in lieu of a repeat c-section.)

Anyway. I digress.

Right now, I am on an IV drug called Pitocin. (My mother, the one-time L&D nurse, says they used to call it 'Kickapoo Joy Juice.' I assume this is no longer the technical term.) Basically, my doc wants to stimulate contractions in order to try and get the baby's head down and against the cervix, so that I will dilate, so that I will labor and contract, and produce a baby. Overnight, this is low dosage, to establish a regular contraction pattern and see how I respond.

I've been on the IV for about 90 minutes, and so far the contractions aren't any harder than I was experiencing on my own. I take that as a good sign and a bad sign: good in that I'm tolerating things just fine...bad in that I don't know if the meds are really doing much.

The room is also warm right now. Ugh. They turned the thermostat down but it's still feeling a bit stuffy.

If I can't sleep, I'll probably surf or write or look up some stuff on the Interwebz, or maybe blog some more. I'm supremely bummed about the Facebook thing, but I suppose there's not much I can do outside of borrow my husband's blackberry to update my status. Hey wait... there's an idea...

And in other news, I keep looking over at my husband thinking he's farting, then realizing it's the IV machine hookup doing its thing. He caught me looking over at him just now, and I told him I keep thinking he's farting when it's just the machine. His response?

"I really am farting."

This is going to be a loooooooong night.

Photo Blog!

2008-12-29T20:55:00.000-06:00

Imported from birth blog.

Stuff for the hospital: pillows, backpack, Matt Nathanson tote with food/Gatorade stash, CDs and reading material.

One husband, one Nintendo DS, one husband camp-out chair.

Current vantage point. Soundtrack? Where The Light Is: Trio Set. (What else would I use to get myself in the mood to labor, I ask you?)

Comments

MommyWolf said...

Wow, I can see what I am in store for in just a couple of months! Thanks for the pic, you look really great!!!!! Good luck, smooth sailing, and I will be watching!

carroll said...

Husband with the DS in the Camp-out Chair! Too funny!! The Trio Set will get you pumped up! Those nurses won't know what hit them.

Hospital #1: Oh For...

2008-12-29T19:37:00.001-06:00

I have a serious dislike of hospitals.

Always have. Damnit, I'm not sick, I'm having a baby.

Arrived fine, in a decent mood. My husband is doing an admirable job of keeping me laughing. We had a bite at the BK across the street from the hospital parking ramp, and talked about all the things we felt differently about -- mostly that we're a bit older, a bit wiser, and generally more relaxed about this child than we were about our first. We're definitely less on edge about birth, and we're probably better equipped to handle some of the stress of a new baby. Does this make me less susceptible to PPD or any of the other crap that is the afterbirth? Probably not. Just more aware.

So now, I'm in a room in the hospital and I've been here for about 30 minutes...and I've already encountered about some of the reasons why I hate hospitals.

Nurse #1 puts us in the room. Husband makes himself comfortable on the Husband Chair and she gives me the standard "everything off, put this (hospital gown) on, blah blah blah. Cue reason #1: hospital gowns. Not only are they oh so flattering, but they remind me that I am no longer a person, I am a nameless Patient. I know it's probably stupid and overly personal, but I honestly feel dehumanized.

So I ask Nurse #1 "hey, I brought my own night shirt, do you mind?" She says "sure" with a confused look upon her face (as if this is the first time she's ever been questioned on this point) and I just explain that I'm much more comfortable that way.

Commence getting ready, then cue reason #2: pushy damned nurses. Charge Nurse walks in and goes "oh, I thought you'd be dressed." I reply "Oh, I just need to put the belly band on and I'm fine."

"Oh. Well, we're doing an IV tonight so you'll have to put a gown on..."

"Nurse #1 said this would be fine."

"She probably didn't know we were doing an IV tonight, so yeah, we do need you in a gown..."

Oh, for...

I suppose it's because they can get a gown off me with an IV in rather than having to wrestle my clothes off...despite the fact that the nightshirt I brought with me is a $15 special from Target which I could take, leave, shred or whatever. Not that I can think of a reason I'd need to be completely stripped in this situation, but whatev... Anyway.

*eyeroll*

So I'm in, and I'm hooked up to the monitor, and I've got the hospital wifi happening, which is awesome, except for the fact that Facebook is blocked. GAH! Seriously? It wasn't when I was here before, so yeah.

~~30 minutes later~~

Just spent the last bit of time getting my health history (re)taken and getting my cervix checked. Oh that's joyful! (Somehow, my doc never hurts...but all three nurses that have checked me in the last week have managed to give me a case of the serious OUCH.

And that's enough of that. IV to be inserted soon, then we're off for the Big Wait.

Comments

Hahaha! I can feel your pain...or at least remember it. Hang in there :) -- Carroll

Pre-Hospital Entry #2: Medical Bureaucracy

2008-12-29T17:05:00.001-06:00

Imported from the birth blog.

Call #1 to hospital (4:10pm): Hello, I'm a patient of Dr. R.'s. What time should I come in for my pre-induction?

Nurse: I'm not sure, the charge nurse is in a meeting. We'll call you back in about 10 minutes.

Me: No problem, here's my number.

Call #2 (4:55pm): Hello, I'm a patient of Dr. R.'s. Tried calling about 45 minutes ago and got no call back, was just following up on when I should come in?

Nurse: Charge nurse is stuck in a delivery, but if nobody calls you back in 15 minutes, call us back again. Sorry about that!

Me: No problem, here's my number, and the phone is right by my side.

At least my insurance and pre-registry info is already verified...grrrr. Part of me understands that all babies want to get borned and they don't generally inform us of their timelines, but the other part of me (the impatient one that's been grousing the last 3 weeks) is all DAMNIT. L2MULTITASK, CHARGE NURSE! WHAT, YOU CAN'T TALK ON THE PHONE AND CATCH A BABY AT THE SAME TIME??

(I know, I know. I'm off to finish packing the last of my hospital crap.)

Update: 5:01pm Charge nurse calls back. Come in around 7pm. Whee!

Comments

Thank goodness they called you back! With my second, they told me to call at 5 a.m., then they said "Sorry, no room in the inn. Call back tomorrow." I called back the next day and they said, "Still no room. We'll call you when there's room. They called two days later and said, "Can you be here in 30 minutes?" -- Carroll

This is sounding eerily familiar. But I just know that you'll be faster than I was... I mean, it's like riding a bike right? -- Bho's Mom

Just Another American Mom/Pre-Hospital Entry #1

2008-12-29T15:45:00.002-06:00

Imported from my birth blog.

On my second time around the bend. This is a one-shot blog for all my friends and family, as I attempt a liveblogging experiment for the birth of my second child.

And now...the pre-hospital entry.

I feel much better today than I have in a very long time. I slept relatively well last night and the weather was beautiful -- in the 20's with lots of sunshine. I spent some time with my six year old firstborn today, and she is very excited to become a big sister.

We went out this afternoon to get some air and replenish her crayon and marker supply at Target, then grabbed a bit of lunch at her favorite spot (and frankly, it was fine with me, I want to make sure she's okay with me leaving for a few nights).

I swore I wouldn't do it, but at the request of a friend, here is the official Last Pregnant Picture. No really, that's all me. No basketballs or anything. Just one big ready-to-be-born Bean:

Comments

You look beautiful! I hope it all goes well. I'm rootin' for ya. -- Lindasue714

Awesome!!! Thanks for posting the pic! I love prebirth pictures. The female body is so amazing. You are definitely ready to give birth! GOOD LUCK!!! -- Carroll

Oh man, shortly that baby is gonna be expatriated! -- nekomimi

I come with no lame-o advice and nothing but love for you and the little bean - kudos to you for taking that picture! Down the line you'll be glad to have it. -- Cait

Birth Blogging

2008-12-29T11:53:00.003-06:00

In a fit of geekdom and 21st century insanity, I have decided to liveblog the birth of the Bean.

As much as I can, I plan to update on progress, perhaps post a few pictures, and keep everyone updated on the arrival. If things go quiet for awhile, you can probably guess I'm either actively birthing or sleeping.

So far, the game plan goes as follows:

4pm: Call hospital; confirm arrival time.
5-7pm: Arrive at hospital, check-in, begin pre-induction treatment (likely low-dosage of Pitocin, for reasons to be explained later.)

7p-7a: Pre-induction.

7a-??: The Main Event!

Things to keep in mind:

1. This is my second child.
2. This is a planned induction.
3. I'm birthing in a hospital.
4. I'm attempting an unmedicated VBAC.
5. I may end up with a second c-section.
6. I'm not looking for advice.
7. I'm okay with everything in my plan so far, and I'm doing this for family and friends alike.

I love comments, but I will not be moderating anything, nor will I defend any decisions I've made. Explanations down the line, perhaps, but I won't change treatment decisions based upon random commentary. Please leave messages of support, and if I know who you are and we have a comfort level, then feel free to leave additional info. If this is the first time you've read my blog, I appreciate the sentiment but please limit yourself to positive vibes...as that is what I most desperately need during this endeavor.

I am fairly camera shy -- at my last birth, I declined the "moments after birth" photo and I plan to do the same here. It's just not my taste. There will be pix of the babe, tho.

Wish me luck! (And if the whole thing goes to hell and the next you hear from me is an update on New Year's with birth stats, so be it.)

And Now She Is Six

2008-12-24T22:10:00.002-06:00

Dear Girl,

Today is your sixth birthday.

I'm rather remiss this year, writing to you at 10:10pm, after the festivities are finished, after both birthday and Christmas are retired for yet another year. You are sitting on the couch right now, in your new pink penguin pajamas, playing with yet another obnoxious electronic game, the fascination of which is something you've managed to gain this year. (Streaks of your father in you, no doubt.)

Even if I could have predicted the roller-coaster ride my life would take over the last twelve months, I don't know if I would have done anything differently in being your mom. I found myself being purposeful in my actions toward you; trying my best not to take out frustration or outside hurt on you. You are as ever my bright, blonde shining star, even when it seems you don't want to hear what I have to say.

I was so excited to have you along for the ride during our summer trips this year. You were aware enough to ask questions about the things you saw in the airport and the reasons why things appeared outside your car window. You tease me about my musical obsessions, saying things like "Mommy, you love John Mayer!" And when I tell you "no, I love John Mayer's music; I love Daddy" you simply giggle and roll your eyes, a mere shadow of the teenager brewing inside and awaiting her debut in six short years.

You're halfway there, Girl. Take it easy on us for a little while, won't you?

Last year's letter could also have never predicted the fact that you will become a big sister in a little less than a week. When we told you that we would have a new baby, you found out on the same day we did. I took the fateful test, had a private conversation with your dad, and then we looked at each other and simply called you into the room. The last seven and a half months or so have been filled with questions from you, mostly to do with when the baby would come (after your birthday), whether it would be a brother or sister (sister, as evidenced by the ultrasound you got to witness in August, and I will never forget your expression and giggle as you watched the alien ballet on the screen while the technician scanned my belly), and reminders that you will be a good helper, and will remember to keep your toys off the floor.

I suppose I'll be writing another of these letters next week, and your presence in our new baby's life will be paramount. She will look up to you, and, one big sister to another, it will be your job to talk to her when she won't talk to me, as much as I hate to think either of you would ever be in that position. Until that time, my sweet Girl, enjoy your world of princesses and imagination, and be willing to share it with your sister when she asks.

Another situation I could never have fathomed was your need for speech therapy. It came upon me not long ago that some of your adorable proclivities weren't resolving themselves, and true enough, the school's analysis rang true. I believe you will grow out of it; I believe half of your issue is that you are thinking at twice the speed your mouth will move. But I also believe you are you, and you will adjust in your own time, just as you always have. You'll start the therapy when you return to school in January for the second half of Kindergarten, and you'll tackle it with aplomb, just as you swam circles around the other kids in your Level 1 swimming class this fall.

I am, as ever, inordinately proud of your growth, physically, intellectually and emotionally. This year will be another of firsts, from learning to live with a new baby, to riding your bike without training wheels, to advancing in swimming lessons and perhaps tackling a new activity (dance or basketball? Whatever you'd like, my Girl.) Sometimes you'll win, and sometimes you'll lose. You won't always be top of your class, or the best, or the most special. Learn your moments and take pride that you have done your own best. I always will.

The world is your oyster, and you are a pearl in it. Never ever doubt that; for even as imperfect as they sometimes are, they each contribute beauty and depth to the world, in their own special way.

I love you, my dear, sweet, firstborn Girl. Happy Sixth Birthday.

Love,

Mommy

Twelve Days of Christmas: Day Two

2008-12-13T23:10:00.003-06:00

I have my Constitutional Law final tomorrow afternoon, and as soon as I post this to Holidailies, I'm headed to bed. My legs feel like tree trunks, my ankles and feet look like balloons, and my head is swimming after a 10 hour study marathon. If anyone wants to give me some pointers on the analysis of substantive due process and how to identify a dormant commerce clause issue, feel free. Tomorrow after the final, we're going to do some baby shopping and then hopefully get the house slightly cleaned up in anticipation of the holidays and the impending arrival. If luck stays with us, we may have a baby before Christmas.

Today's musical selection hits me in two places. It's probably not as well known as much of the rest of the Christmas music canon, but it's fantastic in its simplicity, and has stuck with me since the first time I heard it.

First, it is a beautiful madrigal. We sung it in high school, a cappella, in womens' voice. It was part of choir and also part of the school's annual madrigal festival/dinner, which was a large part of my high school experience. I remember thinking the sentiment was lovely: it seems that the Three Wise Men weren't the only ones to visit the newborn Jesus in the manger. I like to think that a woman called upon two of her friends to bring a torch and visit the baby, reminding each other to admire, but stay quiet, so as not to disturb the quiet of His new life.

In a way, it reminds me of the old Christmas adage: if there had been Three Wise Women instead of Three Wise Men, they would have asked for directions, arrived early, brought a casserole, helped deliver the baby and cleaned up afterward.

The song is slightly more elegant in sentiment.

The second place this song hits me, especially this year, is that my good friend Jen delivered her third baby on Thursday. Baby V. is a tiny little peanut of a thing, not even 6.5 pounds. She's the spitting image of her mother, and the perfect addition to Jen's family. They are home and resting, and seem to be in fine fettle. I can't help but think that my little one will be with us shortly, and I can only hope that I come through this birth with as much grace and dignity as Jen.

Bring A Torch, Jeanette, Isabella

Hush, hush! Beautiful is the mother...
Hush, hush! Beautiful is the child...

Twelve Days Of Christmas Music (Give or Take)

2008-12-12T12:37:00.002-06:00

Okay, I need a distraction. What with all the talk of babies and finals and OB appointments, I have had very little time this year to enjoy the season. I love Christmas music, of all stripes and kinds. (Save perhaps Band Aid's "Do They Know It's Christmastime?". Seriously people. It ranks lower than the Chipmunks Christmas Album.)

We don't have the tree up, we don't have an Advent calendar for the Girl, we don't even have the house cleaned or presents wrapped. We baked a few cookies, but that's about it.

We do have music. For the next twelve or so days, I will highlight a favorite Christmas song, and where possible, post an audio or Youtube of it. Of course, I'll intersperse the usual blog blatherings (bloggerings?) of life as I know it, and of course, baby news will be included. I went to the Concordia College choir concert at Orchestra Hall last night, and let me tell you something: those Lutherans know their Christmas music. It was just enough to kick my Catholic ass into gear and embrace the season. Damnit.

First up: a modern classic. Born of a Canadian collaboration, formed from two ancient carols heard in churches the world around. Set to a funky jazz-swing beat reminiscent of Django Reinhardt's "Minor Swing." Easily one of my favorite Christmas tunes. I present the Barenaked Ladies and Sarah McLachlan, performing "God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen/We Three Kings."

Bad Mommy

2008-12-10T16:27:00.002-06:00

Did you ever have one of those can't do anything right, dropped the baby on her head, forgot to turn the coffee pot off, check engine light went on in the car, missed the due date on the credit card bill, don't want to put the Christmas tree up, terrible, horrible, no-good, very-bad days?

Welcome to today. Population me.

Today started out just as any other normal day would. Running slightly late, but got the Girl off to the bus stop just about on time, breakfasted, and dressed for the weather.

I got myself dressed and then headed off to school, to finish my outline and take my Misdemeanors final. Spent all morning in the lounge, in the zone, all things are well. Afternoon exam session started at 1:30pm, and I was done with the final around 3:40 or so. Packed up, turned in my exam to the Registrar, and was met by one of the assistant registrars.

"We got a call from Safety and Security."

This would drive fear into the heart of any student.

"It's about your daughter."

This made my heart drop to my knees.

"Apparently, today was an early release day for the schools and she got home, and got scared that nobody was there. Somehow she managed to get hold of Safety and Security, and everything's fine...they got hold of your husband, but they called over here looking for you, and we would have pulled you out of the final if something were wrong, but we wanted you to know."

It was at this point that I had one of those parental moments. Somewhere between fear, anger, neglect and self-hatred resides a monster of a different sort. This is the one that says "no, really. It was you that took a completely controllable situation and fucked it up because you've had seventeen thousand other things on your mind, not the least of which is your daughter."

Needless to say, I rushed home, and found the Boy and the Girl at the neighbor's house. We walked home and put the pieces together.

Apparently the Girl got scared when she got home and found nobody here. (I was taking my final, naturally.) As previously stated, it was an early release day, meaning she would be home two hours earlier than normal (around 2pm instead of 4pm.) Now, preface all of this by saying that she has arrived home before me on a few occasions, and she's been instructed to stay in the house and wait for me -- I am generally home within 10 minutes of her arrival and she doesn't freak out. This semester I had a class that met once a week and let out about 5-10 minutes after her bus arrived. Ironically enough, this class was the final I took today.

Moving on.

She waited about 15 minutes and when nobody came home, she apparently went outside (dressed in her coat, boots and snowpants, thank God) and got noticed by the neighbor, who promptly invited her in and got enough information out of her to call her school and get the school to call the Boy at work.

Whilst the school got hold of the Boy, the neighbor called over to campus security and got them working on finding me. (Meanwhile I'm in a sequestered exam room, with my cell phone off and my computer working offline in exam software mode, and hence, incommunicado.)

The Girl stayed at the neighbor's until the Boy got home. I got out of my exam, got the news and immediately took off for home as quickly as I could waddle.

When all was said and done, we are very lucky nothing happened. Lucky that the neighbor was home, lucky that the Girl had the wherewithal to know that the neighbor was a safe place to go, lucky the Boy wasn't out of town on business, lucky that the school got hold of him right away.

I am still waiting for the lump in my throat to go away, for the guilt at not having looked closely at the school calendar to subside. My hands are literally shaking, and I could care less about how I did on the stupid final. The Girl is no worse for the wear, apparently. The Boy and I are about as wrecked as two parents could be.

We now have the name and number of the neighbor. We're going to type up a laminated card for the bottom of her backpack with all of our info as well as campus info for me. And we're going to get her a pay as you go cell phone which has numbers programmed into it, and we'll teach her to use it so she can call one of us directly if something like this happens again.

I'm also going to teach her how to walk to the law building and to the safety and security office so she knows where to go to find me or find help.

And next semester, I'm getting extra copies of the school calendar to post in every room, computer, calendar, Outlook, alarm and cell phone in the house. This will NOT happen again.

The horrid part of it is that this could have been prevented. I should have been more mindful, I should have checked the calendar, I should have done ten other easy things to make sure she was cared for. The exam I took today was self-scheduled. It would have easily kept until tomorrow morning. Or next week.

I keep thinking about how she could have gotten picked up by a stranger or run over by a car, or hundreds of other horrible things that you hear on CNN... I keep picturing her little body at the bottom of a ditch, or frozen or frostbitten or worse, simply gone and vanished into thin air. I hear Amber Alerts all the time for kids, and every time I hear one I pray to God that child returns home, and I thank God that it's not my Girl.

It may seem blown out of proportion, especially to the non-parents who read this, but when you're one step away from shoulda-coulda-woulda, and it's your child's safety on the line, I dare you to feel otherwise.

I'm fairly well wrecked right now...and things will be better in the morning. I doubt it will stop me from waking up every couple of hours tonight, just to check that she's still asleep in her bed, safe from the cold cruel world for at least one more night.

ZOMG

2008-12-09T22:54:00.002-06:00

I had an ultrasound today. At this point I was supposedly 35 weeks.

The baby is measuring around 8 pounds and according to the tech, my first-week-of-January due date has been revised to "sometime before Christmas."

Okay, I knew the kid would come early but this? Is insane. We don't have a name finalized. We don't have a carseat installed, or Christmas shopping completed, or the crib assembled, or baby laundry done, or any of the other seventy zillion things I was supposed to get done between finals and babytime.

I have finals until the 20th. I just need to last until then.

Just until then.

On His Own

2008-12-07T01:21:00.004-06:00

You'll indulge me a fangirl moment.

Tonight, John played an amazing solo set lasting two hours. Without benefit of a backing band, relief, or anything other than a drum machine, a set of loop pedals and his own guts and wits, he filled the Nokia Theatre in L.A.

The show was livestreamed on his website as well, and since I am great with child and had neither time nor funds to go to L.A. for the real show, I sufficed by listening in and chatting with a bunch of other fanfreaks on teh Webz.

He never ceases to astound me.

Five Grammy nods in a year without a new studio album.

A tour without a new project to support, which came off beautifully and gave the fans something to talk about.

Now this.

Honestly, I don't know where he gets it.

Toward the end of the show, he told a story of when he traveled alone in Japan from Tokyo to Kyoto, and how coming up ten yen short meant he had to give the snack cart lady his peanuts back. It was one of his most humbling moments, because she didn't speak much English, and he doesn't speak much Japanese. In that moment he was just another guy, another gaijin who was ten yen down for a complete lunch. It didn't matter that he was rich or famous or anything. He was ten yen down, and he had to give back the peanuts just like anyone else.

I suppose it's not something I think about much, because I tend to live a rather humble life anyway (for a middle-class American, at least). It's not hard for me to remember that I am, as the song says, everyday people. I think regardless of how much money I might earn or how extravagant my lifestyle has the potential to become, I'll remember that one of these days, I'll still be just another woman who is ten yen short, and maybe I too will have to give back the bag of peanuts.

I hope so, anyway.

Thanks for an awesome concert, John. Happy Holidays!

Gay Marriages Will Save The Economy!!

2008-12-06T08:00:00.002-06:00

(At least, according to Marc Shaiman. Transcript follows below.)

I think this is quite possibly one of the most brilliant and relevant pieces of satire I've ever seen in my life. Besides, it's not everyday you get Jack Black as Jesus Christ.

See more Jack Black videos at Funny or Die

It’s a brand-new bright Obama day!
What a time to be black, a girl or gay!
No, nothing could go wrong, so join us in this song
Of happy days for the gays, nothing can go wrong!

Look nobody’s watching, it’s time to spread some hate
And put it the constitution
Now, how?
Proposition 8!

(Proposition 8!)
Great!

People listen to our plea
They’ll teach kids about sodomy!
(Sodomy!)

That wasn’t right, that’s a lie
But it worked so we don’t care!

Now you wish we’d all shut up
But make our clothes and fix our hair

And our love is not a sin!
Well, the Bible says it’s so!

Well, the Bible says a lot of things, you know?
(gasp) JESUS CHRIST!

Hey, how’s it goin’?

Jesus, doesn’t the Bible say these people are an abomination?
(Obama-nation?)

Yeah, but it says the exact same thing about this shrimp cocktail!
(mmmm, shrimp cocktail!)
Uh-uh-uh! Leviticus says shellfish is an abomination!
(Obama-nation!)

What else does the Bible say, Jesus?

(laughing)…The Bible says a LOT of interesting things…
Like you can stone your wife or sell your daughter into slavery
Well we ignore those verses!
Well then friend it seems to me you pick and choose
(We pick and choose!)
Well please choose love instead of hate!
Besides your nation
Was built on separation of church and state!

(See you later, sinners!)
(Bye, Jesus! Bye! We love you! I love you, Jesus!)

You know, here’s another thought to wrap things up…

Oh, every time a gay or lesbian finds love at the parade,
There’s money to be made! (He’s right!)

It’s time two grooms say “paint that wedding hall, and lavender’s the shade!”
There’s money to be made! (He has a point!)

Think of all the carriages and four white horses
There’s millions lost from all your disapproving (well that’s not good!)
Think of all the lawyers for the gay divorces,
Think of the tattoo removing!

We get it now! We’ve been such fools!

I can see America’s calling me!
Yes, gay marriages will save the economy!

Crossing A Threshold

2008-12-05T09:36:00.003-06:00

Once again, it's Holidailies time!

Hello, my name is Kate.

(Hi, Kate.)

I haven't decided whether I will just do the daily prompts on the Holidailies site, or if I'll branch off on my own. I hope to accomplish 20-25 posts this year, and considering the month I have before me, that will be a fair task. Today's prompt is to introduce myself.

It's funny how such a menial task can encompass so many things. I could tell you that I'm a law student, or a massive John Mayer fan, or a wife or a mother, but you can find those things out on my blog layout.

I could tell you some of my deepest, darkest secrets, but this is a public blog, and I honestly don't think anything in my life is that deep, dark or exciting.

I could share my family drama (of which there is plenty, and more coming down the road) but I'm not ready to discuss the latest dirt just yet.

So I'll simply say this: I crossed a threshold yesterday at the OB's office...one which I didn't think I'd ever see in my lifetime. One that I am not proud of, that being 35 weeks pregnant does not assuage. It scares me. It has to do with my weight, and I'm having a hard time processing the fact. I weigh twice what some of the women in my law class weigh, and yes, I am currently housing two people, but the other person is about 2.5% of my current weight.

This is not encouraging.

The good news is that I'm fundamentally healthy, my blood pressure continues to astound my doctor (118/68 yesterday, thankyouverymuch) and all signs point to a healthy delivery at the end of this month.

Until then, I have five finals to study for, a Christmas to celebrate, a Girl who will turn six and a Boy who has the patience of a saint when I climb into bed at night. (No really. It takes me a good 3 minutes to get everything arranged properly and get comfortable. If you've ever been pregnant, you can relate.

If you get anything out of this post, it's that I am like the fly on the proverbial windshield -- this blog is me all over, and I am who I am. I hope you enjoy visiting my world for a little while, and please feel free to introduce yourself in my comments.

Why I Don't Shop At Wal-Mart

2008-12-03T09:48:00.003-06:00

There are a number of reasons why I have not set foot in a Wal-Mart or Sam's Club in well over a year. Even before that, I was never a true-red Wal-Mart shopper. The last time I actively chose Wal-Mart over Target or another discount superstore was probably college. Why? The Wal-Mart in my college town was a brand-new SuperCenter, with a grocery store and a McDonald's inside. It had a car repair shop and was open 24 hours. It worked perfectly for my college student lifestyle, and yes, my budget.

When I did my student teaching, Wal-Mart was out of the way. Instead, I shopped at Albertson's -- originators of fresh warm bread at 4pm, and home to a few of the gourmet items I loved to indulge in on occasion. It helped that my roommate was East Indian and preferred the ethnic food aisle at Albertson's for her basmati rice.

Around this time, Target opened a store in my hometown. It too was new, exciting and had lots of cool stuff at roughly the same prices as Wal-Mart. And it was closer to my house. Stamp a red target on my forehead, I had found my store.

Then I got pregnant. And the boy lost his job.

Even the slight price differences in diapers and formula added up, and I reverted to Wal-Mart out of necessity of feeding and diapering the Girl. When our financial situation rectified itself, I once again turned to Target for my discount store needs, only going to Wal-Mart when I needed things like craft supplies (Target does not have a fabric department, and our town did not have a Hobby Lobby or Michael's at the time.)

Now, it's simply easier to go to Target. I live in the land of Target. Target HQ is down the Interstate a country piece from my house. We have two Targets in spitting distance from me. Everywhere you look, Target. SuperTarget. Target Greatland.

There is one Wal-Mart that I know of. It's about 1/3 mile from the SuperTarget I frequent the most. It's a sad, sad little store - old, no grocery, barely a lawn & garden section (though what would you expect in an urban environment like the Twin Cities?) and really run down. The lighting is bad and they have security in the parking lot 24/7. It creeps me out.

The reasons run deeper though, and primarily this: I am in a position in life where I can choose where to source my food and goods. If I can afford 50 cents more for 1 oz less of shampoo, knowing that the deal was fairly struck and not coerced, I'll do it. If I know that the company doesn't abhor unions to the point of closing stores to avoid them, I'll support it. If the company pays a decent wage, does not engage in unfair tactics, or encourage its "part-time staff" to work 35 hours (no more, no less) and gives them lessons on how to apply for public Medicaid, then I'll give them my money.

Bottom line: Wal-Mart treats its employees poorly in pay and perqs, runs roughshod over manufacturers who can't afford NOT to have a distribution contract with Wal-Mart, sets its own prices, labeling and sizes (oh yeah. "Comparison shopping" is impossible: Wal-Mart won't lower a price because the sizes aren't exact. Check it out sometime: go find a bottle of Johnson's baby shampoo at Wal-Mart. Then find the same SIZE bottle at Target. Can't be done.), and kills off Mom and Pop shops. (They are dying anyway -- Wal-Mart is basically euthanasia for ailing businesses.)

It's easy for me not to shop there. I have a plethora of other options, most of which I take full advantage. But even if I didn't, I'd source them out and attempt to avoid Wal-Mart as best I could. I'm very proud to say that the Boy and I will not be having a Wal-Mart Christmas -- nothing under our tree or that we give to others will come from Wal-Mart. I don't care if I'm just another customer to Wal-Mart. My $300 per month household budget doesn't matter to them, but it matters to me, and until I spend it, I control it.

Truth is, they don't care much about any of the people who shop or work there. And that's what bothers me the most.

Holidailies/World AIDS Day 2008

2008-12-01T18:04:00.003-06:00

So I signed up for Holidailies again, and this year they are starting late -- Friday, to be exact. I'm hoping I can get a few entries in between now and then so I can get into the swing of things.

Today is World Aids Day, and I still feel the same way as I did last year. Things are still bleak in Africa, despite strides to help, and the problem isn't so much that we don't want to or don't have the money; it's that the help has no way to get to the people who need it most. Here at home, gay men are still the most at-risk population for new infection, and yet, we refuse to give them the right to commit to healthy, monogamous relationships in the eyes of the state.

I feel slightly more hopeful because we have a new President who will be inaugurated a few short weeks after I give birth, and with that change comes hope.

I still plan to give this year, I wore my red ribbon and a red shirt today in solidarity. I hope one day that it's in celebration of the defeat of the disease.

Remember. Fight. Love.

Grateful

2008-11-27T13:34:00.012-06:00

I give grateful thanks for the following things:

A healthy babe.

A beautiful Girl.

The most fantastic Boy on the planet.

Family, forever and always.

Friends new and old.

The gift of education.

And the countless blessings which I enjoy on a daily basis. Make no mistake, I am a richly blessed woman. Happy Thanksgiving to all, and may you all have as much to give thanks for as I.

"Lord, for the erring thought
Not into evil wrought:
Lord, for the wicked will
Betrayed and baffled still;
For the heart from itself kept,
Our thanksgiving accept."

-- William Dean Howells

Funk

2008-11-23T18:05:00.002-06:00

I came home today in a general funk. I am just so ready for this semester, and this pregnancy, and the holidays and everything to be OVER. Third trimester malaise has set in and I'm snapping at everyone, my mobility is limited and I barely feel like anything will get done in the next few weeks.

I keep thinking about January, and a new semester, with classes that are demanding but of my own choosing, and a new baby, and the ability to walk. For once I'm actually looking forward to getting a new year started, and I'm confident that I've worked my ass off in school enough to survive this semester and then some.

I've worked my ass off on myself as well; it seems like a lot of things have changed over the last year. 2008 was a year of change, for certain. I am not the same person I was on the first day of law school, and for me, that's a good thing.

Classes are over, save for one last make-up session for Con Law and one last class for Misdemeanors.

I have my Negotiation take-home in hand, and while it looks like it's going to be a fair amount of work, my goal is to have it done by the end of Thanksgiving weekend. I don't want to have to think about it too much after that.

Study goals for the remainder of the semester (more for me than you, sorry if this bores you...)

This week:

Mon-Weds (11/24-11/26):
* Outline Negotiation take home
* Do Family Law outline
* Start Misdemeanors outline

Thurs-Sun (11/27-11/30):
* Write Negotiation take-home
* Finish outside reading for Property (Shadow Cities). Begin thinking/outlining for open book final.

Next Three Weeks:
Mon-Tues (12/1-12/2):
* Read last Con Law assignment; begin overview of outline/case studies.
* Finish Misdemeanors outline; meet with prof.
* Finish Family Law outline; write sample exam answers.

Weds-Fri (12/3-12/5):
* Meet with Family Law prof/possibly ASP tutor.
* Review Con Law, continue outline and sample case studies
* Last Misdemeanors class; review tests.
* If done, turn in Negotiation final and journal.

Sat 12/6:
* Last Con Law session. Study session PM to consist of outlining, case studies and finishing up Con Law prep.

Sun 12/7:
* Finish Negotiation if necessary.
* Study for Misdemeanors

Mon 12/8:
* Turn in Negotiation if not already done
* Study AM for Misdemeanors
* PM Self-scheduled exam: Misdemeanors

Tues-Weds 12/9-12/10:
* Study Family Law

Thurs 12/11
* AM: Finish Family Law prep
* PM: Self-scheduled exam: Family Law

Fri-Sat 12/12-12/13
* Review/markup Property outside reading and outline
* Prep for final

Sun 12/14:
*AM: Finish Property Prep
*PM: Property Final (scheduled)

Mon 12/15: OFF

Tues-Fri 12/16-12/19:
*Con Law Prep

Sat 12/20:
*AM: Sleep in
*PM: Con Law Final (scheduled)

I'm also planning to do Holidailies again, and hopefully the Bean will cooperate and maybe give me a really cool blog entry around the 28th or so. Somewhere in the middle of all this I still have to pick out a hospital and go to the OB and and and and...

(breathe, Kate.)

Even Flow

2008-11-17T22:36:00.002-06:00

Alright, I'm two days shy of a month in neglecting my poor little blog. Let me explain.

No. Too much. Let me sum up.

Study, study, study. Score 26/30 on Property quiz. Leap for joy at successfully challenging known right answer, score raises to 27/30, leap further for joy at scoring 90% on something in law school. Quite the feat considering my current gestational level.

More studying.

Halloween.

More studying.

OB appointments. Bean still growing. Lurking pain in inner thighs and crotch drives doc to give me an internal, followed by peeing in a cup. Lab monkeys have fun at my expense, ten day course of antibiotics.

Pain between legs persists.

More studying.

All-nighter to finish family law paper, topic of which will likely cost me 20+ poll points and my first election due to lack of commitment to 'family values', despite the paper being written from a purely academic point of view.

More studying.

Change of season forces change of shoes from Crocs to very loosely laced Adidas. No other shoes fit. Stupid swollen feet. Looking forward to post partum, if for no other reason than I'm sick of wearing two pair of shoes.

Fall conferences for the girl results in possible referral to speech therapy. Fast and furious emails to friend from undergrad who is a speech-language pathologist.

Negotiations regarding Thanksgiving dinner ongoing. The Boy insists that he will cook dinner this year due to my lack of energy and/or willingness to be in the kitchen all day. Still contemplating pre-notification of insurance company, landlord and fire department.

New phone! Joined the mobile digital age with a new Palm Centro (in spiffy red color) that has unlimited data, text and enough minutes to get me through. Also? a phone, a video cam, and the world's smallest QWERTY keyboard. The phone signals the shedding of the last vestiges of our old home, as it carries with it a Minnesota phone number.

I can't believe Thanksgiving is next week, finals are in three, and baby's due in six. Where the heck did the time go??

If the baby is due in six weeks, then that means I get to start training in about eight to ten (lightly, lightly...). Pearl Jam's "Even Flow" came on Pandora tonight, and I was reminded that it is the first song on my "Run Like A Maniac" playlist. As someone who can barely walk right now, much less run or do anything athletic, the song is a good reminder of what I will be able to accomplish once I give birth. What I have accomplished in the past, and what can be accomplished next year.

Yes. I will do this.

Results

2008-10-19T12:23:00.003-05:00

Quickly, so I don't forget: I passed my glucose challenge, my blood sugar score was 110, and I'm told anything under 120 in a pregnant woman is right on the money, so I'm pretty much in the clear in terms of gestational diabetes. Woo!

They may do a fasting blood sugar again in 4 weeks just to make sure, but I'm feeling like this is just one more piece of good news.

And now, I'm back to my regularly scheduled Sunday programming: more of the same, enjoying fall break and doing the last of my wash. Yeah...rethinking that decision to buy only one pair of maternity jeans...

Too Much Spongebob, or How I Spent John Mayer's 31st Birthday

2008-10-16T22:30:00.002-05:00

The Girl has a four-day weekend starting today, and I have no school this weekend! Full of win.

I had a doctor's appointment today. Officially, I'm 28 weeks, and in my third trimester. This pregnancy has flown -- on one hand I feel like I've been pregnant forever, but on the other hand, the past 28 weeks or so have been some of the best of my life. I'm in such a good place right now... school is (mostly) under control, the Girl is thriving in Kindergarten, I'm healthy, and I've dealt with so much crap in the last year that I think it's time to take some time for myself and sit back and enjoy.

Yes, this time of year is rough on me. I have had so many bad things happen during the cycle of Libra, which is really strange considering it is normally a time of balance. Perhaps I'm supposed to get my bad out now, in order to balance the good and Awesome that happened this summer? Karma can be a bitch, if you believe in her I guess.

Anyway, I plan to do some school work this weekend, but I also plan to camp out with the girl, watch too much damned Spongebob, bake some banana bread and catch up on laundry, and generally chill.

Today, we did just that. Except the part where we went to the OB's office. The Girl was thrilled -- she's beyond excited for this new baby and she loved the idea that she could go and hear the baby's heartbeat. I also had to take my glucose challenge test, which should frankly be against the law for its grossness and disgust. (Come in early after fasting 3+ hours, drink 5 oz of nasty flat cola soda without bubbles, go see the OB, come back, get blood drawn and pee in a cup, await result.)

The idea is to see if you have either developed or have the possibility to develop gestational diabetes, which can be bad bad bad if undiagnosed. Ironically enough, I purposely scheduled this appointment on the 16th, because I knew I wouldn't forget it if it was on JM's birthday. Such is the life of a fangirl.

In case anyone's interested, the appointment by the numbers:

Fetal HR: 150 (rock steady at this rate since we first caught it. This kid is nothing if not consistent).
Fundal Height: 32cm (appx 3-4 weeks ahead, again consistent)
BP: 130/65 (top number high most likely because the lab monkeys had their heads up their asses, and it got me riled up)
Weight: +3 since last appt, +10 total pregnancy.

In other news, looks like JM is back with his last girlfriend. I actually think they are pretty good together...they just have to work out a timeline that's good for both of them. I really hope if they decide to have kids together they decide to move someplace quiet -- this latest brouhaha with the police escort in front of his house is just too much to put a kid through. I also hope her ego is strong enough to handle living somewhere like NYC or another place where nobody cares who they are. I do wonder if her ego is feeding some of the crap, but I don't know her personally. He seems to have no problems slipping back and forth between the public and the private, and it's nice to go a few weeks without seeing a picture of him at dinner. I love it when he gets a week of positive publicity for spending time teaching class and mentoring music students at Berklee. If I had a birthday wish for JM this year, it would be to be happy and be in love, but make it all about the music.

Happy Birthday, John.

When I'm Sixty-Four

2008-10-09T12:30:00.002-05:00

When I get older, losing my hair
Many years from now
Will you still be sending me a valentine, birthday greetings, bottle of wine?
If I'd been out till quarter to three, would you lock the door?
Will you still need me, will you still feed me,
When I'm sixty-four?

"When I'm Sixty-Four"The Beatles

I need to call my mother-in-law. She's 64 today. Funny how you mark time in another person's age: I remember how old she is by thinking about the fact that they boy and I had our first date the day before her 50th birthday in 1994. Therefore, she was born in 1944. Therefore, I can calculate her age based on the current year. Sound convoluted? Perhaps. It's one more example of my addled thought process.

She really is a blessing in my life. Perhaps the fact that we met when I was so young solidified her standing with me -- when my own mom wasn't someone I wanted to talk to about something, my mother-in-law was always one for a cup of tea and a good chat. It's still one of the first things we do whenever we get together: amazing how much is cured and talked over and accomplished with some face time and freshly brewed chamomile. I nearly always send email to her with the salutation "Dear Favorite MIL" -- it's a bit tongue in cheek but it's true. So many of my friends drew the short ends of the stick when it came to their mothers-in-law: whether it was a clash of personality or a different family's way of doing things, it can be an inevitably difficult relationship.

I have the best of both worlds: a mom who is awesome, and a mother in law who is awesome too.

Happy Birthday, Favorite MIL. I hope I can be all you are when I'm sixty-four.

In Due Time

2008-10-07T09:33:00.002-05:00

"How wonderful!"
"You look great!"
"When are you due?"

It's that last question that bugs me. Let me clarify. It's when people don't accept my answer to that last question that bugs me.

When someone asks me when I am due, my standard reply is "this winter, likely around the New Year." The reply is generally, "oh, do you have an actual date?"

Yes. Yes I do. Somewhere in the deep recesses of my chart at the OB's office, calculated by a combination of a magic wheel with a pharmaceutical logo on it and a dating ultrasound done in June, there is a Date. A specific Date by which, it seems, everyone must live or die. A date that was plucked out of the air by the use of my self-reported last menstrual period date (LMP for short, and highly dubious, as I hardly paid attention to my cycles during April and May of last year -- finals, you know), plugged into the magic wheel, and presto! The Date.

The Date was confirmed (roughly) by the ultrasound, which measured the Bean against what I must imagine are actuarial tables and normative values, plugged into the scanner's hard drive by some code monkey at GE Medical Systems. Measure here, plot there, compare to chart, presto! You are X weeks along, and your Date is Y.

However, in my usual manner, I am being recalcitrant and stubbornly refuse to acknowledge said date. Why? Because I had a number of dates with the Girl, none of which coincided with her actual birthday. All of which were fairly inaccurate. And that got me thinking.

For hundreds of years, woman has expected her child based on nature cycles, moon cycles, old wives' tales, and a general communal knowledge. Women could look at other women, and just know. Before doctors, midwives would anticipate gestational age by "quickening" and maternal feelings, as well as outward signals -- a change in skin condition, hair color, and the obvious swell of abdomen. Perhaps a prairie woman would say she was due "after harvest." A Native woman might count lunar cycles and say "around the time of the Wolf Moon."

In other words, the baby will come when the baby comes.

Of course, I balance this outlook with one of modern practicality: had we continued to wait upon the girl to decide to be born, there could have been massive ramifications for both of us. In my mind though, the flexible attitude regarding the Bean's birth actually bodes well in that aspect. I'm more apt not to cling to a particular date, and I'm also more aware of what my body does when it grows babies. If I go a couple weeks early, or if I wait it out a little while, it's all good.

This little Bean knows when she's supposed to be born, and she'll let me know. It'll be around the turn of the new year.

My First Blogiversary

2008-09-30T09:11:00.002-05:00

A year ago today, on a Sunday afternoon in the student lounge, mostly on a whim, I started this blog. I was sitting roughly where I am now (back table near the SBA office), and wondering if the third time would really be the charm.

I'll have to get back to you on that. So far, so good.

This year has been a rollercoaster. I doubt that many people survive their first year of law school without describing it that way.

When we moved here, I had no idea what the hell I was doing. Sure, I knew law school would be tough, that it would break me down intellectually and reshape my thinking, that it would be wonderful and horrible and the hardest academic work I'd ever done in my life, and that I would probably hate it (because everybody does) and love it (because everybody does) all at the same time.

All of the above is true. Plus more:

I found out that my gut instinct regarding friends was absolutely true. The five people I consider my closest friends are funny, amazing, joyous, bawdy, and in the exact same boat as I am. We've done everything together this past year, from studying to drinking, to boating on the river, to the State Fair, to celebrating landmarks.

I found out that school broke me down mentally as well as intellectually. I was broken my first semester, and it almost cost me everything. My grades suffered, I was depressed, and though I put on a good front for both myself and my friends, I knew deep down that it was as close to the edge as I ever wanted to be, and there was a strong wind blowing which could knock me over without warning. Thank God I figured out how to send up smoke signals and get the help I needed. Lord knows where I'd be without it.

I found out that my body *still* does not react well to changing birth control methods. The last time I did that was around six years ago, and the result of that change now rides a yellow school bus to kindergarten every day. I'll meet the result of this last change sometime after finals, and hopefully before New Year's.

I found out that a Summer of Awesome is just the remedy for a first year like mine.

I found out that things aren't always the way they seem.

I found out that I should give my husband more credit where it's due.

I found out that Craigslist is the ONLY way to go to sell a used car.

Mostly I found out that I'm the only one who can light a fire under my own ass, and it's got to be constantly tended and stoked if I want to accomplish anything.

Here's what I wrote last year, and I think it's apropos that I update it.

I'm a first year law student, or "1L." I live in the Twin Cities area of Minnesota. I recently relocated here from another part of the Midwest, specifically to attend law school.

I am now a 2L, still living in the Twin Cities. It's looking more and more like we'll settle here after graduation. I'm okay with that.

I'm a wife. Happily married to my high school sweetheart, going on 8 1/2 years. To say it's been unadulterated bliss would be a big ass lie- no marriage is perfect. However, we love each other, we communicate, and we are very happy. He provides, he's a great father, he's my best friend. I can't imagine my life without him.

Still true. Our tenth (!) anniversary is next May. We'll have two kids, half a legal education and an amazing ride under our belts by then, and I hope like hell we're aging like good whiskey.

I'm a mother. We have a beautiful blonde-haired, blue-eyed, sassy-mouthed, loud-laughing, fast-running, ticklish-tummied, soon-to-be-five-year-old daughter. She puts the color inside of our world.

The Girl is now nearly six, and a kindergartener. She's looking forward to being a big sister to V2.0 come winter.

I'm a huge John Mayer fan...you may find my posts sprinkled with lyrics and references to JM and his various influences...and I make no apologies.

This year I got to meet John in person, and I saw him in concert five times this summer. I still make no apologies.

I am a triathlete. I am heading into my third season, and hopefully can talk a little about that. I am seriously hoping that I can fit some training time into my schedule.

If you see a very pregnant woman in a trisuit at the campus pool, that's me. I had to put my season on hold this year and I am looking forward to getting back into the groove this coming spring. I also hope the exercise-induced endorphins will help get me over the post-partum depression I fear might set in.

As of right now, life is good. The rock candy has melted...only diamonds now remain. I need to remember that.

No, I'm not the same girl I used to be lately -- see, you met me at an interesting time. I'm still on the lookout for clarity, but if this year has taught me anything, it's to be even more vigilant against gravity.

I don't know how many people actually read my blog, but for those of you that do, thanks.

The First of Autumn

2008-09-25T14:03:00.006-05:00

I noticed the first change of leaves two days ago, as I sat on the corner awaiting the girl's school bus to arrive. I often watch her, in her enthusiasm, bound off the bus and run across the street, legs pumping and blonde hair flying in the wind, reflecting the sun. Being five and a half must be a tough gig for a five and a half year old, but the only thing I see in her is innocence and curiosity.

It took me a minute to realize that it was the first day of fall, and I was reminded of my friend K., who took his own life when I was pregnant with the girl, right around this time of year six years ago. I'd seen him a few weeks before his death, and though I knew of his depression and manic episodes, and knew he had ups and downs, the last time I saw him, he was happy and smiling, and gave me a huge hug and congratulated me on the impending arrival of the girl. As it turns out, he was happy because he, like most suicidal people, had a plan and a way out. He was happy because he had made his decision and felt inner peace.

K. hung himself on the last day of summer, before the sun could rise on autumn, before he had to see the leaves change and wither and die, before the snow flew and the air froze and he had to live through another winter of seasonal affective disorder, which I'm told (but never knew personally) exacerbated his depression and kicked his mania into overdrive.

The timing of his death coincided with the anniversary of my grandmother's death as well. She died relatively young (age 66) after an extraordinarily rough life and a case of hepatitis, contracted at the hospital where she worked in the 1960's and '70's, which basically destroyed her liver. I was sixteen when she died and I think I still harbor resentment at my mother's choice to hide the extent of her illness from me. It was a shock when she died, as she was not only my favorite grandparent, she was also the first of my grandparents to die, and the first death I'd ever truly experienced firsthand.

Perhaps that is why I'm so attuned to the change of seasons. This year in particular because I can't help but relive the loss I experienced in the wake of the girl's impending arrival. I mark time in her face and growth. I listen to her voice and watch her eyes sparkle, and I hope like crazy she stays small for just a little longer. It's a joyful thing to raise a child, but nothing else makes you fly headfirst into the wall of your own mortality.

As I sat at the bus stop, and looked into the breeze, I reveled in the movement of the air, and felt warmth. I wonder why the earth takes so long to go dormant, and then in one moment, revive and turn green again. The most beautiful time of the year signifies the end of active growth and a slow retreat into hibernation. It was one of those unexpected moments of reflection and solitude. God gives us life, and retreat, and hibernation, and renewal, and the fleeting moment should be captured, cherished, and I suppose, ultimately released. In that moment, I felt actual loss. The end of summer is upon us, and so many things come to pass when another summer is done.

I breathe the mist
Floating about the stars
I can caress with velvet hands
I breathe the mist
Floating within without
This pen between my fingers

Messiah
I know you are there
Within without me holding me
Messiah
I know you are there
Catching carrying this beautiful mess

Escape the pain
Within a room somewhere
Escape the pain
So deep inside the soul
I have no key
No map to find
-- "Within A Room Somewhere" Sixpence None The Richer

Sunday Night

2008-09-21T20:03:00.003-05:00

It's Sunday night, and I'm feeling rather peaceful.

The girl is bathed and fed, and is now watching her umpteenth episode of Spongebob whilst happily munching on blueberries, a substitute for a third (!!) piece of pizza or MOAR DUNKERS, MOM.

We ordered pizza for dinner. The kitchen is now clean, and I rearranged the pantry, which was reaching crisis point for disorganization. For some reason the shelves like to throw up of their own volition and things end up on the floor in there, to be discovered months later when one is searching for the reusable bags in an effort to be environmentally responsible at the grocery store.

We went to a very fancy party last night, a grown-ups only affair in honor of Jon and Julia's engagement. It was a lovely time, and I had the chance to do up my hairs and put on a sparkly frock and peep-toe heels. I actually wore makeup, for the first time in about a year (I think.)

The girl stayed at a friend's house from school, and said friend has a lovely little girl, around nine months old. Apparently the girl got a taste of what life would be like when 2.0 goes from theoretical probability to actual, real life baby. I have a feeling we'll have a rude awakening. On the plus side, my friend said that the girl was awesome and very cute.

If I can get ahead on Family Law and Con Law, I plan to volunteer for Obama on Tuesday night. Other highlights for this week: Robin Williams in concert on Thursday, and a shrimp boil on Saturday night with the boy's coworkers.

Six weeks into school and the novelty's definitely worn off. I need (NEED)to get my binders reorganized, and start getting ready to outline. We have a Property midterm in two weeks and I haven't even thought of it. On top of which, a Family Law paper... and yeah...then there's this impending thing that keeps kicking me in the innards and reminding me that this is supposed to be the easy semester.

And for those interested...the OB stats from last week's 24(?) week appointment:

BP: 117/70
Fetal HR: 150
Fundal Height: 27
Maternal Weight: +5 (+4 overall during pregnancy)

Glucose challenge at my next visit...oh the joy of drinking flat orange soda and then giving vials upon vials of blood... the lab monkeys will just LURVVE me...

Enough To Be On Your Way

2008-09-17T09:35:00.003-05:00

Oh, it's enough to be on your way
It's enough just to cover ground
It's enough to be movin' on
Home, better build it behind your eyes
Carry it in your heart
Safe among your own

-- Enough To Be On Your Way, James Taylor

I just wanted to remember this.

Swollen

2008-09-14T22:14:00.002-05:00

My belly is swollen.

My feet are swollen, and have been since 9:30 this morning. My internal thermostat is also off -- I'll be freezing, then sweating, then freezing, then fine, but warm to the touch.

My hands are also starting to swell.

I am going to take a cool shower and then get a good night's sleep, and in the morning if I'm not un-swollen, I'm going to go to student health and have my blood pressure checked, and if it's high, I'm going to call my OB. I have an appointment on Thursday anyway but I generally trust my gut when it comes to my health. Since I'm so rarely sick, I know when I feel this way I should pay attention, especially since pregnancy brings its own set of weirdnesses -- what is one day a freak occurrence can turn into something serious very quickly. Granted, I've done this before, and I'm probably more laid back than a lot of other people about it, but like I said, gut reaction.

I am planning to clean up my eating a bit more in the next few months -- laying off the soda and sodium, caffeine and chocolate. I figure if I can lay a little groundwork now, I can hit the ground running, swimming, and biking after the baby is born. We've already got the strollers purchased (yes, plural -- I have my jog stroller from the girl, and we just bought a pram for the first six months), and I also have YakTrax for my shoes, so going for a stroll on "warmer" winter days will be doable. I also need to figure out how to get back into the pool - I can walk or do the elliptical with the bouncy seat or stroller next to me. The search for a sitter is on!

I will compete next year, and with any luck, better than ever. I want to break 1:50 at Danskin, and I want to do an Olympic. Sooz challenged me to a half Ironman, but I can't fathom that, even in the best of circumstances next year. I think I'd be satisfied with running a half mary at the end of next season, then ramping up to a half sometime next season.

I want my kids to be proud of me, and I want to set an example. I want to be able to write a story like this. More than that, I want to do this for myself. Because any other excuse isn't enough. It's not about a number on the scale, it's about my performance and training and knowing that I can *maybe* look in the mirror and be okay with what I see.

Seven

2008-09-11T09:04:00.002-05:00

I know where I was.

Do you?

I know what I wore that day.

Do you?

I remember how I found out.

Do you?

I remember what I did.

Do you?

They say that every seven years, the body is renewed. All of our cells are replaced, all of our stores are replenished. On a cellular level, we are not the same person we were seven years prior. It's part of the aging process. It's why we look so different when we look back at old pictures and go "wow...we were really young back then."

I'm not the same person I was that morning. My hair is longer, my soul is older, and I have images and people and souls that haunt me each year on this day. I am not a New Yorker, I am not a Washingtonian. I am a Pennsylvanian by birth, but I have no ties to that rural Somerset county field.

Today, though, every year, I am a New Yorker, a Washingtonian, a Pennsylvanian. An American. I'm not the same person I was that beautiful late summer morning, which dawned with promise and ended in heartache.

Are you?

Changes

2008-09-09T10:08:00.002-05:00

Who'd have guessed I'd learn to let the walls around me burn
Light up the hillside
My words, I ate them for so long and nothing changed...it was just the same
And I don't know if you see me here, but I can tell you your face is clear
I will see you...

Forever, forever
I will see you...forever, forever

I wanted you to be everything to me, now I've got to learn to carry on
I know I cannot hide this emptiness inside,
But nothing is the same since you've gone

"Forever" -- Vertical Horizon

The last few weeks have been a study in change. I returned from a trip to Florida to find that the last throes of summer in Minnesota had left in my absence, and left a trail of cool winds and 65 degree temperatures in their wake. It's as if the State Fair closed, and the carnies took the summer with them as they towed the midway rides off to their next engagement.

The baby has begun to kick more noticeably and more frequently. I'm beginning to follow her rhythms of activity and rest, and the movements no longer feel spontaneous or erratic. She's learning her own circadian cycle and it's quite interesting to note that I can now recognize her patterns, something I never knew to watch for with the girl.

Speaking of whom, the girl started kindergarten yesterday. She gets to ride the bus and pack a lunch, and we are working on our school and chore routines. So far, so good. She came home yesterday with a glowing report and this morning was after us to go out to the bus stop a full 45 minutes prior to bus time. I hope the enthusiasm carries forward.

My sister and her husband have decided to divorce. There was a bit of limbo for awhile, and the decision was made after a few months' contemplation. Apparently they came to the conclusion a couple days ago and, while it is never an easy thing to see a couple part, nor is it a good thing to see my sister hurting, I hope the decision is for the best.

The fact that both my parents and now my sister are divorcing in the last year makes me want to run home and cling tighter to the boy -- with all I'm worth. I can't imagine loving someone for as long as I've loved him, sharing a life and a bed and a family for as long as we have, and then turning it all over into sadness and acrimony. I can't say how long we'll last -- but I can say we will always be a work in progress.

As for me, my changes are physical and educational... after a massive growth spurt in the last two weeks, I am officially full-time into maternity shirts and am working my way out of my regular jeans. I have a feeling I will be into my maternity jeans this time next month. School is so much better this year -- perhaps it's all the work I did last term, but I'm feeling more solid academically, I have a much better mindset, and things are looking up. I'm watching the change of weather, knowing things will stay green for awhile, and preparing for the leaves of fall.

Listening to Pandora

2008-08-28T20:03:00.004-05:00

My life, ca. 1992 (if only they'd ask my name):

There's a girl who sits under the bleachers, just another day eating alone
And though she smiles, there is something just hiding
And she can't find a way to relate
She just goes unnoticed as the crowd passes by
And she'll pretend to be busy, when inside she just wants to cry
She'll say...

Take a little look at the life of Miss Always Invisible
Look a little harder
I really really want you to put yourself in her shoes
Take another look at the face of Miss Always Invisible
Look a little closer, and maybe then you will see
Why she waits for the day when you'll ask her name

The beginning...in the first weeks of class
She did everything to try and fit in
But the others they couldn't seem to get past all the things that mismatched on the surface
And she would close her eyes when they laughed and she fell down the stairs
And the more that they joked, and the more that they screamed
She retreated to where she is now...and she'll sing...

And one day just the same as the last, just the days spent in counting the time
Came a boy that sat under the bleachers, just a little bit further behind...

-- Miss Invisible, Marie Digby

My life, ca. 2008 (if only I would believe):

"I don't know why you don't go back to college and get your degree," he said
"You could be anything you want to be if you'd only believe that you're worthy, beautiful, you don't need their approval, And I'll be the rock that you can lean on..."

"I've watched you work the room - people hanging on every word, you build it, then kill it, leaving a mystery everybody needs, You're broken, beautiful, you fascinate them all, And they'll be the wind that you will lean on..."

"And why are you everybody's girl? Why (do) you throw your arms around the world? When I am all you need to see you through, I don't believe it, no, I don't believe it, no, I don't know, know about you..."

"I don't know why you don't give up the wild life and come be with me, you know, 'Cause I feel you, and I'm real, you've gotta believe that I never would leave you, 'cause I'm strong, dependable, and I could give you the world, Why can't I be the one you lean on?"

"And why are you everybody's girl? Why (do) you throw your arms around the world? When I am all you need to see you through, I don't believe it, no I don't believe it, no, I don't know, know about you..."

Because I always fell short, because they always wanted more
Because he left and shut the door before you came along
I couldn't feel anybody's love, so everybody's love was not enough
But I know one day, it's going to fill me up
And that's why I am everybody's girl

That's why I throw my arms around the world 'Cause I cannot believe it could be true I don't believe it, no I don't believe it, no, I don't know, know about
Why I am everybody's girl That's why I throw my arms around the world
'Cause I cannot believe it could be true...

-- Everybody's Girl, Jen Foster

Ultrasound, v 2.0

2008-08-27T10:17:00.004-05:00

This is what I did yesterday morning.

The ultrasound experience is nothing new to me -- I did it at least 3-4 times with the Girl and this is the second one for the Bean. I was a bit disappointed with this one- the monitor was faced directly away from the exam table so I wasn't able to see most of the exam itself. Eventually the tech turned the monitor toward me and I got to see the Bean in motion. I will say that what I saw was just as cool as every other time I've seen a fetus of mine up on the screen. As you can see, she's become less bean than baby.

And yes, the use of the female pronoun here is indicative that there is a very strong chance that this bean is also a girl.

I've mentioned it before, but the confirmation of gender brings me to a weird place -- essentially it means I have emulated my family of origin. (My sister and I are approximately six years apart -- roughly the same as my girls will be.) I don't think I did this on purpose -- matter of fact, there's really no way that I did it on purpose. It really threw me for a loop -- last night the boy and I went to bed and he asked me how I was feeling about having another girl. It really threw me for a bit of an anxiety bender, and it brought up a lot of things I hadn't thought through -- I think I was getting used to the idea of having a boy (this pregnancy has been so drastically different than my first...and I'm in a better position to know how to handle an infant).

I don't know that I would want a third child at this point -- and I don't know that I would want to go for another baby just to try for a son. I don't know if it's selfish that I wouldn't want to give up another triathlon season, or that if we had another baby, I'd want to do it almost right away (seriously, at this point, an eighteen month delay wouldn't be a bad thing.)

I'm not disappointed that the bean is a girl -- not by a long shot. Having a sister is an amazing blessing for any girl. If we had a third child, I'd be fine with it...the boy and I have talked about two or three from the get-go. I think the worst part of this whole thing is that I feel like I should be happy and excited, and all I feel is confused and just...weird. There's absolutely no pressure from his family to "carry on the family name" and the Boy told me last night he likes the idea of being surrounded by "his girls."

I just wish I knew better how I felt...I wish I could pinpoint it. I know I'm happy that the Bean is, by all accounts healthy and growing, and I'm happy that the girl is excited to have a baby sister. For now, that's what I have to rely on.

Summer of 1994, Redux

2008-08-25T23:10:00.004-05:00

It's funny how sometimes you return to music you've known for ages, and is so ingrained in your psyche so as to be second nature. I haven't listened to Dulcinea in eons, and quite frankly, I don't know where my copy of that CD is at the moment. However, I was Youtubing this evening and it struck me that I haven't heard the album in forever.

It will forever remain one of those seminal albums of my adolescence -- it came out around 1993-94 or so, when all was well, I earned $4.75 an hour folding sweaters at the mall, and my left elbow was getting sunburnt for the second summer in a row as it hung out the driver's side window of my non-airconditioned compact coupe. Seventeen is such a magical age -- a crossroads, no doubt -- but there is just something about the world being your oyster, and taking ownership of the possibilities.

Perhaps that's the point of adulthood: we spend our lives trying to recapture those heady days of carefree worldliness, days when we owned up to our loss of innocence and rather enjoyed ourselves in the process. Dulcinea was part of my soundtrack for that time in my life, and I will forever be able to pick up that album and sing every single song, line by line, note by note, no matter how much time passes between listenings. I actually had a thought -- I've heard a bootleg of JM and Glenn Phillips doing a cover of Walk on the Ocean, and it struck me that maybe during that summer when I was just a kid folding sweaters somewhere in the Midwest, he was just a kid, with a sunburnt left elbow, doing whatever it was he did for $4.75 an hour somewhere in Connecticut. In any case, Toad the Wet Sprocket will always be ingrained in my musical psyche, and there will always be a spot in my collection for Dulcinea (even if it's currently in a black hole somewhere).

another day, I call and never speak
and you would say, "nothing's changed at all"
and I can't feel much hope for anything
if I won't be there to catch you if you fall
--Something's Always Wrong

Nothings so cold
As closing the heart when all we need is to free the soul
But we wouldnt be that brave I know
And the air outside so soft, confessing everything...everything

And it wont matter now whatever happens to me
Though the air speaks of all well never be it wont trouble me
-- All I Want

There's something that you wont show
Waiting where the light goes
Take the darkest hour-break it open
Water to repair what we have broken

There's something that you wont show
Waiting where the light goes
And anyway the wind blows
Its all worth waiting for
-- Windmills

She said I'm fine, I'm okay cover up your trembling hands
There's indecision when you know you ain't got nothing left
For the last time conscience calls, for a good friend I was never there at all
When will we fall...when will we fall down
--Fall Down

Half Baked

2008-08-22T10:26:00.003-05:00

Had my 20 week OB appointment this morning, and according to the doc, all is well for another four weeks. Ultrasound is next week and we are going to find out the gender of the baby. I don't mind knowing this time around -- the novelty wore off after the first one, and I have a need to plan due to limited space and limited planning time. The boy is in agreement, and I think the family is quite thrilled. If, however, I receive oodles of pink and frilly madness upon the news of a female, I shall scream.

We have preliminarily decided upon names, which of course will not be broadcasted here, in continuation of my privacy policy. They are very nice names.

BP: 122/68
Weight: +3 since the last appointment, -5 total.
Fundal Height: 20/21 cm (right on track)
Fetal HR: 150

The thing that was most remarkable about this visit was the utter difficulty in finding the baby's heartrate. The doc chased around my belly for a good couple minutes and ended up using a second dollop of gel before she finally found the baby. I was almost to the point of worry, especially since I haven't felt much in the way of real movement yet, but we finally caught the little stinker and the heart sounded normal and strong. It seems my body has a talent for making babies, and this one seems to be no exception.

I'm halfway done with this pregnancy, and that seems hard to believe. In four weeks, the baby would be potentially viable if I were to go into pre-term labor. In six weeks, the baby would have a better than average chance of survival, and I will officially be in my third trimester. In eight weeks, I will be staring down midterms and outlines. It will be fall in Minnesota, and I will be wearing maternity jeans with my autumn sweaters.

And now, I must finish the Property reading I avoided yesterday, and get going on Family Law, before my 2:30 class this afternoon. Ah, the joys of law school...

Cowboy Music

2008-08-21T11:02:00.003-05:00

So I'm sitting in the basement student lounge at school, blatantly ignoring my Property homework, and listening to Pandora.

I've got the classical station on, because it's usually good to have as background music whilst delving into legal minutiae. The lounge is filling up with freshly minted 1L's, still hopelessly optimistic and just released from their 9:30 classes.

I am drawn from my Mozart-induced coma by a loud, brash combination of winds and strings, and am immediately drawn to the Old West. It's Copland, sending me to the land of Clint Eastwood, spaghetti Westerns and tumbleweed-infested saloons in a way only he can. I don't know how one composer can embody a spirit, a time, an imagery the way Copland does with the Western spirit, but if there is a quintessential American composer, one that brings forth barn-raisings, Conestoga wagons and Stetson hats in the mind of the listerner, it's him. (Horrible runon sentence, that. Sorry.)

Most people would know the particular piece as the "Beef! It's what's for dinner!" song, but I know it by its given name (Ballet Rodeo) and specifically by movement (#3: Hoedown).

Copland goes beyond "Rodeo" for me though. Appalachian Spring is a favorite, and its "Variations on a Shaker Hymn" (Simple Gifts) is a three minute journey to the ever-possible.

My dad loves Copland. I think I was inculcated by the time I was five. It hasn't left me. It's probably one of those things I don't mind having in common with him.

First Week of School

2008-08-17T17:03:00.003-05:00

First week of school is officially over, and in and amongst the readings and classes, I'm finding a bit more joy in school. Partially because I get to choose some of my classes this term, and also because the professors seem less like intellectual gods and more like scholars with something to share.

Okay, maybe they are simply demi-gods. One can always hope they retained some of their humanity.

Choice quotes and phrases from this week:

"wily quadruped"
"saucy interloper"
"corporate erection"

I'll just let those speak for themselves. First impressions: Property will be hard but hopefully interactive and somewhat interesting, Con Law is a poli sci major's dream, except that the final is going to be regimented and (I'm assuming) incredibly difficult if the argument isn't structured just so, Negotiation will be fun and hopefully slightly argumentative, and Family Law will be just plain fun.

I love watching the conservatives in class squirm every time we talk about the "definition of marriage" and "same-sex marriage" as well as "cohabitation." Great sport. (Honestly - I was waiting for someone to pull out a KJV or NIV and hurl it with great abandon at the professor's head. No such luck. Merely a bout of silent fuming and resignation. I hope there are some RAGING debates this term.)

More on this later - but as our examination of marriage begins, I can't help but think that the state has no business in the business of marriage. Much of our issue and problem would be resolved by abolishing state sanctioned marriage altogether and adopting a civil registry system for all couples. In doing so, we leave "marriage" to the individual couple (i.e., if one wants to invite God/Vishnu/Jesus/Yahweh into their marriage, they are free to do so at the temple/synagogue/church of their choice) but in order to reap the social benefits of couplehood and union, they must go to the registry office, register in person and receive documentation thereof.

I posit that any two consenting adults, regardless of gender, should be able to present themselves, verify they are free and able to join, solemnize the union in front of a court officer, and then go about their lives as they see fit. Whether their next stop is a church and a priest, a beach and a friend, or a wooded glen and a high priestess is their choice and none of the government's concern.

I imagine most churches will insist upon a registry license or somesuch before they will marry someone, but the point is this: those who wish to register as couples may do so, and those who wish to marry in church may do so without a registry. Or couples may do both.

Surely those who both claim limitations on government and the "sanctity of marriage" could not be opposed to such a proposal -- one which not only takes the government out of the business of intereference in individual lives and liberties, but also reserves the title of "marriage" to those who wish to recognize it via religious or social means, rather than governmental ones?

See what I did there?

Has She Lost Her Mind?

2008-08-15T22:47:00.002-05:00

Has he lost his mind?
Can he see or is he blind?
Can he walk at all, or if he moves will he fall?
Is he alive or dead? Has he thoughts within his head?

- Iron Man

Sooz just posted a new goal in her LJ blog.

I think I've created a monster!!

And I am thinking I might join her.

IMOO 2010, baby!!! (But first, a standalone marathon, a century ride, and a LOT of training.)

A Moment of Beauty

2008-08-13T11:09:00.003-05:00

This made me cry this morning, during a study break.

No Language Required

We are waiting for the notoriously slow elevators at St. Vincent’s after one of my checkups. Standing next to us is a nurse, a new baby, the new mom, and a couple of her friends. The new mom doesn’t speak English, so her friends translate what the nurse is saying. It is an exciting day; they are taking the new baby home.

When the elevator finally arrives, we all step inside, and I cannot stop looking at the little baby, fast asleep in the carseat, tiny and pink and perfect.

The mom notices me noticing her baby, so I give her a smile. Congratulations.

Her eyes flick to my belly and she smiles back. Good luck.

Eastsidegirl is due any day now. I love her writing, and so should you. Best of luck to her.

The Comfort of Couplehood

2008-08-11T22:45:00.000-05:00

Sometimes, when you are a couple, you set aside a Saturday night and make reservations, and hire a babysitter, and put on your nice clothes and your grown-up shoes, and get the car cleaned and you go out on a date to a restaurant where it is quiet enough to have a civilized conversation and the words kids menu don't exist.

Sometimes, when you are a couple, you call each other on the way home and make plans to meet somewhere for dinner, and more often than not it's a more kid-friendly place, or a chain family restaurant, where likeminded families will also congregate and your kid can be a kid. You finally get home and remember that you have a load in the dryer that needs to be folded and you notice that the kitchen floor could use a Swiffering. You send the kids up to bathe and get ready for bed, and you notice that your partner has already gone to the basement and hauled the clean clothes upstairs, and you chat quietly while he Swiffers and you fold.

Sometimes, when you are a couple, and you are expecting a baby, you spend your third trimester nights together, a half-eaten pizza on the living room floor. You change into your pajamas immediately upon coming home from work, and you get comfortable on the couch, sharing a blanket and shifting into each other's sides, the flicker of the teevee in the dark room reflecting on your partner's face as you watch the latest installment of the DVD series you are working your way through together, probably The West Wing or Band of Brothers. You give him the extra pillow, he places his hand over your distended abdomen, both of you feeling the baby kick.

Sometimes, when you are a couple, your husband brings you red roses in the middle of the winter, because he knows you like fresh flowers on the table, and he knows the surprise will make you smile.

Sometimes, when you are a couple, you let him play Rock Band louder than you ever thought possible, because you know it's how he gets his stress relief, and you know it was a difficult day at work for him.

Sometimes, when you are a couple, you fall asleep in each others' arms and wake up with the kids in the middle of the bed, and all you can do is rub each others' feet and say "good morning" in the language that is your own.

Sometimes, when you are a couple, and you hear another couple is parting, you cuddle each other extra hard, and kiss each other goodnight a few extra times, because though you share the pain of the separation and sympathize with the ones doing the breaking up, you are grateful that it isn't you.

Sometimes, when you are a couple, you don't know whether you'll last another 48 hours or 48 days or 48 years, but you make damned sure you give it your best shot, because the other person is more important than anyone or anything else in life.

And at the end of each day, when you are a couple, you give and take, and talk and listen, and decide and disagree, and punish and forgive. But mostly what you do is decide to be together, and to sacrifice for each other, and lift each other up, every day, embracing love like a soft comforter wrapped around you both on a cold winters' night and knowing that there is nowhere else you'd rather be.

Someone Else's Tomorrow

2008-07-15T21:17:00.002-05:00

Have you ever been baptized in the cool winter water
On a Sunday morning when the sky was gray?
You filed out of the churchyard, so cold it was silver
To gold, tan, and blue cars, and the cars drove away
All the memories fade, send the ghosts on their way
Tell them they've had their day, it's someone else's tomorrow

The tall and the tiny ships on the water
Farther and farther, floating away
Will never return now, all wooden and burned out
They echo and groan now in their salty graves
All the memories fade, send the the ghosts on their way
Tell them they've had their day, it's someone else's tomorrow
Someone else's tomorrow

Someone Else's Tomorrow - Patty Griffin

Haunting, ethereal song in my head. It speaks of death and renewal and moving on, allowing the past to slip away gracefully in honor of what the future may hold.

There are so many things in my past that I should let slip. And yet, there are so many things that I deal with on a daily basis that require dredging up the past in order to understand.

One of my solutions to the drama surrounding my family of origin is to simply concentrate on the here and now, and on the family the boy and I have created. I will always honor my parents for giving me life and education and as much as they did. But it's now my job to make sure they don't interfere with what we are trying so hard to build together. I am forever grateful to have had my mother by my side when I was pregnant with the girl. Now that I'm six hours away from her, and on my second pregnancy, and am older and (theoretically) wiser, I feel so much more capable regarding my decisions and my approach to pregnancy and the birth of the bean.

My dad wrote me an email today. More drama is afoot, and I wrote him back with what I considered to be a straightforward answer, a little common sense advice, and a whole lot of honesty. He replied that I was "a helluva lot stronger" than he ever knew. The trick of it is that I have had to learn how to be strong and how to fight for what is best for me, rather than trying to appease everyone, or be everything to everyone.

I have as big a selfish streak as anyone - but all of the labels I carry with me (up there in the corner - take a peek) - are just little parts of me. Without them I wouldn't be myself, but I don't have hats and aprons to take off and put on as the situation requires. I have one great big patchwork quilt, and it goes everywhere with me. I sleep with it wrapped round me at night. It lays on the ground in transition during a race, and it becomes my coat of many colors when life gets cold and lonely. Sometimes it needs to be repaired, sometimes it needs a spin through the wash.

I think my greatest hope right now is that my children grow up with love and without baggage. I want nothing more than to give them the strength to leave for college, the willingness to call home every now and again, and the idea that home is a place of unconditional acceptance and love.

OMG Triathlon!

2008-07-13T21:11:00.003-05:00

Congratulations to Sooz, for finishing her first triathlon in 1:53:39, kicking my own course PR all to hell and smashing her personal goal of 2:00:00. You rock!!

The title of this post comes from an email that Sooz sent me last Thursday - right before we took off for the Danskin Triathlon.

Due to the impending Bean, I was not comfortable competing this year - it was truly a personal decision, as I saw at least two visibly pregnant women in the field, and congratulated them on being braver than I. Instead of pushing myself through my training, or doing what I would consider a half-assed job at training and competing, or putting myself into an unknown, uncomfortable position (i.e., a race where I could get kicked or run over or injured) I chose to involve myself as a race volunteer this year, and accompany Sooz to the tri as we planned before the Bean decided to appear. I also have a tendency to turn into a rather competitive animal when I race - and I didn't think the adrenaline surge would be the best thing for the Bean at this stage.

I spent Saturday at the info booth, lining about 300 early birds up into orderly queues for registration entry (they started showing up at 8:30am for a 10AM opening), then repeating the parking/shuttle/bike racking directions ad nauseum to many athletes and friends who did not bother to read the website. Fortunately, being a two year vet, as well as a (former) local yokel helped matters a lot - I was able to give what I thought was good advice. It was a lot of fun - and the bonus for the info booth was CHAIRS! I got to sit down and rest my legs a bit during intervals on my 8-2 shift.

This morning, we were up BEFORE dawn (3:30AM!) because I had an event pass where I was allowed to park inside the event venue - but I had to report for my volunteer shift at 4:30am. Sooz went with me so she didn't have to freak out about catching a shuttle. The excitement of the day ended up occurring about 10 minutes after we arrived, when Sooz discovered she'd forgotten the key to her bike lock. This necessitated me making a quick run home and retrieving the keys, then racing back to the race site without arising the concern of the local constabulary. All was well after my mission of mercy, and I continued to work the transition area. My duties mostly included asking anyone if they had questions or needed help, running around with Coach Ken's bike pump and pumping tires, directing human traffic, and kicking everyone out at 6:30am. (Not as easy at it may seem.)

My next job involved traffic control at the swim out - we had to keep the crosswalk clear of spectators whilst the athletes were crossing over the walk path. (Again, not easy. Try herding cats. Possibly easier than telling insistent husbands and boyfriends that the crosswalk was not an appropriate place to stand and wait 10 minutes to take a photo of their athlete coming out of the water.)

Once most of the mixed agers were out of the water, I wandered over to the finish line to watch Sooz run in. I found Steven and Jeremy - her two boyz - and we waited about 15 minutes until she came round the bend, running in and finishing strong.

We found her right after the finish, bawling and with her medal around her neck. I choked up and cried myself at the sight - I can pretend to blame the pregnancy hormones for turning me into a squooshy mess, but in truth, I remember doing the exact same thing two years ago - collapsing in sobs and tears in the boy's arms right after I finished my first triathlon. I just remember telling her how proud I was of her, and how amazing she is as a person and an athlete. We all got pix with the new triathlete, and then I headed back to transition to finish my shift by checking athletes and bikes out after transition was opened to be cleared. Thanks to the trusty parking pass, we cleared out of the venue post-haste, got back to the house to shower, change and pack up, and then headed home to the TC - but not before a post-race celebratory burger-and-custard at the legendary Kopp's in Milwaukee.

Today was a great day - I am so incredibly proud of my friend, at what she's accomplished and what she has the strength to do. She's strong and beautiful, and now I have a training buddy in the T.C.!! She's thoroughly addicted to tri and is already talking about more races, offseason training, and next year's tri schedule. (As if I needed another reason to *heart* Sooz.) We're both toying with the idea of the Duluth Olympic next August - and I would love nothing more than to take this year's goal and move it to next year.

For a few moments, I was insanely jealous that I wasn't out there, bodygliding my thighs and racking up my Trek with the rest of the gang - but in the end, volunteering reminded me of how much I truly love triathlon, and how much I have to work for and look forward to next year. Once this Bean is a reality, training will be that much harder, but I want to be one of those moms that grabs their kids on their way into the finish line. I met breastfeeding moms and new moms and pregnant moms and mothers and daughters and grandmothers and 4000 amazing women, each with a story to tell and each with their own reason for being out there today. The girl and the Bean are my reasons every single year I tri.

As much as I would have given my eyeteeth to have been in the lake, on the bike, and on my toes today, I'm grateful for the time I did have to help out 4000 other women accomplish their dreams and goals.

And I'm grateful for friends like Sooz, who inspire me.

Knocked Up, Out of My Mind

2008-07-08T22:11:00.003-05:00

Apologies to Messrs. Hancock and Mayer for ruthlessly ganking the title of their lovely collaboration. Which by the way, sounded FAN-TASTIC in Milwaukee and St. Louis.

We now interrupt the Summer of Awesome and its regularly scheduled blogging to bring you the following PSA:

I have oft been asked "why don't you like being pregnant?" As ridiculous as that question may be alone, it is often asked by people who have either never been pregnant, or were pregnant over 30 years ago. In other words, they don't know, or they don't remember.

My feelings toward pregnancy are...complex. (Gee, me? Complex? Naaaaaaaaaaaaah.)

When I was growing up, I was fairly ambivalent about having kids. I didn't know if I wanted them - I didn't know if I was cut out for motherhood. I think I figured I'd probably have them eventually. If I did, I did. If I didn't, well then.

Then I met the boy. The boy had always dreamed of fatherhood. He knew he wanted kids. When we got married, having a kid or two was non-negotiable in his book. Theoretically I had no objections, I had no reason to think I was unable to get pregnant, I knew the mechanics, and I figured we'd have them at some point. Cue three years into our marriage, and the girl was born. We never had to "try" to get pregnant, we never struggled with infertility or conception issues. So many of my friends who desperately wanted kids had issues getting pregnant and when they did, it seemed practically unfair that someone like me (the ambivalent, reluctant, sarcastic one) would be a Fertile Myrtle.

During my pregnancy with the girl, I feel like I did pretty well - I gained a good amount of weight for someone my size, didn't have any serious issues or complications, suffered a garden-variety of maladies (nausea and a bad nose in the first trimester, car/motion sickness in the second and third, general exhaustion, misery and snoring throughout) took my prenatal vitamins, ate pretty much what I wanted, staunchly avoided "What To Expect When You Are Expecting", tried to avoid caffeine (sorry kid, sometimes a fountain diet Coke is a must), craved french fries from McD's, and in keeping with my rebel streak, took Bradley classes from a home instructor rather than the three sessions of hospital-instructed Lamaze (what I affectionately termed "What To Do Until The Epidural Arrives").

I intended to give birth commando - no drugs, no monitor. Old school style - which meant if I needed to scream my head off and birth squatting, so be it. Lithotomy position be damned. Gravity would not work against me. I will never forget the look on the tour guide's face when we went to the hospital tour - she proudly pointed out the mirror on the ceiling "so we could watch the baby being born!" The pride quickly melted into a shade of horror when I told her it was ridiculous to put a mirror on the ceiling, because if you are squatting, you can see for yourself what is going on down there.

I don't know if she knew that stirrups were optional in childbirth. (They are.)

Of course, our well-intentioned plans were shot all to hell because the girl refused to cooperate. For two weeks past my "due date" I squatted. I took castor oil. I took evening primrose. I drank gallons of red raspberry leaf tea with a tincture of blue cohosh. We had sex. (Seriously - not the fun kind, the put me in labor, damnit, kind.) I walked. I ate Mexican food.

Nothing happened.

Bottom line, the kid was happy and wasn't coming out the way God and Mother Nature intended, and we ended up scheduling a c-section about 12 hours ahead of time. I was both devastated and relieved - I really did not want to have a c-section, but I wanted to be done being pregnant and meet our daughter.

And in a matter of 35 minutes in the OR, I was, and we did. And it's all good. Over the last six years, I've managed to figure out being a mom - not without a fair share of bumps and bruises along the way. I truly dig my kid - she's just the right blend of the two of us, and I'm hoping the bean is going to be equally as cool. "We make great kids," the two of us have said to each other repeatedly over the last few months.

It's that thought that will get me through the next five/six months or so. At the end of the bloating and edema and cravings and weird vision and placenta brain and all that stuff, will be a kid who hopefully will fit right into our little tribe - and I'll have to relearn how to be that kid's mother. I’m cool with that.

Now, on to the point of this post: pregnancy, to me, feels like the invasion of the body snatchers. You gain weight. You have uncontrollable urges, cravings and mood swings. Your core temperature rises on a whim and you go from incredibly horny to don’t effing touch me, I swear you will be banished to the sofa! in 3.2 seconds or less. I am less weepy than others but I am weepy (for me.) You have to go to the doctor and pee in a cup on a regular basis, and they weigh you, and they take your blood pressure, and every damn time I go in for a prenatal appointment I feel like they are passing judgment on me. I swear, I had a 15 minute discussion in the exam room with the NP at my first appointment wherein I had to defend my lifestyle and my weight to a woman who barely knew my name. I truly had to convince her that my life and my choices are fundamentally healthy ones – I just happen to like carbs and sugar, I don’t have much portion control, and truly the only thing “wrong” with me is that I am, by some random governmentally approved standard, overweight. Yes, I know, I know. This is neither the time nor the place, children. Close your email clients. Now.

I tend to look on pregnancy as a necessary biological process. It’s something you live with, is temporary and hopefully has a pretty cool permanent effect. It’s no miracle how pregnancy occurs – it’s actually quite fun if done properly. It’s also no miracle that women give birth every day – yes, each pregnancy and each mother and each child are different, but fundamentally, the process remains the same, no matter what type of birth one experiences.

I think the other thing that bugs me about pregnancy is the whole societal “thing” with pregnancy. How many times have I heard sickly sweet platitudes about pregnancy, and how wonderful it is that we’re giving our daughter a sibling, and how nobody wants you to lift anything, and how any kind of chemical at all, ever, is bad bad bad, and somehow when you become a pregnant woman you are identified merely by the swell of your abdomen. There is a definite loss of self, of identity. I worked for 31 years to become the person I am, and just because I have a kid on the way is no reason for you to treat me any differently than you would if I didn’t. Yes, I know how to ask for help, and sure, I get tired more easily, but for God’s sake, I am not made of glass, nor must I be treated as such. If I’m tired, I’ll sit down. If I’m hungry, I’ll eat. If I need to go to the grocery store a week past my due date and push a cart with $300 of groceries in it, I will. I never take kindly to unsolicited advice, and pregnancy is surely no exception. Part of the reason I don’t have a separate pregnancy blog, or a counter or anything cutesy like that, is because I view this pregnancy as part of my life. There’s no reason to compartmentalize – if anyone wants to skip over the pregnancy bits, I have no problem with that.

In the end, I’m generally laid back about the pregnancy – yes I do wonder what kind of kid our DNA will bring forth this time, if this one will be male or female, if this kid will have the same black stripe of hair amongst the blonde that the girl has had since her first breath. I worry about breastfeeding (sometimes) and I worry about remembering everything that goes with a new baby (seriously – amnesia sets in after awhile).

But I also don’t worry too terribly much about it. If I seem laid back and nonchalant about pregnancy, it’s because I’m lucky enough not to have to think about it much, and also because I know that however faint, there’s a light at the end of the tunnel. Without pregnancy I wouldn’t have the girl or the bean. And those two things are worth the aggravation and body-snatching.

Meet and Greet: Milwaukee

2008-07-03T11:24:00.001-05:00

This is the true story of the first two John Mayer concerts of the season. Well, we'll get to the shows later. This is the true story of how I met John Mayer.

A round trip of about 1300 miles from the TC to the hometown to St Louis and back. The equipment: one Audi A6, one booster seat, my entire collection of John Mayer CDs (with some Colbie Caillat, Sara Bareilles, October Project, Vertical Horizon and Matty Nay thrown in for variety), two suitcases, a scooter and helmet for the girl, and a backpack with my laptop and class stuff. Even on summer break, law school waits for no woman.

The girl and I headed out the afternoon of the 2nd - about six hours behind schedule. This didn't bother me so much - I wanted to have some stuff ready for the boy when I left and didn't have enough time to run all my errands and stuff the day before. I will say that I had time to run to Target and buy the special edition of Where The Light Is, and it kept me thoroughly entertained for about half the drive.

Upon arrival at the mom's, I saw that two very important packages arrived: Jen's Minolta camera, and a copy of Continuum on vinyl. Both items went to the concert with me the next day, for a very important purpose:

As the lucky winner of an L-83 meet and greet, I was thrilled and overwhelmed to meet John Mayer. For about a week beforehand, I kept telling myself "he's just a guy." Just a regular guy who happens to be an amazing musician and is beyond gorgeous and... yeah. Right. The only thing I was determined NOT to do was to break down in tears, all NKOTB fanstyle.

Apparently I did a good job - my friends have remarked that I look very chill and also that I am "glowing." (It might be the pregnant. I don't know.) It was incredibly cool to meet John - he was gracious, shook everyone's hand and asked our names, and signed autographs for everyone, as well as posed for pictures with each of us. We were together for a good 20 minutes before the door to the green room opened. The first person to walk in was Ken Helie, John's tour manager, and right on his heels was John himself. I'll never forget the first thoughts that ran through my mind: wow, he's a lot more tan in person, he's got bedhead and his voice is a little raspy, wonder if he just got up from a nap, cool shoes, niiiice eyes and tattoos... I've read recounts of prior meet and greets, and a few things came to mind to check out for myself:

1. Yes, he is tall. However, I was not surprised - I would say he's about the same height as my husband, maybe slightly taller. Living with someone who is 6'3 gives you perspective on height, I think.

2. He is NOT rail skinny as most people think. Definitely lithe and healthy, but there is some lovely, muscular meat on that frame. When we posed for the picture, I think my arm went roughly around his waist - his went round my shoulders. I was too busy trying to a)smile nicely, b) not touch his ass, and c) get close but not too close as to inappropriately invade his personal space to really get a good feel...but his arms were very, very nice.

3. His tattoos are beautiful. The tattoo sleeve on his left arm is not nearly as dark as it shows in pictures, and the color work he's had done definitely helps it. The tattoo on his forearm (three squares) struck me as a bit faded - but then again, it's however old (at least six years if not a bit older) and like I said before - boy is much tanner than I thought - so that probably contributes.

4. I can confirm that he smells LOVELY. His shoes and watch were both immaculately cared for. He's got a great smile and overall, he seems like a very busy, but genuine guy.

The show itself was fantastic - more later on that. The autographed album is currently sitting in protective cover, awaiting a frame and a place of honor in my study space. And I think it will remain there when the guest room becomes the bean's room - in all honestly, the Bean was there with me, you can totally tell I'm seriously knocked up in the picture, and it will be a cool story to tell him/her when she/he's older. I joked with my buddies that since I'm going to five Mayer shows this summer, this kid better come out knowing six chords and the correct way to hold a Strat.

Nice to meet you, John. Hope we can do it again sometime.

Wir Hat Ein Audi Gekaufte!

2008-06-28T22:50:00.007-05:00

Das ist mein Audi. Es ist grün. Es muss eine ordentliche deutsche Name. Vielleicht werde ich es Lars Namen. Oder vielleicht Johann. Ich weiss es nicht.

The last thing I thought I'd be doing in law school is buying a car. However, the car above is not only sweet, and was not only a super-sweet deal, it was an opportunity that we could not pass up. Kate's dad was selling his old Audi, since he bought a new one, and I happened to see it last week when we went out on Kate's boat.

I mentioned it to the boy, he said "sure, let's check it out!" 90 minutes on the phone secured the financing and the insurance, and three hours later, I shook the man's hand and we were the proud parents of a 1999 Audi A6. (Which according to Arthur Miller is a VW with a glandular problem. That's a civ pro joke. If you got it, you've been to law school. If you didn't...ehhh... move on.)

I have high hopes for this car - though it has high mileage, I think it will last at least another 100-150K, and if we switch off driving it, it should be fine. Plus, I would not be embarrassed to show up to work at a law firm as an attorney driving this car. Audis have a timeless look to them - and they are fuuuuuuuuuun to drive. The 2.8L V6 might have a little something to do with that.

In any case, we'll sell one of our cars, and we have a short term loan on the car so it'll be paid off pretty quickly. And I mean seriously... look at it:

Ich bin ein Präzisions-Instrument der deutsche Maschinenbau. Du wirst mich lieben.

Edited to add: his name is Heinrich.

Thursdayness

2008-06-26T19:20:00.004-05:00

1. Am I the only person in the world who haaaaaaaaaaaaaaates Jack Johnson?

2. Six days til Summerfest! Mayer, come to mama... It's been waaaaaay too long, baby. And my husband won't be there this time, so... ya know...

3. Seven days til The Lou. Oh hellz yeah.

4. So about a week ago, I went to the doc and they drew about eight vials of blood and made me pee in a cup. And they told me the pee was bad bad bad, and I had to drink a ton of water and cranberry juice and do a seven day course of antibiotics and avoid certain horizontal adult fun activities with my husband, for fear of INFECTING HIM with THE INFECTION. All this, despite the fact that I had NO symptoms. I mean seriously - no weird funk, no weird goo, no burning. Maybe I just have a little bacterial alien hanging around between my legs, making raspberries at the lab monkeys at my doc's office. So NOW... I started my antibiotic course yesterday, and they are going to want to test me again after I'm done, and I'm out of town for a good week after that... so maybe I can wheedle my way into going in and peeing right before we leave for Summerfest. I hope so.

5. So without further ado... the reason I was giving the lab monkeys lots of fun fluids to play with...

Announcing... Kidney Bean Thompson. This picture was taken a few weeks ago at 9.5 weeks. I'm now just going on 12... past the first trimester and due round about the first week of January. Just another addition to the Summer of Awesome... and the reason why I'm not doing any triathons this summer.

Easy price to pay for the coolness ahead. I'll be back next year on the race course...even sweeter to do it post partum. And yeah, I'll be one of those tri-moms who grabs her kids and runs across the line with them. For me - one big, one small, and all happy. The girl will be six when the bean is born. I was six when my sis was born - pretty cool. She'll be an awesome big sister.

For the next six months or so, I'll be gestating, and telling the boy to carry my backpack to school for me, and probably getting all pregnanty-looking, and hopefully figuring out if the bean is a girl or a boy... and having a perfectly lovely excuse to send the boy out for all manner of weird foods at all hours of the day and night, and hopefully telling my mother and in-laws and family to lay off with the visitation. (That's another thing I'm not hip to - the whole WE NEEEEEEEEEED TO SEEEEEEEE THE BAY-BEEEEEEE NOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW! thing. Geez. Let me get my stitches out and establish a damned breastfeeding pattern before you invade. A week is NOT too long to wait to see a new baby!) (And yes, stitches = c-section. I had one last time and my track record on going into labor on my own is 0-1. I'm told my docs won't induce a v-bac, so yeah. Most likely headed for the OR again.)

I'll update on this when I feel the need - so far I have to remind myself I'm pregnant and, with the exception of a low back ache, a little growth cramping, and one rather nasty occurrence of puking up an empty stomach, I've pretty much sailed through these first few months. Trust me when I say I'm not a touchy-feely pregnant lady, nor do I wax poetic about the whole "magic" and "wonder" of "new life."

Frankly, I prefer knocked up.

Oh, My Gosh... SO Much Awesome

2008-06-23T10:40:00.002-05:00

Nashville recap:

1. Nashville was cool. Loved seeing the in-laws, and the FIL continues to make progress - he had back and knee surgeries awhile ago. Not easy to keep working on when your lifestyle is sedentary. But I'm proud of what he's done and how he has kept his spirits up.

2. Got to see Candi - an old coworker, former carpool buddy, and more importantly - a good friend. I'm astounded we've not lost touch, but with friends like Candi, all you have to do is drop a line every now and again and you can pick right back up with life and laughs. We met for lunch at Opry Mills and I brought the girl with me. We even let her ride the carousel in the food court, and got lots of visiting done. Candi was my carpool buddy when I was pregnant with the girl, so she went through all my ups and downs with me - and I was so grateful for her companionship. She's such a great person and I wish we could see more of each other.

3. Played lots of Euchre. (That's YOO-ker for you non Midwesterners.) It's a family tradition - my in-laws played with my husband's grandparents, and we now play with them. I have no doubt we'll teach the girl how to play - and it's a fun, fast paced game. Even better - we always play men v. women, and the women almost never win! Well, this go-round, the women DOMINATED 7-2. Even better - we got to watch them grumble and squirm... which is probably the best part. :)

************

Since Nashville, I've gotten some more cool stuff under my belt. Jen informed me that Matt Nathanson is playing in Milwaukee the night I'm supposed to drive back through after spending the 4th in St. Louis. My JM tix for Milwaukee arrived on Friday, and my STL stickets are sitting at the post office awaiting my pickup (which will happen in a few short moments.) I downloaded the tape from JM's Amsterdam concert last night and... just... guh. I didn't know it was possible for him to sound even better than last summer, but WOW. Amazing. The tape quality is amazing too - so much respect for the fan who got that tape (and posted it so quickly!!)

Hmmm... what else?

Went boating yesterday with the girl, Jon and Julia, on Kate's parents' boat on the St. Croix. It was really fun - and the girl had a huge grin on her face when she sat in front of the boat and Kate opened up the throttle and really let the boat go...she wasn't scared at all. (If this is an indication of the girl's capacity for thrill seeking, I'm doomed.)

AND! A theatre up in Coon Rapids is playing "Where The Light Is" on June 30... theatre-style. So not only do I get to see it before the DVD release...I get to see it ON THE BIG SCREEN and listen to the music in surround sound. Oh man...am I GEEKED!

This week? Academia rears its ugly head as I must work ahead on P.R. and get my Theories paper written by Thursday. However, the payoff will be sweet as next week the girl and I head out on our road trip - Milwaukee, hometown, St. Louis, then home. Fourth of July, here we come!!

Restatement 2nd, Summer of Awesome

2008-06-18T11:49:00.003-05:00

In an effort to stay current on the happenings of the Summer of Awesome, I am restating the Declaration of Awesome. (A restatement in legal terms is a book of commonly accepted theories and rules applicable to a portion of law, written by an expert in the field, such as a professor or other legal scholar. They are regularly used in court opinions and insofar as they are not legislation, nor are they court opinion, they define the law.) Here then, the 2nd Restatement of the Summer of Awesome:

I hereby declare the upcoming season, colloquially known as summer, lasting generally from Memorial Day Weekend (commencing on or about May 24, 2008) through the middle of September (ending on or about September 8, 2008) to be the Summer of Awesome.

The Summer of Awesome shall involve the following events:

1. A visit from Jordana and Todd. CHECK.

2. A trip to Phoenix. CHECK.

3. A quick bout of summer school, ending on or about June 5. CHECK.

4. A visit to Tennessee to see the in-laws. CHECK. (Entry forthcoming.)

5. A roadtrip to Summerfest to possibly see AKeys on 7/1 and DEFINITELY see JM 7/2. On deck. If you just heard a fangirly "squeee", then you are in the right place.

6. Continuation of said roadtrip to the S-T-L to party with the sister, see JM 7/3, and watch the fireworks over the Mighty Mississippi from Gateway Park.

7. A quick return home, then a roadtrip to Danskin Chicagoland with Sooz 7/12-7/13.

8. A girls' weekend in Chicago, with many girls from all over the nation, flying in to meet up in the Windy City for JM 7/18. I am now flying to Chicago rather than driving. Who needs a car in Chicago anyway?

9. My first Olympic tri on 8/2-8/3 in Duluth. On hold.

10. My 2L year starting on 8/9. Possibly 8/16?)

11. Y camp for the girl at a drastically reduced rate (and only when we need it!) approximately three days a week, and getting to keep her at home with me twice a week to do fun mom/daughter stuff. Started today. She looked happy to be there and like she would have lots of fun.

12. Campaigning for Franken, hopefully for a bit of law school credit. No credit, but some volunteer time is definitely on the radar screen.

13. Minnesota State Fair the last weekend of August, winding up on Labor Day.

Addendum

14. The possibility of seeing Matt Nathanson in Milwaukee on 7/5 as I drive back through from St. Louis. Love Matty Nay. LOVE.

15. Flying down to Florida over Labor Day weekend to see JM with Jen in Tampa and West Palm Beach. (Yes, that brings my Mayer show total to 5 this summer.)

16. Seeing the girl off to kindergarten on September 8, 2008. (Incidentally, J&T's first anniversary.)

The awesomeness just keeps adding on!!

Packing and Laundry and GAH!

2008-06-12T12:05:00.002-05:00

Sometimes, the life of a domestic diva is not all it is cracked up to be.

Like today.

I must:

1. Do laundry
2. Pack family of three for a plane trip, involving: NO checked baggage, ONE booster seat, enough toiletries to last 4 days, my school stuff and my laptop, and enough stuff to keep the girl occupied on the trip - OH, and it must be carriable and manageable because we have a connecting flight...
3. Clean the house and kitchen - mostly because I can't stand the idea of leaving the house in anything other than what passes for clean around here.
4. Probably run to Target so I can get a smaller version of our toiletries.
5. Convince my husband that grabbing a pizza probably isn't a bad idea for dinner tonight.
6. Take out the trash
7. Make a parking reservation for the airport.
8. Get everyone to bed on time
9. Get everyone up by 4:30am
10. Make a 7am flight.

Yeah...parts of the summer of awesome? Not so awesome.

Summer of Awesome, Part Deux

2008-06-09T18:43:00.005-05:00

An update, if you will!

The Summer of Awesome is going just swimmingly!!! With three of four grades in for spring break, I can say confidently that I did MUCH better this last semester than I did in Fall. Add in the experience of been-there-done-that as well as a serious uptick in effort and assistance request, and school is looking better than it ever did. Here's an update on my Declaration of Awesome for the summer.

I hereby declare the upcoming season, colloquially known as summer, lasting generally from Memorial Day Weekend (commencing on or about May 24, 2008) through Labor Day Weekend (ending on or about September 1, 2008) to be the Summer of Awesome.

The Summer of Awesome shall involve the following events:

1. A visit from Jordana and Todd

CHECK. J&T made their way to the TC just before Memorial Day weekend, and a lovely time was had by all, including a free meal at Joe's Garage (with the most insanely delicious tall chocolate cake evaaarrr...

2. A trip to Phoenix with Kate, the girl, the mom and the sister for four days' respite, sleep, pool lounging, spa pampering, shopping and general laziness in order to shake off the rigors of a year of law school and the Most Stupidest Winter Ever.

CHECK. See entry below, re: Pa-Hoe-Nix.

3. A quick bout of summer school, ending on or about June 5.

CHECK. I have yet to write the paper, and I have committed to an additional on-line class, but nothing I can't handle.

4. A visit to Tennessee to see the in-laws.

Up next...we will have liftoff on Friday morning. (Note to self, check on parking alternatives.)

5. A roadtrip to Summerfest to possibly see AKeys on 7/1 and DEFINITELY see JM 7/2.

6. Continuation of said roadtrip to the S-T-L to party with the sister, see JM 7/3, and watch the fireworks over the Mighty Mississippi from Gateway Park.

7. A quick return home, then a roadtrip to Danskin Chicagoland with Sooz 7/12-7/13.

8. A quick return home, then yet another roadtrip to Chicago to meet up with girls from all over the nation, flying in to meet up in the Windy City for JM 7/18, and a girls' weekend downtown to follow.

9. My first Olympic tri on 8/2 - 8/3 in Duluth. On hold for now, for reasons to be explained at a later date.

10. My 2L year starting on 8/9.

11. Y camp for the girl at a drastically reduced rate (and only when we need it!) approximately three days a week, and getting to keep her at home with me twice a week to do fun mom/daughter stuff.

Check - she's registered and starts next week!

12. Campaigning for Franken, hopefully for a bit of law school credit.

13. Minnesota State Fair the last weekend of August, winding up on Labor Day.

There are now a few additions, which will make the summer even MORE awesome (as if that were possible, really...) And on a completely unrelated note: our stimulus check arrived! Woo! Now I get to deposit it...and write a big fat check to school for my summer school tuition. Oh, the joys of paying for school out of pocket!!

Also on deck: exciting news on the homefront, possible additions to the live music schedule, and eight more weeks of unadulterated AWESOME!!!

Faith and Sex and God (and Banana Bread)

2008-06-04T15:35:00.006-05:00

That's what we talked about this afternoon. I also baked two loaves of banana bread and the house smells heavenly right now. And the boy is happy to know that they are for US and not for Other People. (Apropos of nothing, the grocery store had lovely purpley pink roses on sale, and they are sitting next to me on the dining room table, also smelling heavenly.)

Adam stayed over last night and he's staying again tonight to save gas and get a bit of studying done before heading back north to hearth and wife. We finished class last night and had a lovely bit of conversation, and this morning, after I took the girl to school, we talked most of the morning on a number of subjects ranging from potty training to labor to the "boxers or briefs" question. I don't think I've had quite as much good conversation in a long time - but Adam is not only intelligent, he is well spoken and as such, knows how to argue constructively.

(He's also an ace houseguest, not only because he pitched in and Swiffered my kitchen floor but also because he bought me lunch at the Chinese buffet while we waited for his car to have four new tires installed.)

One of the things we discussed at length was faith and religion. Adam is a fairly confirmed atheist, whilst I, a fallen Catholic of the highest order, maintain a Christian faith. The thing I loved about our discussion was that it was not passionate - it was quite logical and philosophical, bordering on intellectual. We weren't trying to convince each other of our individual veracity - merely that we had divergent views and that those views could coexist. I told him that I thought he was a better Christian than most Christians I know, due to his sensitivity and caring - he is the sweetest guy on the face of the Earth and I can't imagine a more giving and gracious person.

I told him I thought that faith needed to be coupled with good works and a well-examined life. Living your parents' faith isn't living, unless you've determined that it is your faith as well and you can defend it. And even then, a constant questioning must arise - when you become complacent in your faith is when you have no faith at all.

Our discussion also reminded me of an old song by XTC. Here's a Youtube link, and the lyrics:

Dear God,
I hope you got the letter, and I pray you can make it better down here.
I don't mean a big reduction in the price of beer, but all the people that you made in your image, see them starving on their feet 'cause they don't get enough to eat from God
I can't believe in you

Dear God,
Sorry to disturb you, but I feel that I should be heard loud and clear.
We all need a big reduction in amount of tears and all the people that you made in your image, see them fighting in the street 'cause they can't make opinions meet about God
I can't believe in you

Did you make disease, and the diamond blue? Did you make mankind after we made you? And the devil too!

Dear God,
Don't know if you noticed, but your name is on a lot of quotes in this book, and us crazy humans wrote it, you should take a look, and all the people that you made in your image still believing that junk is true. Well I know it ain't, and so do you, dear God, I can't believe in...

I don't believe in...I won't believe in heaven and hell.
No saints, no sinners, no devil as well.
No pearly gates, no thorny crown.
You're always letting us humans down.
The wars you bring, the babes you drown.
Those lost at sea and never found, and it's the same the whole world 'round.
The hurt I see helps to compound that Father, Son and Holy Ghost is just somebody's unholy hoax, and if you're up there you'd perceive that my heart's here upon my sleeve.

If there's one thing I don't believe in it's you....dear God.

Preschool Graduation

2008-05-30T18:59:00.006-05:00

The Proud Graduate, With Matching Footwear

Look Ma, A Diploma And Everything!

Proud Family

They played Pomp and Circumstance. I had flash-forwards to June 2021, when this scene will repeat itself, only the girl will be slightly taller and have adult teeth. I hope.

Next up in cap and gown for our family? ME!

Pa-Hoe-Nix

2008-05-29T22:43:00.005-05:00

Oh, Summer of Awesome, you have fruitfully blessed me, despite your youth. I shall sing your high praises and write ballads to your awesomeness. I shall remember that you have another 10 weeks of awesomeness to give, and I will not forget the awesomeness you have already given.

You are indeed, an Awesome Summer.

Round about Spring Break, my mother offered me a spot at her timeshare in Phoenix, right after finals. The idea was a girls' weekend, with no agenda. Fun and relaxation. No pressure. After confirming a spot was open for Kate to be included, we booked our plane tickets and reminded ourselves on a near-weekly basis of the impending trip. We also booked ourselves in at an amazingly awesome spa and counted down the days. "We're going to go sleep in the desert for four days!!" "And go to the SPA!!!" "And THAW OUT!!" Color these two Midwestern girls excited - and I doubt we could have done better in our reward for finishing up our first year of law school. The facial ALONE was worth the spa trip.

I will never forget laying under the shade umbrella, lounging next to the pool at the spa, drinking in the desert mountain scenery and feeling the warm, yet perfect weather. I took a lot of mental pictures that day - and the feeling of warmth that imbued my skin and head will be there in my head, bottled up for the winter days ahead. Ahhhhhhh...Phoenix.

The Mom and The Girl

The Kates on Vacation

Sassy Traveler Girl!

Nine Years

2008-05-22T14:42:00.000-05:00

Us, 2008.

I look at the picture over our mantle - black and white, wedding finery, a bouquet of flowers and two very young faces.

Our smiles are still the same, though.

Happy Anniversary, Boy. You always said life with me would be an adventure, and I simply say it's been an adventure I'd never want to share with anyone else.

You could hide beside me maybe for a while
And I won't tell no one your name
I won't tell 'em your name - Name, Goo Goo Dolls

Lift Me Up

2008-05-21T22:08:00.000-05:00

Rain, rain on my face
Hasn't stopped raining for days
My world is a flood
Slowly I become one with the mud

But if I can't swim after forty days
and my mind is crushed by the crashing waves
Lift me up so high that I cannot fall
Lift me up
Lift me up - When I'm falling
Lift me up - I'm weak and I'm dying
Lift me up - I need you to hold me
Lift me up - And keep me from drowning again

Downpour on my soul
Splashing in the ocean, I'm losing control
Dark sky all around
Can't feel my feet touching the ground

Calm the storms that drench my eyes
Dry the streams still flowing
Cast down all the waves of sin
And guilt that overthrow me

But if I can't swim after forty days
and my mind is crushed by the crashing waves
Lift me up so high that I cannot fall
Lift me up
Lift me up - When I'm falling
Lift me up - I'm weak and I'm dying
Lift me up - I need you to hold me
Lift me up - and keep me from drowning again

"Flood" - Jars of Clay

I'm not normally one for Christian music, but this particular song is one of my favorites, not only for the message (which as a Christian, I wholeheartedly believe, and need to hear on occasion), but for the music itself.

Sometimes my life becomes a flood, and I feel like I'm drowning - like there's nothing there to save me and all I have to do is stop fighting and eventually the pain will leave. All I have to do is sink down, watch the bubbles rise and let myself get pulled under by the currents and undertows.

Thing of it is, I know how to swim, and it takes a hell of a lot of effort to fight that particular reflex. In life, as in the water, you have to draw on your reserves, and fall back on your training to enable survival. And when you do survive, and the rain stops, and the skies clear, sometimes nothing is more beautiful than watching the seas calm from the relative safety of the beach.

Is self preservation a method of salvation? If you save yourself, do you save others as well? What do we rely on as humans to make our lives worth living?

Sometimes my life preserver is my family, sometimes it's my faith, sometimes (rarely) it is myself. Many times it's a combination of all of the above. At times, the flood is too much, and at times, it's a matter of remembering your umbrella.

I'm waiting for my spring grades, and the sooner I get them, the better. It kills me to not know.

Since Last We Spoke...

2008-05-16T07:43:00.003-05:00

...I survived my finals. Nowhere near a knock-out-of-the-ballpark, but I feel somewhat better about them than I did last semester. And now begins the waiting game - horrible to feel that uneasy queasiness in your feeling, for a good month.

...I am officially a rising 2L. That feels SO good. There is no station lowlier in life (beyond that of "freshman" in any circumstance) than that of a 1L. We hear all the time how life gets easier second year, and yet, we also hear how we will yearn for the easy days of Contracts and Torts. I don't think I will ever yearn for Contracts - sorry, Professor B.

...I turned 31. I had a fantastic birthday, courtesy of the boy and my law school besties. My SIL got me two tabloids with JM on the cover and a book. Yay for printed reading material!! We celebrated with a bowling party - something I've always wanted to do but never had the opportunity. Jon (and the lovely and talented Julia), Sooz, Kate, Derek, SIL, the boy and the girl all came out and rolled like The Big Lebowski. Good thing it wasn't Shabbos. Derek even ordered a White Russian in honor of the evening's theme.

...I celebrated Mother's Day. The girl was wonderful enough to wish me a very happy one, and the boy was kind enough to wrangle her so I could have a (relatively) peaceful morning before heading off to school for our last study session and final. It was a lovely spring Minnesota morning - just a touch of chill in the early morning air, but the sun was high and warm, and I had a smile on my face. Not much better than that.

After my final, most of the kids went on the party bus that had been rented for our after-1L debauchery. However, Kate and I chose to stay behind and head back to Casa Thompson for some pizza, R&R and Rock Band. It was all good.

...The girl had her preschool spring program. She was the narrator for her class, and she stood, dressed in one of her finest spring frocks, at the lecturn in the church, spoke clearly and slowly into the microphone and read The Very Hungry Caterpillar whilst her classmates acted out the book's actions. It was terribly cute and I was so amazingly proud of her - she's had her daddy's shy streak for ages and this was the first inclination I've had that she's got a touch of the outgoing. She basically memorized the book but she did it without any prompting from her teacher.

...JM got himself a new girlfriend. This one probably has the highest profile of all of them - and this is new territory because he is 9 years younger than she. He's always dated younger women, and by appearances, always seemed to be the more dominant personality in the relationship. Not that the women he's dated are wet noodles by any means - but this one is older, more experienced, and seems to know exactly what she wants. I think this might be what he needs - he's young and coltish, but he's been very public about his desire for a wife and family, and given his background, it's no surprise. I think if he falls hard enough, she might be the one to kick his ass and get him to settle down. I also think that if it's going to happen, it'll happen pretty quickly since she doesn't have kids and when you're 39, I'm told you can feel your ovaries shriveling.

...The Summer of Awesome has officially kicked off. As I write this, I am sitting at my mother's house in the hometown, the girl has had breakfast and I'm headed up to take a shower, and then go shopping. We arrived last night and I got to see Jordana for a bit, and I'm just relaxing. I think I'm going to head down to the lake today for some rejuvenation, and then the girl and I are going to just do some serious goofing off. We'll head home after the weekend - I have a feeling I will miss the boy too much if I stay any longer.

Next up? Phoenix, then Theories of Conflict for four days. In the meantime, spring cleaning the house - I'm going to try and reclaim another couple areas of the house. I'm also going to go through all the girl's clothes and thin the herd. (And trust me, it's a herd worth thinning. The child has more clothes than the law allows, and has since before she was born.)

Cinco de Mayo

2008-05-05T09:47:00.002-05:00

Well, you learn something new every day:

In the United States, Cinco de Mayo has taken on a significance beyond that in Mexico. The date is perhaps best recognized in the United States as a date to celebrate the culture and experiences of Americans of Mexican ancestry, much as St. Patrick's Day, Oktoberfest, and the Chinese New Year are used to celebrate those of Irish, German, and Chinese ancestry, respectively. Similar to those holidays, Cinco de Mayo is observed by many Americans regardless of ethnic origin. Celebrations tend to draw both from traditional Mexican symbols, such as the Vírgen de Guadalupe, and from prominent figures of Mexican descent in the United States, such as César Chávez.

To celebrate, many display Cinco de Mayo banners while school districts hold special events to educate pupils about its historical significance. Special events and celebrations highlight Mexican culture, especially in its music and regional dancing. Examples include ballet folklórico and mariachi demonstrations held annually at the Plaza del Pueblo de Los Angeles, near Olvera Street. Commercial interests in the United States have capitalized on the celebration, advertising Mexican products and services, with an emphasis on beverages, foods, and music.

- Wikipedia

As for me, I'm doing what any self-respecting gringa does on Cinco de Mayo: going to Chipotle for lunch. Normally, I might go to Taco Bell, but this being a holiday and all...

Civ Pro Review Session In The Faculty Study

2008-05-04T23:18:00.002-05:00

a boy
sits on a bench
with a guitar and
plays and strums, his striped sweater
rolled up at the sleeves
a silent melody pantomimed

a girl
sits on a blanket
the grass green but the ground colder than it looks
listening and
reading her paperback novel

the sun
shines bright upon
her words his notes their passing music
sprinkling along the passersby on the path

from a second story window
i watch
the boy the girl
the sun
and i desire spring in minnesota
to warm my heart.

Saturday Randomness

2008-05-03T20:45:00.000-05:00

Contracts final today. We'll see.

Mint julep at Old Chicago with friends afterward. I hope I get to do this again with these wonderful friends.

It's Derby Day. Big Brown won (as predicted). Eight Belles came 2nd...and then broke both her front ankles and had to be put down on the track. Poor little girl. No commentary on the politics of horse racing. It happens. It's sad but it happens.

Song in my head, bringing up things I need to think about after this weekend. I can't wait for the next week to pass so I don't have to put anything off because I'm too busy with law school.

Sullivan Street - Counting Crows

Take the way home that leads back to Sullivan Street
Cross the water and home through the town
Past the shadows that fall down wherever we meet
Pretty soon I won't come around
I'm almost drowning in her sea
She's nearly fallen to her knees
Take the way home that leads back to Sullivan Street
Where all the bodies hang on the air
If she remembers, she hides it whenever we meet
Either way now, I don't really care
I'm almost drowning in her seas
She's nearly crawling on her knees
She's down on her knees
Take the way home that leads back to Sullivan Street
I'm just another rider burned to the ground
I'm almost drowning in her sea
She's nearly crawling on her knees
It's almost everything I need
I'm down on my knees
I'm down on my knees

Friday Five (Stolen From...Somewhere)

2008-05-02T10:51:00.003-05:00

1. Describe where you grew up:
I grew up in the biggest small town in the world, on the western shore of Lake Michigan, north of Chicago.

2. Do you wear any jewelery?
On a regular basis, I wear my wedding ring. Occasionally I will wear the diamond stud earrings my sister bought for me, or my engagement or university rings. Do glasses count as jewelry?

3. What do you have too much of?
Homework. Clothing - definitely. Credit card debt, though that's being worked on, and rather diligently, I might add.

4. Who is a fool?
Hmmm...I can think of a few... Bush, Cheney, Pawlenty, Schwartzenegger, anyone who doesn't believe in choice (it's not going away), freedom to marry (it's going to happen in my lifetime), and equal rights for all under the law.

5. What's your nickname?
Hmmm...haven't had a steady nickname for a long time - people call me by my initials because that's how I generally sign emails (K-S-T). Anyone who knew me before high school might still call me Kati... my online buds usually shorten my preferred moniker to "K8". My sister calls me Katie-bear on occasion, sometimes "big sis" or sometimes we call each other "Sissy." And of course, I am the boy's "Boo" as he is mine. :)

Contracts final in 21 hours. But who's counting?

May Day, Mayday

2008-05-01T15:27:00.000-05:00

I typed in the address of one of my old (failed) blogs - and lo and behold, it's still there! I perused the entries a bit, remembering that it helped the last time I wanted to lose weight. I think I will delete it, but I wanted to preserve a few of the old entries.

It's interesting to see what I thought of myself a few years ago. I remember that girl - the one who was starting a new job and taking a full year to train for her first triathlon. I also weigh 40 pounds more than that girl did when she stopped blogging, and a lot has happened since then. I'd like to remember a lot about who that girl was, and why she looked so great and felt so good about herself.

I am still active and working out, and food is still my drug. I need to get over the stress and anxiety (lo, that I had an attitude like Sooz - girl lets it all roll off her like water off a duck's back.) and get to doing.

Summer of Awesome = Summer of Awesome Me.

From the old blog:

June 7, 2005

Let me say this: I love McDonald's.

Seriously. I have a massive addition to anything with the golden arches on its packaging. I love nothing better for breakfast than a Bacon, Egg and Cheese biscuit sandwich with a lovely golden brown hash brown. The drink can vary- if I'm feeling healthy (or guilty) it is usually a bottle of water or an orange juice. If I don't care, it's a small diet coke.

My standard order otherwise is a 10-piece chicken nugget value meal with a diet coke, and a double cheeseburger with ketchup only.

This is only part of the reason why I now weigh 253 pounds at this point in my life.

Yesterday, I read the "I have made a decision" essay over at Oprah.com, and while I can't say that Oprah's voice came down from the heavens, imbuing my soul with the will to change, all heavenly light beaming down and weight-loss cherubim harmonizing, it did make me think.

I feel like shit.

Previously, I'd lost about 25 pounds- I was about 229 or so and feeling pretty good. Then: new job, new stress, inability to keep working out on my prior schedule, holidays, the ever-present lure of Mickey D's, and a free employee cafeteria at lunch (Lord have mercy...the DESSERTS)...and here I am.

I've never been thin- the closest I can figure I was to a healthy weight was probably when I was working out in college (yes, true) and I lost 15 pounds in a semester that I took a weight-training and aerobics course for credit. I think I was about 195 at that point. Still in all, I was pretty healthy, and I gleaned from that course that I probably could be smaller if I worked at it.

Life got in the way.

Now, I have to get in the way of my life. College is long past and I've got a daughter to think about. My dad was just diagnosed with adult-onset diabetes, and my grandmother has had it for over 25 years. So we have some genetics going on here. I am also having digestive issues, a-plenty... but we won't get into the particulars of my biohazardous waste. Promise.

So...here I am, one of thousands out there with a diet blog. Maybe it will help to write down my thoughts, maybe not. I will probably try to write down what I eat, because in the past, it has helped...I just hate carrying around those little journal thingies they give you at Weight Watchers.

Speaking of the almighty WW: here's my first goal. We have an at-work program at my job. Next session starts June 26. It's 15 weeks long. I have to do the bridesmaid thing at a wedding in October. That's about the same time frame. Mo over at Mopie.com has set a WW goal for herself: 25 pounds in 12 weeks (averaging about a 2 pound loss).

I'm going to do the same: 30 pounds in 15 weeks.

God help me, I'm going to do this, once and for all. French fries be damned.

June 8, 2005

Oreos.

There are Oreos afoot in my office...double stuf Oreos and Golden Oreos and they are in the cube next to me and God help me I've resisited for over 2 hours.... and now it's 11AM and I'm hungry for lunch and I need to eat the chicken breast and not the pepperoni pizza...and I should go walking but I don't want to go and get all schvitzy in the 88 degree heat but I really should...

And it's somebody's birthday here in office land, and he's bringing treats very very soon...and I will resist. I will resist.

I have decided to resist. (Oh, shit. Now it's about Oprah again.)

June 9, 2005

...it's so hard for me to keep control in social situations, but it's a weakness I need to get professional help with. Also: I had Reasoning on my side- I had a beer, I needed food to soak it up, and there were no healthy alternatives. Also? It was 5pm and I was hungry. And it counted as dinner.

July 12, 2005

As of yesterday on the WW scale, I'm now 251.2. That would be 10.6 pounds in 3 1/2 weeks. I've been to the gym no less than 3 times each week (and usually it's 4-5). I've discovered the absolute serenity and joy of a morning workout (joy in a 5am wakeup call? Who knew??)

The fitness center also overlooks a very benign piece of land- it's probably 40 x 50 of lawn surface that borders the building on one side, and the path around the lake on the other. Boring, right? Not if you see what I see.

I see the finish line for the Danskin Women's Triathlon 2006. I see cheering family members, a big sign that says "RUN FINISH", volunteers wearing red t-shirts, and a swarm of women competitors running in to the sound of victory. It is the actual finish area for the Danskin- not just a visualization.

When something chocolate screams my name, I say "triathlon" to myself. Turn. Walk away. Will I celebrate when an occasion presents itself? Of course. Just not to excess.

And I will compete in, and finish, the 2006 Chicagoland Danskin Women's Triathlon.

More old entries later - I'm having a good time rereading them. And thinking a lot about how I can recapture some of that momentum.

Silent All These Years

2008-04-28T23:39:00.002-05:00

Years go by, will I still be waiting for somebody else to understand?
Years go by, if I'm stripped of my beauty, and the orange clouds raining in my head?
Years go by, will I choke on my tears 'til finally there is nothing left?
One more casualty, you know we're too easy easy easy...

Well I love the way we communicate, your eyes focus on my funny little shape
Let's hear what you think of me now, but baby don't look up - the sky is falling.
Your mother shows up in a nasty dress it's your turn now to stand where I stand
Everybody lookin' at you here take hold of my hand - yeah I can hear them.

But what if I'm a mermaid in these jeans of yours with her name still on it?
Hey but I don't care, 'cause sometimes, I said sometimes
I hear my voice, I hear my voice, I hear my voice

And it's been here, silent all these years
I've been here, silent all these years

This is one of the most hauntingly beautiful, tragic, profound songs I've ever heard. I suppose it's rather cliche to wax poetic about Tori Amos - she is a doyenne of the deep philosophical thoughts of most college coeds (usually those of us who were labeled as such from about 1992-1999 or so).

She wrote this song about remaining silent after her rape.

It hit me tonight that my mother's voice, in deference to my father's selfishness and personal desires, was silent for many years. She never seemed to stand up for what she wanted - she always seemed to mold her life around his desires, and around what she felt was best for my sister and I.

Now, with the divorce final, she doesn't have to be silent anymore. I hope she hears her voice anew, and for once, makes herself happy. I would love nothing more than to see her sever all ties, get rid of all of her baggage (literal and emotional), pack her little Westie into her car and drive to wherever her heart takes her.

I hope she hears her voice, though it has been silent for far too long.

Breaking Radio Silence

2008-04-24T12:26:00.002-05:00

Wow, have I ever gone over a week without writing since I started this thing? Yikes. Busy week, apparently.

Since we last left our heroine, she has been busily accomplishing the following tasks:

Finishing her trial level memo, which involved Herculean efforts and many late nights, culminating with a Saturday night all-nighter, which turned into a Sunday morning bedtime of 5:45am and a grand total of 90 minutes of sleep.

Baking three kinds of quiche for her classmates for the trial memo breakfast buffet in order to stay awake (can't go to sleep if something's in the oven...)

Running out of eggs with which to make a banana bread; using the last frozen zucchini bread in its place (which defrosted and served beautifully after residing in the freezer since August).

Proceeding to thank heaven, stars, and Professor B for cutting Contracts class short in order to go home, nap for 2.5 hours, get up, and go with Ric to the Santana/Derek Trucks show.

Rocking out in the 12th row for said show, throughly enjoying both performers and falling in love with even MORE awesome music (as if that's possible). Two amazing guitar players (one new, one living legend) in one night. Smokin' hot blues/slide on one side, Latin fusion on the other. Just can't help but smile when the timbales and congas come out.

Making Ric buy girly beer.

Working like mad on memos for the last week.

Talking with Mom for a few hours and processing the fact that, yes, my parents are now officially divorced, and while better about it, it's not over for me. Knowing she's in a good place about it helps.

Gaining clarity and perspective on a lot of things, which I had hoped to do a long, long time ago. Understanding that it couldn't have come any sooner, and hoping that I've done what it takes to come out of this particular trial with a sense of maturity and a renewed purpose.

Re-ramping up my training, getting back in the pool and on the run...waiting for a good few days to get on the bike and enjoy some of the Minnesota hills we have 'round these parts. Timed a race pace 800 on Tuesday at 18:44 (2:20/100 pace. Not bad! Definitely getting better. Will continue to improve on that - would like to get down to a 2:00/100 pace for a 16 minute swim in the pool - hopefully that translates into an open water swim of about the same amount. Factors: no stop/turnaround every 25, no lane lines and more people/veering, not an exact distance, plus in/out time.)

Dealing with a reeeeeeeeeeally sore lower back, hoping it is from too much butt-in-seat studying and training, and not an injury.

Cooking dinner for my SIL and D., the classmate I set her up with a couple weeks ago. They claimed to have had a bad first date, which I found out last night was a double-sided PUNK on both their parts. And I was the victim. Apparently, they hit it off really well, had a great time, and are very happy to be seeing each other. Ungrateful little you-know-whats had the gall to come to my house and eat my food, and punk me.

At least D. fits in with Clan Thompson in that respect: we have a tendency to punk, practical joke, and surprise each other with regularity. Not only that, we're good at it.

I am happy they are hitting it off - she's a great girl, he's a really nice guy, and they both deserve some good times.

Song in my head: Africa Bamba, Santana

I heard this song for the first time at the Santana concert Sunday night, and remembered it because of the refrain "Ella, baila la portuguesa." My sis was a Brazilian exchange student and by proxy, I am sensitive to anything that says or purports to relate to Brazil or Portuguese. The song itself is so pretty and danceable - I looked up the lyrics, and was surprised to discover that my Spanish isn't so rusty that I couldn't translate them - and more importantly, translate the idioms (dar la luz literally means "to give light", but used in context means "childbirth.") Senoras C. y P. y Profesora R., gracias...something in my seven years of studying Spanish must have stuck.

The song just has a lovely meaning to it - I think I have found the first song on the Summer of Awesome soundtrack. Take a look (translation provided below):

Estoy llamando a todas las morenas
Y las llamada la viene da la luz
Con calma se baila esta danza
Y con amor canto yo esta cancion
Africa bamba ase a un lado a la tristeza
Y otra mas dulce no la podras encontrar
Oye eso te va sentir feliz

Ella baila la portugueza

Translation:

I am talking to/calling on all the beautiful brunette ladies
And also those women/mothers who give birth
With calm confidence, you should dance this dance.
And with love, I sing this song.
Africa bamba - cast aside your sadness
And you will not find a sweeter one (song/dance)
Listen to it, and you will feel happy.

Girl, dance the Portuguese dance...

Summer of Awesome

2008-04-16T22:17:00.000-05:00

I hereby declare the upcoming season, colloquially known as summer, lasting generally from Memorial Day Weekend (commencing on or about May 24, 2008) through Labor Day Weekend (ending on or about September 1, 2008) to be the Summer of Awesome.

The Summer of Awesome shall involve the following events:

1. A visit from Jordana and Todd

2. A trip to Phoenix with Kate, the girl, the mom and the sister for four days' respite, sleep, pool lounging, spa pampering, shopping and general laziness in order to shake off the rigors of a year of law school and the Most Stupidest Winter Ever.

3. A quick bout of summer school, ending on or about June 5.

4. A visit to Tennessee to see the in-laws.

5. A roadtrip to Summerfest with the sister in law to see AKeys on 7/1 and JM 7/2.

6. Continuation of said roadtrip to the S-T-L to party with the sister, see JM 7/3, and watch the fireworks over the Mighty Mississippi from Gateway Park.

7. A quick return home, then a roadtrip to Danskin Chicagoland with Sooz 7/12-7/13.

8. A quick return home, then yet another roadtrip to Chicago to meet up with girls from all over the nation, flying in to meet up in the Windy City for JM 7/18, and a girls' weekend downtown to follow.

9. My first Olympic tri on 8/2 - 8/3 in Duluth.

10. My 2L year starting on 8/9.

11. Y camp for the girl at a drastically reduced rate (and only when we need it!) approximately three days a week, and getting to keep her at home with me twice a week to do fun mom/daughter stuff.

12. Campaigning for Franken, hopefully for a bit of law school credit.

13. Minnesota State Fair the last weekend of August, winding up on Labor Day.

The official end of the Summer of Awesome shall occur on or about September 2, 2008, when I send the girl off for her first day of kindergarten. I'm not sure how I feel about that. I do know that she will know how to write her name, will likely wear a dress, she will be carrying a pink Hello Kitty backpack, will hopefully have her hair arranged in some semblance of order, and will pose for a picture outside our house.

Three weeks til finals can't pass soon enough. I'm ready to be done with being a 1L.

(And yes, you did count that correctly: I am going to three JM shows this summer.)

Smatterings

2008-04-15T12:33:00.002-05:00

It's Memo Week, which explains my notable absence here. Law school is kicking my arse but good, and I can't help but feel overwhelmed that my first year has ended so quickly. Seems scary.

My parents' final divorce hearing is on Friday. I hope they are happier without each other than they were with. I hope Dad feels like he can move on. I hope Mom doesn't feel guilty or like a failure.

Mostly I hope they have the fortitude to shake hands, say goodbye, and let each other go. Not an easy thing to do after 33 years, one week and six days. But who's counting?

The girl is in the wait pool for Expensive Private School - we had an interview last month and unfortunately she did not get offered outright admission. As a veteran of the waitlist, I understand completely. The boy was devastated - I was less so. Mostly because the worry of the tuition price tag was just lifted. There's still a chance she could get in, and I certainly hope she does because no matter the struggle to pay the bill, it's a fantastic fit for her. "We believe Girl would thrive at EPS" said the quasi-rejection letter. I couldn't agree more.

We're now on the hunt for another school for her. School choice is such a double edged sword.

Off to outline and memo.

Yesterday's Training
Walked 3.2 miles with my sister in law outdoors. I desperately needed the sunshine and though the lake was still covered in thin ice, it was a glorious day.

Shampoo, Rinse, Repeat

2008-04-11T16:13:00.003-05:00

My hair is long.

Really long.

Not quite Crystal Gale-long, but long. Past my bra strap long. I love it.

It is a weird brownish reddish blondish color that usually settles on normal brown after a few days without a wash. It's very very thick, coarsely textured, and in certain spots, has enough natural curl to border on kinky. It gets pretty wild at times but I have neither the skill nor the fortitude to wrestle my mane through a flat iron every damn day. I usually go for a trim and blow out every six weeks.

I plan to keep it long until such time as professionalism dictates that I cut it. I hope that whatever job I have as an attorney is one where they don't care how long my hair is.

I only wash it about once a week, despite my level of activity, mostly because I find if I rinse out the chlorine, and brush through it a couple times a day, it stays in good shape. I can ponytail it, braid it, or leave it loose. If I let it air dry in braids, the natural curl stays pretty well. It also gets really thick and voluminous. I'll be honest; I don't like my hair the day I wash it. Too flyaway for my tastes. My "best" hair is usually a day or two after I wash it- it's got enough oil worked through it to stand up to whatever I want to do to it; it's got body and shine, and it feels good - not heavy, not super light.

Fridays are a good day to wash my hair - and trust me, when you have hair as long as mine, it's a process. Here's how I do it:

Brush hair, remove all excess loose hair.
Comb with wide tooth comb, remove knots
Step into shower, wet hair, squeeze excess.
Wash with "defunktify" shampoo to remove excess oil, buildup and chlorine.
Rinse.
Wash with "Straighten Up" shampoo to add shine and a bit of weight; hopefully control a bit of kink and frizz.
Rinse.
Comb with wide tooth comb, remove knots and loose hair.
Squeeze excess water.
Condition with "Straighten Up" conditioner. Apply in sections. Leave in for 2-4 minutes whilst washing up the rest of me.
Rinse me.
Rinse hair until hands run through without catching on knots, continue to rinse until hair feels evenly conditioned.
Squeeze excess water.
Comb once again.
Bend over, apply towel to hair in "babushka" fashion, dry rest of me.
Leave towel on hair while finishing personal grooming and dressing. (At least 10 minutes)
Bend over, remove towel and rub hair a bit more.
Comb once again.
Apply leave-in conditioning lotion and comb yet again.
Braid or leave loose to air dry.
Comb yet again, brush once completely dry.

Repeat next Friday.

Training Log: 4/10/08

2008-04-10T17:02:00.000-05:00

Swimming
Warmup: 100 Pull, 50 Kick
Main Set: 3x400 (45 RI)
Cooldown: 50 Breast

Total Yards:1400

Running
10 mins walking
Intervals - 5:2 x 2 (fast mile) 12:05
Total Distance: 2.5 miles

I went to the gym on Wednesday with my sister in law and did a fairly intense 30 minutes on the elliptical machine - then tried to up my intervals today. Bad news.

Oh right! We've been training for almost 4 solid weeks! Time to level off a bit and toss in a recovery week!

When I was running my "fast mile" yesterday, I could actually feel my upper body's weight. It's odd- I havent' felt the sensation of a really heavy front load since I was pregnant with the girl, but there it was yesterday on the treadmill. I think I really need to get my eating in shape - I've always had a really rough time losing weight, but I don't like the way my body felt yesterday.

In fact, I actually had the sensation of where I wanted my body to be (lithe, flatter, more toned) and it felt like I was wearing one of those expectant father's sympathy bellies or something. I could feel where I wanted my body to end.

I sometimes wonder whether I'm beating my head against a wall with all the training and working out, or if eventually, one of these days, something will change and I will maybe, just maybe, lose a little weight. I love the shape my legs have taken since I got back into the gym- I can feel the tone there and I know I'm stronger. Likewise, my arms are still chicken-wingy but I feel stronger, and the ache I feel after 1200 well-paced yards in the pool is a satisfying one.

I eat pretty well, most of the time. I don't play games with the number on the scale - I can tell myself everything I want about the number not mattering, and about muscles being denser than fat, and all the other things you tell yourself. Point is, if I want to be a better athlete I have to continue to train, and I'll get more out of my training if I fuel the machine properly.

Farmer's market opens in two weeks and I.CAN.NOT.WAIT.

Girly Talk

2008-04-09T09:19:00.002-05:00

This morning at the breakfast table, after a round of Idontwannagodaschooool (Mom 3, Girl 0):

Girl: Darn it!

Me: Girl, we don't say that. It's a grown up word. How about...pickles!

Girl: Darn it!

Me: Tartar sauce!

Girl: Darn it!

Me: Barnacles?

Girl: Mom, it's my new word and I want to use it! Darn it!

********

New words in her vocabulary: organizing, bloom, and ridiculous. "Ridiculous" has actually been with us for quite some time - since about age 2 1/2 - 3 or so. However, she now pronounces it correctly - it used to be "a-dick-a-yus." She still has a few baby steps to go with her speech - mostly mixing up m's and n's (nusic is a prime example) and she will substitute a "th" for an "f" at the end of a word ("stuth" instead of "stuff"). She also adds an "n" onto the front of "used to" (so it comes out noosed to).

Her mind is so alive. Light bulbs go on for her every day as she continues to explore the world. I see the evolution of her person, her sociological self - it happens month by month, sometimes week by week. She gets frustrated when we jump to conclusions and isn't afraid of letting us know when we simplyaren't listening. She is by and large a mindful child - at every center and school we've ever used, she's gotten exemplary praise from her teachers as to her ability to follow directions and mind the teacher. I think she'd go stir crazy if she didn't let out her disobedient side at home - nobody's perfect and we try not to pressure her in that way.

I once read that the parents' job is to give their child space to grow and become their own person. I couldn't agree more with that statement - too many times parents choose to live vicariously through their children, impressing their own lost dreams and desires upon them without regard for the child's feelings. Would I love the girl to be a world class pianist? Absolutely - she's got the fingers for it, no doubt. Would I love for her to take dance class and gymnastics? You bet - I wanted to be Mary Lou Retton, and I never bothered to ask my parents for dance class because I was convinced they would say no.

When she comes to me and asks if we can do something, or if she can take lessons on something - I think it will be my job to give her a hug, check the bank account, and say, "Yes. You can do that." And then help her see it through.

My thoughts are all over the place this morning - but it all comes down to wanting the best for my girl, and learning her inside as well as I know her outside.

Training Log: 4/8/08

2008-04-08T16:39:00.002-05:00

Today's Training
Swimming

100 free warmup

25 minutes continuous swim (10 sec or less RI, minimal use)
(1000 yards/25:00 = 2:30/100 pace)

50 breast cooldown

Total Yardage:1150

Today I wanted to test my endurance - so far I feel like I've been doing better at the drills, and my 400's are coming easier to me. I decided to just swim continuously for 25 minutes, at a decent pace, and see how far I could go. This is a good way to gauge your training - I will do this again in about six weeks I think, and hopefully my yardage goes up in the same amount of time. Either that or I will extend the time and just decide to swim X yards no matter how long it takes.

My training plan says a 25 minute swim should be around 900-1200 yards, and I fell right into that with 1000. I will have to start increasing my distance soon - I will start throwing 800s pretty regularly now - and I'll work up to a second 800 so I do 2x800 with probably a 2 min RI...then start putting it all together. Once I've got that going, I can work into a "fast" 800 if that's all I'm doing, so I can pump my speed up for the tri.

By the math, I was averaging about 38 seconds per length (25 yards). Last week when I did my descending 100's, my first length was 34 - and I thought I was swimming slow. I definitely slowed down toward the end of the 1000 - my arms were tired and I was losing form. I will definitely need to do some recovery/drill work next week so I can up my yardage without killing my form, arms, or time. Endurance first, then speed.

Bike weather is coming up...I haven't NOT been on my bike in April since before I started triathon. In other words, NEVER. I need to get some cold weather rides in before too long - the spring winds and hills make for great force and endurance workouts. Will also make the transition to outdoor runs soon. That's tougher for me - running is easily my hardest challenge.

Sakura

2008-04-07T19:26:00.004-05:00

As you can see up yonder, I have placed a picture of a sakura tree in full bloom at the top of my blog. I have been constantly thinking about its symbolism and message since I read JM's blog and referenced it about a week ago.

Life is so temporal...ups and downs, hurt and healing, reflection and renewal. Karen's anniversary was this past Wednesday, and I believe this picture sums up her spirit and tenacity - things which I admire and desire:

Karen broke out her wedding dress and ran around a park with a bunch of friends taking pictures. This one is my favorite.

I referenced the sakura tree before, but I don't think I fully fleshed out my thought.

In Japan the cherry blossoms are believed to exemplify the transient nature of life, because of their short blooming times. Cherry blossoms also symbolize clouds due to their nature of blooming en masse, besides being an enduring metaphor for the ephemeral nature of life, an aspect of Japanese cultural tradition that is often associated with Buddhistic influence, and which is embodied in the concept of mono no aware, or "a sensitivity to things." The association of the sakura with mono no aware dates back to 18th-century scholar Motoori Norinaga. The transience of the blossoms, the extreme beauty and quick death, has often been associated with mortality; for this reason, sakura are richly symbolic, and have been utilized often in Japanese art, manga, anime, and film, as well as at musical performances for ambient effect. -Wikipedia

I took a class in Japanese Culture and Politics in undergrad, and I remember my impression of Japanese culture as being drastically different, and yet, simple and completely alien and beautiful. The logic of following the symbol of renewal in native botany in order to renew one's spirit and begin a new business year seems perfectly reasonable to me...rather than stating "on the second Tuesday in October," the timing is just "when the sakura bloom." Talk about sensitivity and harmony with nature.

I found quite a few color pictures of the sakura in full bloom, and I was stuck at how amazingly colorful they are. The trees are tall and often cover a sidewalk; in broad daylight they appear to turn the sky pink. I can only imagine what it must look like in person; one of these days I will have to go to Japan and experience it for myself. Perhaps I'll have my own little hanami under a tree in Shibuya, and I'll look up to a floral pink sky, reflect upon my life, and hopefully have no regrets.